How do you stop a bear from charging?
Take away its credit cards.
The inventor of mosquito repellent likely did not know where to begin...
I guess he would have to start from scratch.
When does a sloth go "moo"? When it is learning a new language!
Don't worry, bee happy!
What do you call a cow that just gave birth?
Decalfeinated.
What's the best time of year to see gorillas in the wild? Ape-ril.
The last ten times I’ve been to a fancy dress party, I’ve gone as a shark.
The joke’s wearing fin.
What do you call an imaginary pig? A pig-ment of your imagination.
Did you hear about the party at the Chinese zoo?
It was Panda-monium.
What do birds like to put in their soup? Crow-tons.
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur A lickalotopis
I had a nightmare about being attacked by a shark.
When I woke up I realized it was just a bream.
Why did the cat want to learn to fly?
She wanted to try bats.
What’s a gorilla’s favourite pop group? A: Bananarama!
What makes more noise than a dog barking outside your window?
Two dogs barking outside your window.
What side does the zebra have the most stripes on?
The outside.
A pony goes to see the doctor one day.
He says, "Doc, you've got to help me. I've had this terrible sore throat for weeks and I think there must be some badly wrong."
The doctor examines him and then reassures him saying, "It's okay, it's nothing serious; you're just a little horse."
Who has better beer: Rabbits or Kangaroos?
Kanagaroos. While they both do great with the hops, Kangaroos just have a little more kick!
Why was the cow always exercising? To build up its moo-scles
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?
Eleph-ino! (Sounds like "Hell if I know!")
Why was the penguin so annoying?
Because he was always fishing for complements.
Who called it a goat petting zoo...
and not Close Encounters of the Herd Kind?
Why do tigers always hunt and eat their prey raw?
Because they don’t know how to cook it.
What goes dot, dot, dash, squeak? Mouse code!
How do fish get from place to place while playing golf?
With a golf carp,
Did you know that you only need two letters to spell Panda?
You just need P and A.
Police are investigating a string of homicides which have occurred over the last two weeks. The victims have identified as Cap'n Crunch, Toucan Sam, Tony the Tiger, and the latest victim, Lucky the Leprechaun.
They are looking for a cereal killer.
What do you call an alligator that has all the other gators at the swamp crown around him?
A congregator.
My friend said, "I bought a parrot for my son that has red and blue feathers."
I said, "Your son must look very strange."
Q. Which square dancing step do stags enjoy most?
A. The Doe-si-Does.
Why did the dolphin blush?
Because it saw the ocean’s bottom!
Why is it hard to carry on a conversation with a goat?
Because they are always butting in.
What goes white black white black white black red?
A panda that falls from a cliff.
What do you get when a penguin lays an egg on a hill?
An eggroll.
My wife and I are very competitive, but when it came to flamingo impersonation, I didn't stand a chance
She had a leg up the whole time.
Why are beavers so good in maths? They love log'arithms.
My pet parrot, Nickel, just passed away.
Now I have a Nickel-less cage.
Q. Which US city holds the record for suicidal gorillas jumping off skyscrapers?
A. Fall-Adelphia.
What did the dolphin say to the blue whale?
“Cheer up!”
What did Dracula say when he saw a giraffe for the first time?
I’d like to get to gnaw you.
What is a three toed sloth's favorite kind of chip?
Fritos.
Where do otters come from?
Otter Space.
What does a koala do before making any kind of appointment? He always checks his koalander.
What do you call a thirsty camel ?
A dry humper.
Why did the giraffe graduate early?
He was head and shoulders above the rest of the class.
What do dogs have that no other animal has?
Puppies.
What’s a horse’s favorite country singer?
Colt-on Underwood.
Where did the deer go to fix its tail?
The re-tail shop.
Why did the frog make so many mistakes?
It jumped to the wrong conclusions.
What’s a horse’s favorite sport?
Saddleball.