I couldn't resist this flirty TV remote...
It was an instant turn on.
What do you call a troll that’s in charge?
In control.
There are actually two types of apple: pine – apple and bad – apple.
What’s a good winter tip?
Never catch snowflakes on your tongue until all the birds have flown south for the winter.
Name a rock group where none of the members sings or plays music.
Mt. Rushmore!
A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it:
Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Guy: "Whats the bad news?"
Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."
Guy: OMG, and the good news?
Doc: You now have a tic tac toe.
It is a great idea to ask peaches to make your shoes. After all, they make excellent cobblers.
What did one nut say to the other?
“Cashew later.”
What kind of fish is only made of salt.
A tu-na.
What's an owl's favorite Beatles song?
Owl You Need Is Love.
What does the witch do on her birthday?
She spellabrates.
What’s the scariest koala movie ever made? The Bear Witch Project.
My girlfriend brought 50,000 bees and put them in our backyard.
She's a keeper.
Do you know why it’s called almond milk?
Because nobody would buy it if it was called nut juice.
How do you know if a tiger is male or female?
Throw a rock at it. If he runs it's a male. If she runs it's a female.
What do you call an otter with a carrot in each ear? Anything you want as he can't hear you!
Which athlete wrote the book, Jumping for Exercize?
Lee Ping.
What’s ET short for?
So he can fit in the spaceship!
What do winged horses attend in school? Pegclasses.
A space fish is usually called starfish.
What is a car’s favourite sport?
Soc-car.
Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
At the bottom.
Why are trees a popular Christmas decoration? They look good in boughs.
Why was the roman soldier kicked out of the army? Because he was roamin around during war.
What do you call a knight that jousts all the time
Sir Lance-alot
What do you call an eye that can fly?
A real eye soar.
I hate windy weather. It really blows.
The superconductor left without resistance.
How do pigs get to the hospital?
In ham-bulances.
I took all the punctuation marks off of the judge's keyboard.
I expect a long sentence.
The watermelon plant didn’t like sharing a garden with passion vines; but they started to grow on him.
Why are dogwood trees amazing pets? They have a great bark and a wooden bite.
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
Ice simply love it when it snows!
What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.
No one likes sausage puns, they are the wurst!
Why was the criminal dubbed the Beer Runner let go after being arrested for stealing 23 beers?
'Cause the prosecutors didn't have a case.
What does the fish say when she disagrees with her husband?
I don’t quite sea it that way.
What’s a horse’s favorite country singer?
Colt-on Underwood.
What does a Muslim Viking say at the movie theater?
Valhalla Snackbar!
What do you call a bear that jumps but never lands?
Peter Panda.
Q. Which dinosaur species has deep blue-green feathers?
A. Teal-Rex.
Whats the difference between and orchestra and a bull? On the bull the horns are in the front and the a***ole is in the back.
Why is cherry pie so legendary? Because it is history in the baking.
Why did one pineapple invite another to their party? Because they were real piner-pals.
What do you call two monkeys sharing an Amazon account?
Prime-Mates!
I’m ready to shamrock and roll.
Why was the teapot sitting in the corner?
It was having a pour attitude.
Q: Did you hear about the pea that changed careers?
A: He went into a different field!
What happened to the man who didn’t pay his exorcist? His house was repossessed.