Fall makes me g-leaf-full!
In the medieval ages, many knights had to travel throughout day and night. In order to increase their visibility in darkness, they invented a device known as the knightvision goggles.
When potato chips don’t sell fast enough, the maker knows it will soon be crunch time.
What do you call someone who only eats tiny bits of other people?
A cannibble.
Why do watermelons have fancy weddings? Because they cantaloupe.
What do you call it when you boil a water buffalo?
A mist steak.
Q: Why did the beaver need an alarm clock?
A: It was to dam early.
When you push a strawberry down a hill, you make a strawberry turnover.
I asked my friend for a tube of toothpaste. He gave me the smallest tube I’ve ever seen.
Next time, I’ll ask for teethpaste.
What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.
“Oh, deer! Christmas is here!”
What is a giraffe’s favorite fruit?
Necktarines.
What do you drink if you want to freshen your breath? Mint-Tea.
People order potatoes a lot because they look a-peeling on the menu.
I have been trying to write a new pizza joke…
But I can’t work out the delivery.
What happens when you try to eat 5 candy bars at once? You're gonna choke alot.
What did Sophocles call his dating service in Ancient Greece?
Oedipal Arrangements.
Cherry pie can be a bit aggressive. Rumor has it they go around saying, “Hey! You want a piece of me?”
I am on the train and a light just came on saying the toilet is engaged.
Congratulations, toilet!
Where do fish go to watch movies?
At the dive-in.
Have you heard Mariah Kleenex's big holiday single?
It's called "I Don't Want a Snot for Christmas"
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
What’s a snow princess’s glow worm’s favourite song?
Let it Glow, Let it Glow!
I’ve always liked one-liners. That’s why I’m a fan of monorails.
What do neurons use to talk to each other?
Cellular phones.
What
What did the avocado say to the fork? “You guac my world.”
Where do fish save their money?
In the river bank.
What did the duck do after he read all these jokes?
He quacked up.
Why was the whale so sad?
The fish was said because he was a Blue whale!
Why did the computer wear glasses?
To improve its web sight.
Two spines are running up the hill as a hedgehog passes by them
Then one spine turns and says to the other “we missed the bus!!”
Did you hear about the poker player who lost his arm and got a prosthetic replacement?
He’s finding it hard to deal with.
How do you fix a damaged jack-o-lantern?
You use a pumpkin patch.
What bat was called an invader?
Bat-talina.
The Vikings had an initiative tradition where a child had to participate in a raid to become a full man.
As they say, it takes a pillage to raise a child.
How can you hear the sounds of a group of dolphins?
Listen to their podcast.
The old and wise onion had once told me that life is similar to onions. Whenever we peel off our protective layers, we end up crying.
Did you hear about the man who quit his job at a bakery? They said that it left him loathe of bread.
What caliber is Chekhov's gun?
Catch-22.
Have you heard about the roman numeral hospital?
All they have is IVs!
"Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a python."
"Oh you can’t get round me like that, you know."
I'm glad I have my 2nd Amendment right to bear arms.
Otherwise, I'd have been amputated at birth.
You snow the drill.
Did you hear about the guy who fell into the industrial cake mixer?
He's feeling much batter now.
What does a biologist wear when they're going out?
Designer genes.
When Smokey died in a forest fire, how did his body get to the cemetery ?
Pallbears.
What do you call the story of a poor witch that just became a millionaire?
Rags to witches story.
How do horses get to another star system? They travel through intergalloptic space.
As soon as the plane was invented, things started looking up.
What do you call a skeleton who rings the doorbell?
A dead ringer.