Mother knows best, and when winter comes, Mother Nature snows best.
Where do Russians get their milk?
From Mos-cows.
Why did the tectonic plates break up?
It wasn’t her fault, but there was just too much friction between them.
"Say you'll be wine."
What do you call a giraffe winning a horse race?
A long shot.
What do you give a panda when it is sick?
Pandadol.
What does a duck that’s made of avocado say?
Guac.
People call my obsession with the afterlife, suicidal. Truth be told,
I'm dying to find out if there is life after death.
KFC have hired geneticists to edit chicken DNA
Apparently they want something CRISPR.
If there's a Tim Horton's chain, should there be a Lanny McDonald's? Or Doug
Harvey's? And what about Ron's Francise?
What do you call a locomotive with a cold? A choo choo train.
What does the birch like to study in school? Chemistree.
Who is a crow’s favorite actor? Russell Crow!
What do you call a Blind Dinosaur's Dog? Do-ya-think-he-saurus-rex.
Being in love is a lot like central heating in your home.
You turn it on just before your guests come over and pretend that your house is always like this.
Why was red in awe of orange?
“Because orange blue green.”
What did the stimulus do to the neuron after they got married?
Carried it over the threshold.
What's the difference between a lobster and a Chinese man who's been run over by a bus?
Ones a crustaecian and the other is a crushed Asian.
Why did the cookie monster rob the keebler elves? Because they had a lot of dough.
I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
No one can accuse this trip of being plane.
What do you call a sloppy Joe made with taco seasoned beef?
Sloppy José
Why was Mozart a child prodigy?
All his early pieces were in A sharp minor.
My doctor didn’t show up to the appointment about my hairline.
He said it got pushed back
I went to watch a play and there were so many peach errors in the dialogues.
So I was standing in the grocery store comparing the prices of a couple packs of hummus when my roommate came up to me and suggest the off brand roasted red pepper kind to which I replied:
"Ya, I'm not really sure about that brand. They seem to be very hit and hummus for me."
He was not impressed.
Did you hear about the football player with the dirty mouth?
Yeah. He was an offensive lineman.
What did the nut husband tell his wife? “Nut-ing lasts forever, except my love for you!”
What happens when you play tug-of-war with a pug?
Pulled pork!
What do you get when you cross an alligator and a poison frog?
A croakadile.
"Reti or not, here I come!"
Summer is here, so I’m moving all of my bad habits outside.
Why was the pig given a red card at the football game?
For playing dirty.
What do neurons do on their birthdays?
They cell-ebrate
The guy missed both his serves on match point. I won by de-fault.
Got a puncture in my tyre the other day. Think it was at the fork in the road.
A berry from which you can directly drink out of is a straw-berry.
What was the watermelon’s naughty pick-up line?
“Want to see my melons?”
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
What are crisp, like milk and go 'eek, eek, eek' when you eat them? Mice Krispies!
I knew a guy who gave away his art but he only seemed to paint ducks with incomplete faces.
I asked about it once and he said "I like to bill them later."
Which basketball team is the favorite at the North Pole?
The New York Old Saint Knicks.
What's the difference between an owl and an Irish funeral?
One's awake in the night and the other's a wake in the day.
The dock keeps floating above the river because of the pier- pressure.
I find you very a-peeling.
Shell-abrate the good times!
What is a cat’s favorite song? Three blind mice!
Local restaurant has kangaroo loin and it’s actually pretty good
It’s been awhile since I had it, but I remember it being a little jumpy and has a kick.
Dad Bee left. Mama Bee calls out ...
Honeycomb home!
A honey bee lands on a flower but is quickly kicked off by the spider living there. Perturbed, he flies away and lands on a different flower...
It was a cross pollination.