Did Dick Pickens prick his pinkie pickling cheap cling peaches in an inch of Pinch or framing his famed French finch photos?
What do you call a bad cheese grater?
A cheese lesser.
Why did the sapling go to the doctor’s office? He was feeling a little green.
What is a good pick-up line an axon terminal can use on a dendrite?
"Let's connect."
What do you do when you're in a knife fight with a group of clowns?
Go for the juggler.
Passenger: One ticket to New York, please.
Bus Driver: By way of Buffalo?
Passenger: No, by bus!
Something in a thirty-acre thermal thicket of thorns and thistles thumped and thundered threatening the three-D thoughts of Matthew the thug – although, theatrically, it was only the thirteen-thousand thistles and thorns through the underneath of his thigh that the thirty-year-old thug thought of that morning.
The forecast said that we’re in for a hot summer; better make sure I watermelon everyday or else the yard will dry up.
Flamingos do annoy each other sometimes. Apparently this is because they enjoy ruffling feathers.
During the battle between the two onion kings, one of them was on the back foot as it was leek-ing blood.
How do flowers kiss?
With their tulips
That cola syrup is made by squeezing a kola nut.
That was soda pressing.
You can't blame anyone if you fall in your driveway due to snowy weather...
Because that's your own asphalt.
This Halloween I was planning to go as a band aid, but decided against it.
It’s really hard to pull off.
What was the Vikings favorite song while invading England ?
Heathen flow by Pearl Jam
I recently met a musical group of pirates.
They called themselves A-Band-On-Ship.
What do you call the Earth when it is quaking?
Shakesphere.
My doctor told me to cut down on red meat.
So, could you brown it up a bit?
Sadly, hydrogen and helium broke things off. But they still think of each other... periodically.
What do you get when you cross a bat with the internet?
Blood-thirsty hacker.
My partner has been having nightmares that he’s a truck. He always wakes up tyred and exhaust-ed.
We just got a new chicken-proof lawn, it's impekkable.
Every single person on my flight was reading at the same time.
The plane was fully booked.
Why are Christmas trees so clean? They know how to spruce things up.
Why did the parmesan swipe left on the cheddar?
His pick-up line was too cheesey.
Which violation do ghosts get called for the most in basketball?
Ghoul tending.
When I was in grade school, one of my best friends spoke Mandarin. One day, he introduced me to his parents and I told them I don’t speak orange.
I tried to change my email password to “beef stew” the other day. It was refused because it was not stroganoff.
Why don’t Penguins like rock music?
They only like sole.
I used to think that all radios had antennae, then I realized it was a stereo type.
What's the motto of vegetables? Don't worry, pea happy.
What type of music is scary for birthday balloons? Pop music!
What do you call an alert ant?
Vigil-ant.
Dad Ordered Taco Bell
Asked how many Dillas come in their Ques 'a Dillas
Why don’t readers have extra time? They’re booked.
Digital burgers are nothing but processed meat.
What did the Australian cowboy charge for kangaroo rides?
A Buckaroo
What did the grape say when the elephant stood on it?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
During World War 2, sending food to the troops was a challenge. Researchers had to concentrate to figure out how to send orange juice.
What’s the hardest part about working as a bus driver? Everyone’s talking behind your back.
What happened when the cargo ship full of books sank?
It caused a title wave!
What did one witch's cat say to the other?
You look familiar.
Why did the cat keep meow-ing? It didn’t want to be fur-gotten.
It may seem a bit corny but we appreciate you working your tail off for us.
What language do things that fly in the sky speak....
Plane english
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
"You can't sip with us."
Why did the giant ape climb up the side of the skyscraper?
Because the elevator was broken.
The painter wanted to feel the texture, so he buttered his toast with his fingers.