How sweet is only for girls?
Her-shey’s kisses.
How do you know you are a Master Gardener?
There is a decorative compost container on your kitchen counter.
You would rather go to a nursery to shop than a clothing store.
You prefer gardening to watching television.
You plan vacation trips to arboretums and public parks.
Dirt under your fingernails and calloused palms are matters of pride.
My mother-in-law never taught my wife to shave her legs without getting cut.
She didn’t razor right.
What kind of croc hangs out in back passages around town?
An Alley-gator.
My wife and I have the same shoes. I guess you could say we are solemates.
How do you circumcise a whale?
You send down four skin divers.
Flight attendants fly with a very meaningful motto: always look on the flight side of life.
Why is the baby strawberry crying?
Because its parents are jamming
When do monkeys fall from the sky?
During ape-ril showers.
Why is it harder for Orange Juice to slide across a floor than apple juice?
Pulp Friction.
Two meth heads start a relationship, is that considered speed dating
or just mething around?
What do poplars bring to war? They bring their infan-tree.
Walked into a restroom and saw an "Out of order" sign on a urinal.
It's going to be tough to move all these urinals to get them back in the right order....
I like to roll peas from the top of a mountain. I always start at the peak.
I can’t believe I framed the ball in for a winner. Shank you!
What do you call people who go to space? Icetronauts.
"Partners in wine."
Who do you call a pig who can paint like a great artist? Pablo PIGcaso.
What did the LEFT Stereo Speaker say to the RIGHT, as he was being taken away for repairs
AUDIOS!
Alligators can live up to 100 years…
Which is why there’s a chance that they will see you later.
Basketball players always drop cookies into their milk.
That way, it's a slam dunk.
Flat-Earthers hate the fact our planet is spherical, whereas Asgard is flat.
It's a Thor subject for them.
Snow thank you.
For his birthday, the snowman wants a cake with lots of icing on it.
What do you call a Pharaoh who has road rage?
Tootin' car man.
What’s the difference between a teacher and a railway security guard? One trains the mind, the other minds the train.
What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Frosted Flakes.
What do you call a girl watermelon cop on the beat? A water fe-melon duty.
Plain popcorn? You can do butter than that.
What does a cat say when it gets injured? MeOWWW!
What should you do if you see a blue banana?
Try and cheer it up.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
To keep their nuts dry.
Can birds sell cereal to children?
I don't know if one can, but toucan.
Famous mermaid saying: Keep your friends close and your anemones closer.
Q. Which dinosaur species has deep blue-green feathers?
A. Teal-Rex.
Why do fish swim in schools?
Because they can't walk.
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.
When the ghost watched a sad movie he started boo-hooing.
What do you get if you cross a mouse with a Triceratops? Enormous holes in the base boards.
The comedian said a joke from the 17th century, the crowd went historical.
What do you call a buffet for sheep?
All you can bleat!
My friend pointed at a chandelier and said: "isn't that the coolest chandelier ever?"
I replied: "I don't know if it's the coolest, but it's up there."
A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.
I’ll never fir-get.
Who needs luck? I have charm.
Sadly, hydrogen and helium broke things off. But they still think of each other... periodically.
I got punched in the mouth by a drug addict today.
Now my jaw’s all methed up.
Did you see that movie about King Kong, the giant ape?
The plot was pretty bananas.
What do you call a distilled botanical that likes to play the guitar??
Ginny Hendrix
My Wifi password is "writtenontherouter"
And I let all my guests walk to the router and let them unsuccessfully try to use the initial password until I tell them it's literally "writtenontherouter".