What do you call it when Satan steals your guacamole?
Playing Devil’s Avocado.
What did the salad lover say to his girlfriend?
You will Romaine in my heart forever.
Where do the monkeys get their gossip?
They hear it on the ape vine.
Our farm is haunted by chickens. You could say that we have a poultry-geist problem.
Which mammal absolutely loves Merlot and Cabernet?
The Wineoceros.
My friend keeps joking about the thing he has to wear to cover his mouth while he's exercising outside.
It's a running gag.
What do you call an and with frogs legs?
An antphibian.
An action potential takes the train to school. What is the name of the train station where it gets off for school?
Axon terminal.
How do cats say goodbye in Italy?
Miao.
Why are Siberian tigers so happy at Christmas time? Because it is snowy, and they get to look like white tigers.
What is a snake’s favorite TV show?
Monty Python.
Kids got me an Old-school Chemistry set for Father's Day...
... Totally in my Element.
How do you catch a Polynesian squirrel?
Climb a tree and act like a coconut.
Grandpa died because we couldn’t figure out his blood type.
At least he told us to be positive.
What do you get if you cross a pelican and zebra? Two streets further away.
Why don't the Maple Leafs drink tea? Because the Canadiens and Red Wings have all the cups.
What does a trumpet and a baseball have in common? People cheer when you hit them with a bat.
You’re right up my alley.
What do you call a group of arms?
An army.
"Santa’s pretty stelfy going down the chimney, don’t you think?" said one elf to another.
What do zombie actors do before they perform?
They re-hearse.
What do you call a little ghost with a torn sheet? A hole-y terror.
I'm trying to think of a weather pun, but my mind's kinda cloudy now.
What is an astronaut's favorite candy bar?
Milky way.
Why did Noah have to punish the chickens on the Ark?
They were using fowl language.
What do you call a crab that throws things?
Lobster
What do you get if you cross an alligator with a flower?
I don’t know, but I will not smell it!
My wife said that onions are the only vegetable that makes her cry
So I threw a pumpkin at her
My wife was at the store earlier and she texted me saying, “Should I buy new beach towels?”
I wrote back, “Shore.”
Why do math teachers love parks so much?
Because of all the natural logs.
What vegetable lives in your heart?
Beets.
What’s a salesman’s favorite Scripture passage?
The Great Commission
What is a strawberry's favorite music band? Pearl Jam.
You know what they say about ice cream parents?
They play flavorites.
What do you call an turkey with a carrot in each ear? Anything you want as he can't hear you!
The divorce lawyer told me to get my affairs in order.
I said, "alphabetically or by age?"
What do you call a monk who steals a grilled cheese sandwich right off the griddle?
Out of the frying pan and into the friar.
What separates humans from dolphins?
The surface of the water.
What do you say happened to an onion who got what it deserved? You say it got karma-lized.
I made a bridge out of Kleenex.
I have truss tissues.
I’ve got a phobia of over-engineered buildings.
It’s a complex complex complex.
I don't know what Dracula's address is, but I'm pretty sure he lives on a dead end street.
Why don't alligators like fast food?
Because it is difficult to catch.
I told my mother moose were falling from the sky.
She said, "It's reindeer."
Why didn't the mexican archer fire his bow?
Because he didn't habanero.
How do geologists like to relax?
In rocking chairs, of course!
Which monster did the three bears catch sleeping?
Ghouldilocks!
Why do Bigfoots like to tell jokes?
Because they're killer comedians.
After being stuck in the ice storm all day long, the man said, "I am starving. Can I avalanche?"
This foundation is rock salad.