My friend couldn't afford to pay his water bill.
So I sent him a “get well soon” card.
Why did the Vikings not have high doorknobs?
Because of Loki.
You make me hap-pea, we're like two peas in a pod.
What fish perform at the circus?
Clown fish!
What’s the difference between a dog and a gator?
A dog’s bark is worse than its bite.
What did the astronaut’s fiancé say when he proposed to her in open outer space? She said, “I can’t breathe!”
How does the Pope dry his hands?
He uses a Papal towel.
What do gnomes use to guard their mazes?
Minitaurs.
Why did Paco's girlfriend not want to kiss him?
She was afraid of the a-Paco-lips.
What was the puppy's costume for Halloween?
The Big Bad Woof.
What do you call a periodic table when the gold is missing? Au revoir.
What do you get when you sit under a cow?
A pat on the head.
How do you make a tissue paper dance?
You put a little boogie in it!
What was Muhammad Ali’s favorite breed of dog?
A boxer.
What did the grandfather ghoul say to his grandson?
You gruesome!
Why did the chicken cross the river?
To get to the otter side
The Earth without 'art'...
....is 'EH'
What should you do if you find a dinosaur in your bed ? Find somewhere else to sleep!
"Hey, dad, there's a leak in the sink. Should I call the plumber?"
"No silly, just put it in the fridge!"
A man has found water while digging in his backyard. For many years, he used the water at home saving tons of money until one day, the water stopped flowing. So he dug a little bit further and found water again and used it for years until it also dried up. This time, he went further, brought a digging machine, and dug a deeper hole until he found water.
Neighbors, annoyed by the noise, called the local sheriff who arrives to check what was happening in the backyard. The sheriff discovering the scene in the backyard says:
"Well, well, well ... What have we got here?"
The 70s/80s aesthetic has recently become pretty popular in France.
They say it has a certain Gen X sais quoi.
All my neighbours bought the same set of stereos...
When will they stop stereotyping?
Wife is about to give birth.
Nurse: "I'm gonna deliver the Baby."
Dad: " Actually, we'd like him to keep his Liver"
My Ph.D thesis was on cattle raised in the Roman city of Pompeii. To understand it all I had to visit the ancient mooins.
What do you call a bear with no arms and no legs?
An ambulance. This is no time for jokes.
Nine nice night nurses nursing nicely.
What do you call a hippie's wife?
A Mississippi.
What do you call a chair in a suit?
A tuxSEATo
What do you call a royal giraffe?
Your highness.
Where do penguins go swimming?
At the South Pool!
Eggs - the original boneless chicken.
A fruit was madly in love, it was peachy–keen.
What does the youngest flower child say?
Last bud not least!
What's a woman and a tea bag got in common?
You don't know strong they are till you put them in hot water.
Did you hear about the flower who never bloomed?
It was a bud omen.
What happens when a closet goes into fighting?
It turns into a wardrobe.
Hundreds of chickpeas were found dead the other day. The police say it's a hummuside.
You will never see a vampire betting on the horses. They can't handle the stakes.
Get in the swim this summer.
When Mr. Mushroom saw Miss Mushroom, he didn’t hesitate to ask her out on a date because he had she was such a fungi-rl.
What do frogs do with paper?
Rip-it.
So what did the Mother bee say to her misbehaving bee son.
Beehive!
Did you hear about the Elf booted from the chorus?
He couldn't Fa-la-la-la-long.
I read Reims of info before I got here, but nothing can prepare you for how beautiful this place is.
Saw a sign for bath plugs. I didn’t know that was electric!
My last chess game went a bit medieval.
We both went for the castle.
Where did the ghost go on holiday? The Boohamas.
What did Dracula say when the witch and the warlock started kissing?" "Get a broom!
My wife challenged me to a game of strip poker, but it turned out she just wanted to do laundry.
So I folded.
What is the most desirable kitchen appliance?
A hot plate.