"learn to play piano by ear!"
"Thanks, I'd rather use my fingers."
Why do fish like worms?
Fish like worms because they’re hooked on them.
What's a fetus's favorite craft?
Embryoidery.
How do elephants bathe?
With their trunks on.
Potato puns are a-peeling.
What do you get from a bad-tempered shark?
You get as far away as possible.
What do pigs learn in the army? Ham to ham combat.
What is it called when a skeleton lawyer works for free!
Pro Bone-O.
Shrek isn't bad, but he's not that great either. I guess you could say he's medi-ogre.
"Yoda one for me."
I had fresh coconut the last time I went to Hawaii. It’s a tough nut to crack.
I'm 6'6", 280lb, and I've played piano for 23 years
I'm a huge pianist.
My new toaster oven is a huge improvement for making lunch.
I used to eat unappetizing sandwiches but I quit cold turkey.
What did one sea monster say to the other sea monster when they started their new jobs as sewer inspectors?
- It’s going to be a Nessie job, but let’s get Kraken!
The Bee Gees were such fans of onions that they even dedicated a song to it. They named it 'Chives Talking'.
What do baseball players eat at White Castle?
Sliders.
What happens when a hen eats gunpowder?
She lays hand gren-eggs.
If a dog chews shoes, whose shoes does he choose?
How many ears does Spok have?
Three. The left ear, the right ear and The Final Frontier.
Why are plants the best chefs?
They’re succulent.
What do skeletons complain about?
Aching bones.
What competition do nuts participate in?
The peanut butter cup.
What bee is most indecisive?
A May bee!
What will you do if you come across a green alien? I’ll simply wait until it’s ripe.
What type of tool does a prehistoric reptile carpenter use? A dino-saw. Who makes the best prehistoric reptile clothes ? A dino-sewer.
Why do witches only ride their broomsticks at night?
That's the time to sweep.
Why is earth worm humor offensive?
They only know dirty jokes.
What is Whitney Houston's favorite kind of lettuce?
Ennnnnnndddiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiivvvee.
A friend got to the final of the local model railway competition. He lost on points.
What kind of elf lives in a soda can?
A Sprite!
What kind of letters did the snake get from his admirers?
Fang letters.
Why didn't the mummy finish his Halloween candy?
Because he was stuffed!
I forgot my fork so tried to eat my lunch with just a spoon. It was pointless.
How do you let a deer know you like her?
You fawn over her.
A boy ghost thought a girl ghost was cute so he asked if she would be his ghoul-friend.
Why are acorns bad at telling jokes? Because they tend to be acorn-y.
Nowadays, people drought the accuracy of weather men because the climatic patterns are so unpredictable.
What did the mom say to her kitten when she caught him slouching? Paw attention to your paw-sture!
What do witches put on their hair? Scare spray.
What’s a mouse favourite family sitcom?
Full Mouse.
Why do trees always hold grudges? Because they never fir-get.
What do birds like to put in their soup? Crow-tons.
My kid didn't want to tell me that his tooth was loose.
I had to pull it out of him.
When you come across a lost wolf, the first greeting should be, “how are you where-wolf”.
Son: "Dad, why'd you name me Odysseus? He's from greek mythology."
Dad: "Well son, you broke through the trojan wall."
What did the farmer say when someone complimented him on his corn harvest?
Aww, shucks!
Fake ramen noodles are also called the impasta.
There are more planes in the ocean than there are submarines in the sky
This much is plane to sea
Q. Which US city holds the record for suicidal gorillas jumping off skyscrapers?
A. Fall-Adelphia.
I had never seen a horse that white. Perhaps, that is why it is called a mayo-neighs.