Where's the safest place to be in the zombie apocalypse?
The living room.
A scarecrow's favorite fruit to eat is straw-berry.
What’s a whale’s favorite James Bond movie?
A License To Krill.
What do you call a punctual citrus fruit?
A Clockwork Orange.
I keep thinking I'll make breakfast pancakes, but I end up waffling.
What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse's mouth?
A mechanic.
Q: Why did the cherry stop in the middle of the road?
A: It ran out of juice.
Q: Why do the tiger not attack the farm?
A: He was a little bit sheepish.
What’s worse than a giraffe with a sore throat?
A centipede with athlete’s foot.
If your imagination hits peak high and you combine a toadstool and a suitcase, you won’t have mushroom for your vacation clothes.
What's the difference between a Roman and an Irish Catholic?
The strength of the communion wine.
What's the difference between a Yankee Stadium hot dog and a Fenway Park hot dog? You can buy a Yankee Stadium hot dog in October.
How do you make a dinosaur float? Put a scoop of ice cream in a glass of root beer, and add one dinosaur.
My son painted six Easter eggs the colors of the infinity gems.
I told him he made an Egg-finity omelette.
How old was the cave man on his birthday?
Stone Age.
What kind of degree can you get at a urinal?
A Pee h.D.
We get fed up of long car journeys...
...meanwhile, truck drivers get fed ex.
Mommy, Mommy, what’s a werewolf?
Don’t worry about that honey and comb your face!
Do librarians like white wine?
No, they like theirs well red!
What kind of hotdogs do ghouls like best?
Halloweiners!
Who is the superhero who loves to have soup all the time? Souper-man.
Why did the deer go for a run?
To doe off some steam.
What's a nervous person's favorite drink?
Insecuri tea!
Are people jealous of the Irish?
Yeah, they’re green with envy.
Why did Eve want to leave the garden of Eden and move to New York ? She fell for the Big Apple !
I miss you! I’ll see you tater!
What did the pumpkin say to the jar? Soon I will be ajar too.
Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing!
What do you get if you cross a chicken with an alarm?
An alarm cluck.
How are a car and a bicycle similar?
“You can’t make watermelon juice out of either of them.”
What's the difference between chemistry and cooking
In chemistry you should never lick the spoon.
What is a pink bird's favorite dance? Flamin-tango.
Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject.
Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock? Because it was marble cake!
I saw this new movie about a mummy's new bandages. It was called The Emperor's New Cloths.
What do vampire bats call their friends?
Blood brothers.
What did the seal say to the walrus after dating him for three months?
I think we should sea otter people.
What’s a penguin’s favorite salad?
Iceberg lettuce!
What symbolizes a goat’s family tree?
A goat of arms.
Soviet goaltenders got their hair cut at Vladislav's Tress-shack.
Q. Which book makes virgin gorillas blush?
A. The Naked Ape.
Why did the man bring a gun to the clock factory?
To kill some time.
What do you call for injured ants?
The ant-bulance.
"You crack me up."
In Spain, you should not develop a program beyond 2.0.
Because that would be over dos.
Be careful, too many birthdays can kill you!
Why shouldn’t you shoot an alligator?
He’ll just bite the bullet and make the best of it.
Which famous Roman suffered from hayfever?
Julius Sneezer.
What will you do if you come across a green alien? I’ll simply wait until it’s ripe.
What is the preferred shampoo brand of truck drivers?
Lorry-el