What is as big as a steam locomotive, but weighs nothing? Its shadow.
Why should you never trust a train? They have loco motives.
First time hunters were arguing over which kind of animal tracks they had found when they were hit by a train.
Those who steal trains must have a loco–motive!
Went to a railway fancy dress party. Everyone was wearing platforms.
Why did the train have to rush to the bathroom?
It’s been toot toot tootin all day long!
A friend got to the final of the local model railway competition. He lost on points.
Why didn't the conductor know what to do when he found that his train was missing?
He wasn't trained for this.
Never liked the troll who lives under the local railway bridge. He’s my arch enemy.
I’ve been meaning to make a list of bad railroad puns…but I keep getting side tracked.
I've always wanted to become a podiatrist, but was made to train as a paediatrician first.
Baby steps.
I tried to tell my favourite joke about trains, but it got derailed.
Got a couple of railway buffers going cheap. It was an end of line sale.
What do you call a train that sneezes? Achoo-choo train.
I know someone who tried to run away after camouflaging a railway. He tried to cover his tracks.
If you walk along a railroad track you may soon feel run down.
I was so embarrassed when my wife found me playing with my son’s train set that I threw a blanket over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
I’ve always liked one-liners. That’s why I’m a fan of monorails.
Why did the train have bubble gum? Because he wanted to go Choo Choo
What did the monster say when he saw a rush hour train full of passengers? Oh good! A chew chew train!
What did Train say when they visited a sibling in South Korea?
Hey, Seoul Sister!
I know someone who tried to runway after camouflaging a railway. He tried to cover his tracks.
A fired newspaper editor took an ex-press train out of town.
How do trains eat?
They chew chew.
Why are the railroad tracks angry? Because people are always crossing them.
Never going drinking with Train drivers again.
All they did all night was tell me to ‘chug,chug,chug,chug.’
A friend got to the final of the local model railway competition. He lost on points.
I used to be a railroad conductor, but my boss found out I wasn’t trained.
My boss said to me, “You are the worst train operator ever. How many trains have you derailed in the past year?”
I said, “I’m not sure. It’s so hard to keep track.”
I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed. He said, “I’m not sure, it’s hard to keep track.”
A friend of mine quit his job as a reporter and left town by railway. It was an ex-press train.
Why did the monster eat the caboose? The locomotive told it to choo choo.
Went to a railway fancy dress party. Everyone was wearing platforms.
A railroad engineer must be sure not to lose his train of thought or he might go down the wrong track.
The school teacher tells you to spit out your gum, while the locomotive says “Choo Choo Choo!”
Did you hear about the man who sat next to his clone on the train?
He was beside himself.
Why do you have to wait so long for a train on Halloween? They only run a skeleton service.
I miss the old days of railway when the engineer had plenty of esteem.
I am on the train and a light just came on saying the toilet is engaged.
Congratulations, toilet!
New electric trains will run on conductors.
What kind of ears do trains have?
Engineers.
I’ve always liked one-liners. That’s why I’m a fan of monorails.
How long does it take for electricity to travel the length of a 10 car train?
It all depends on the conductor.
Why are ghosts no good at running a railway? A. Because they can’t even put on a skeleton service!
The US army secretly trains pigeons to help overthrow hostile foreign governments.
It’s a military coo.
Got a couple of railway buffers going cheap. It was an end of line sale.
How can you tell a train just went by? A. You can see it’s tracks!
What do you give a train driver for Christmas? Platform shoes!
Why can’t the engineer be electrocuted? Because he’s not a conductor!
I saw a guy on the train holding a newspaper in front of his face.
He was behind The Times.
Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.