What do you call a periodic table when the gold is missing? Au revoir.
Did you know that camels can last longer without water than se*?
They can go three weeks without water, but can't go a day without a hump.
There is a higher chance of being struck by lightning than to be killed in a shark attack.
Shocking isn't it.
What did the florist say when it was springtime?
Business is blooming!
"Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a python."
"Oh you can’t get round me like that, you know."
What do zombies eat for dessert?
Eyes cream.
There’s a suspicious email going around, with the subject line “Canned meat.” Don’t open it, it’s spam!
What was the cheese’s strategy when it ran for president?
Make America grate again.
A team may be talented, but there is no substitute to this, no train no gain!
Blue jeans are immortal. They never die, they just fade away!
Did you hear about the broadcasters in the aeroplane?
They're on air now
What do you call a guy with no arms and legs lying on a pile of leaves?
Russle.
Don't get caught between a chalk and a hard place.
I had gradient expectations on him of being a good artist, but it was all in vain!
Love the beach. Can I be any more Pacific?
Why won’t the mushroom buy a couch? - He prefers toadstools.
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? It's Christmas, Eve!
What do you call corn that joins the army?
Kernel.
What do you call a frozen frankfurter? A Chili dog.
One mermaid said to the other, "I love your shell bracelet, can I Triton?"
What do penguins eat for lunch?
Ice burg-ers.
Doctor Doctor I've broken my arm in four places.
Docter: Well stop going to those 4 places then!
I like to tell this one joke about homemade bombs
But it always blows up in my face.
Did you hear about the two silk worms in a race?
It ended in a tie.
I nearly kicked my dog out, but we renegotiated the terms of his leash.
Why are vampires like false teeth?
They come out at night.
Why was the ketchup feeling bad?
Because it had the squirts.
What is an elf’s favorite kind of birthday cake?
Shortcake!
What goes dot, dot, dash, squeak?
Mouse code!
What do you call a skeleton snake?
A rattler.
What do you get when you cross a giraffe and a pig?
Bacon and legs.
What did the worm say to his friend when he got stuck in pumpkin?
Worm your way out of that one!
Someone put LSD in my hair gel
My hair has been spiked!
Why did the farmer feed money to his cow?
He wanted rich milk.
Softball is just like baseball
Except the tactics seem more underhanded.
I go through so much shampoo it's just ridiculous!
I don't know, maybe my head is bigger than most but it does say to use a cap full.
Why did Iron Man sleep outside when it rained?
To get some rust.
Salty but sweet.
Sad to hear that Baron von Frankenstein has given up on his dream of being an actor.
He couldn’t get the parts.
What sound does a vacuum sweeper make when it explodes?
Ka-BROOM!!!
It doesn't matter if my wife tells me Im not mature
Im not going to let her enter my tree house without the right password.
What do you call a cat that works at a printing shop?
A copy cat.
Why couldn't the troll catch any fish?
Because other people took the bait.
A mountain biker was chased by a Grizzly this morning. He bearly made it.
The scare crow was out standing in his field, so he got awarded as the best employee of the year.
What did the beaver say to the river? You can run but can't tide.
If a young goat learns a martial art, are they a karate kid?
For instant fun, just add water.
Why do they put lotion in tissues?
To soften the blow.
What do you call a fly with no Wings?
A walk.