How can you tell a train just went by? A. You can see it’s tracks!
Went to a railway fancy dress party. Everyone was wearing platforms.
I miss the old days of railway when the engineer had plenty of esteem.
New electric trains will run on conductors.
I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed. He said, “I’m not sure, it’s hard to keep track.”
How do you find a missing train? Follow the tracks
Never going drinking with Train drivers again.
All they did all night was tell me to ‘chug,chug,chug,chug.’
I used to be a railroad conductor, but my boss found out I wasn’t trained.
Why didn't the conductor know what to do when he found that his train was missing?
He wasn't trained for this.
I’ve always liked one-liners. That’s why I’m a fan of monorails.
I've always wanted to become a podiatrist, but was made to train as a paediatrician first.
Baby steps.
I know an elephant who refused to travel by train because he didn’t want to leave his trunk in the baggage car.
The school teacher tells you to spit out your gum, while the locomotive says “Choo Choo Choo!”
Got a couple of railway buffers going cheap. It was an end of line sale.
Why should you never trust a train? They have loco motives.
I was so embarrassed when my wife found me playing with my son’s train set that I threw a blanket over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
A fired newspaper editor took an ex-press train out of town.
Did you hear about the man who sat next to his clone on the train?
He was beside himself.
My boss said to me, “You are the worst train operator ever. How many trains have you derailed in the past year?”
I said, “I’m not sure. It’s so hard to keep track.”
I’ve always liked one-liners. That’s why I’m a fan of monorails.
Why don’t elephants like to ride on trains? Because they hate leaving their trunks in the baggage car.
What kind of ears do trains have?
Engineers.
First time hunters were arguing over which kind of animal tracks they had found when they were hit by a train.
Those who steal trains must have a loco–motive!
I don’t want to drive you crazy, but I do have a loco-motive
Why are the railroad tracks angry? Because people are always crossing them.
A friend of mine quit his job as a reporter and left town by railway. It was an ex-press train.
Why did the monster eat the caboose? The locomotive told it to choo choo.
Went to a railway fancy dress party. Everyone was wearing platforms.
What did Train say when they visited a sibling in South Korea?
Hey, Seoul Sister!
Why are ghosts no good at running a railway? A. Because they can’t even put on a skeleton service!
Why did the train have to rush to the bathroom?
It’s been toot toot tootin all day long!
Where do crabs and lobsters catch their trains?
King's Crustation.
What do you call a train that sneezes? Achoo-choo train.
What did the Mama Steam Engine say to her Baby Steam Engine at supper time? “Choo choo!”
Why did the Mexican train robber rob the train?
Because he had a loco-motive.
I’ve been meaning to make a list of bad railroad puns…but I keep getting side tracked.
What’s the difference between a teacher and a railway security guard? One trains the mind, the other minds the train.
I saw a guy on the train holding a newspaper in front of his face.
He was behind The Times.
A friend got to the final of the local model railway competition. He lost on points.
What is as big as a steam locomotive, but weighs nothing? Its shadow.
The US army secretly trains pigeons to help overthrow hostile foreign governments.
It’s a military coo.
A railroad engineer must be sure not to lose his train of thought or he might go down the wrong track.
What do you call a train loaded with bubble gum? A chew-chew train.
How do locomotives hear? Through the engineers!
What happened to the man that took the 5 o’clock train home? He had to give it back!
What did the monster say when he saw a rush hour train full of passengers? Oh good! A chew chew train!
Never liked the troll who lives under the local railway bridge. He’s my arch enemy.
How do trains eat?
They chew chew.
I just quit my job as a train driver a few weeks ago.
I can't help but feel that my life has gone off the rails since.
What kind of a car does a crazy man drive? A LOCOmotive.
Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.
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