What sea creature never tells the truth
A lion fish.
Where are koalas taken when they die? To an ancient bearial site.
What did the introverted pig say when asked why they don’t like socializing? “I’m not a people porcine.”
I recently quit my job as a butler at a stately home.
I refuse to be ordered around in that manor.
If a police officer pulls a U-Haul truck over...
did he just bust a move?
What martial art does Earth know?
Geo-Jitsu.
I love my furniture... Me and my recliner go way back.
Why are fish so smart?
They are always in schools!
I've been thinking of U periodically.
What do skiers order at fast food restaurants?
Icebergers with Chilly Sauce, on the slide.
What job did Dracula’s son have on his little league team?
Bat boy!
I knew a mathematician who couldn’t afford lunch.
He could binomial.
Have you heard about the new band located in the north east of england?
They're called Durham Durham.
What do you call a pig that does a lot of charity work?
Philanthropig
When an unripe strawberry saw the ripe strawberry, it went green with envy.
Why does Bigfoot only leave footprints behind?
Sasquatch doesn't litter in the great outdoors.
How do bats spend their time?
Flying and hanging out.
My mother likes to tell people when I was little that I told her I loved her alphabet soup.
I didn’t, she just likes putting words in my mouth.
My dad was fixing the basin in the bathroom and accidentally broke some tiles.
My mother said, "I told you that method would be fewtile".
Why did the witch go to the doctor?
She had a dizzy spell.
How do monkeys get down the stairs? They slide down the banana-ster!
How do you find a missing train? Follow the tracks
How do you catch a unique tiger?
Unique up on it.
How do you catch a tame tiger?
Tame way.
What’s a werewolf’s favorite nighttime story?
A hairy tail!
I really like the Lion King
and every day the urge to sing one of the songs is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away.
What do you call the leader of a biology gang?
The Nucleboss.
I broke my spine in an accident last year. Had a life saving operation to fix my neck which permanently locked my head in place.
Since then I've never looked back.
Lost my bread knife the other day..
I'm absolutely gutted...we've been through thick and thin
Why don’t bears eat fast food?
Because it’s hard for them to catch.
I'm considering becoming a cinematografur.
More places are charging fees to iron my clothes after they launder them...
I guess the free press is under siege!
What is the funniest fish in the sea?
A clownfish.
How did the horse get up the stairs?
He mounted them.
My friend thought ketchup didn’t exist
So I told him to check his sauces.
What kind of motorbike do elves ride to work?
A Holly Davidson!
Don’t be a wet noodle – join us!
There was a group of ants that always went on parties together, but one smelled way worse than the others.
He was de odor ant.
My milk found all these jokes to be pretty fun. He said they were a-moo-sing!
Why did the realtor open a bakery shop?
Because he was dealing in dough!
"Have an eggs-tra special Easter day."
When you meet someone, you don't want to get off to a bad art!
What stat do the Miami Dolphins lead every single year?
All Porpoise Yardage!
What does Santa often say to Mrs Claus? Come and look at the rain-dear.
What do you call an Eskimo cow?
An Eskimoo!
What do you get when a duck bends over?
It’s Buttquack
Why did the freezer run away on its marriage?
It got cold feet
What made the truck driver finally stop farting?
He ran out of gas.
Why will the fruits beat the vegetables?
They have a better punch!
What did the duck eat for lunch? Soup and Quackers.
I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.