Justice is a dish best served cold
Because otherwise it would be justwater.
A woman gets into an accident while driving. She tries to explain to the officer that it wasn’t her fault. She says the other guy was drinking and on his phone! The officer looks at the lady and says, "Mam, he could do that in his own backyard.”
The perfect description of a bowling game is one where there is plenty of room at the top, but no room to lie down.
What do you call an old snowman? A creek.
What do you call a frog with no back legs?
Unhoppy.
Q. Where did the gorilla like to go sailing?
A. The Chimpan-Sea
Why do sharks only swim in salt water?
Because pepper always makes them sneeze.
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I'd like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
What's worse than a dragon speaking to you?
The money that you have to pay for therapy.
I made a bridge out of Kleenex.
I have truss tissues.
What do elves learn when they go to school?
The elf-abet.
Ravens fans are so tough....they hang out in crowbars.
If snowmen can’t ride bicycles, tricycles, or unicycles, what can they ride?
Icicles!
I googled 'lost medieval servant boy'
The result was 'This page cannot be found.'
What do oranges like to listen to?
Musical com-peel-ations.
Shell yeah.
Oxygen went on a date with potassium last night.
It went OK.
Thieves broke into my house and stole everything but my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant...
Dirty Bastards.
No one laughed at my milk jokes. They said they were too cheesy.
What's green and purple and goes up and down? Barney in an elevator.
What did the flower write in his mother’s day card?
I’m proud to be orchid.
My wireless keyboard isn't working
I guess I need to re-pair it.
What are pig criminals known for? Pigpockets.
What is the Easter Bunny's favorite drinking game?
Hop Scotch.
"That was a howling adventure!" said the werewolf to the zombie.
Why didn’t the lobster and crab share their lunch with an octopus?
Because they are too shellfish.
What’s the number one complaint pig spouses have about one another? Too stub-boar-n.
Will you, William? Will you, William? Will you, William?
Can't you, don't you, won't you, William?
Who is a snake’s favorite actor?
Humphrey Boa-gart.
When can your cup of coffee tell the weather?
When it's muggy.
Did you know that a Squid’s esophagus goes through its brain?
Food for thought, isn’t it?
"Hi, I'm Buzz Aldrin. Second person to step on the moon.
Neil before me."
Where do sharks go on vacation?
Fin-land.
When a man went to the doctor to get rid of the strawberry that was growing out of his head, the doctor told him, "Don't worry. I'll give you some cream for that".
A giant fly has attacked the local police...
Police have called SWAT team.
Gave my pet leopard a bath every day. Now he’s spotless.
Why do neurons like e-mail?
The love messages.
What do you call a hamster in between two slices of bread?
A ham sandwich.
Hey summer, long time no sea!
How did the electrician pay for his new phone?
He charged it.
Why are alligators long and green?
Because if they were small and red, they would be tomatoes.
Did you hear the one about the pecan, the walnut, and the cashew?
It was nut funny.
My landlord asked me out on a date.
He said I should be out of the house by the 17th.
What do frogs do with paper?
Rip-it.
What cheese surrounds a medieval castle? Moatzeralla
I don't mind leg day at the gym.
It's just the two days after that I can't stand.
Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes?
To make them light and fluffy.
A great knight became all discombobulated and lost his weapons...
He was all out of swords.
Doctor, Doctor! I'm terrified of words that are also letters!
Oh you are? I see. Why?
You know what really makes my blood boil?
The vacuum of space.