I don’t want to drive you crazy, but I do have a loco-motive
What did the Mama Steam Engine say to her Baby Steam Engine at supper time? “Choo choo!”
Why did the monster eat the caboose? The locomotive told it to choo choo.
What do you call a train loaded with bubble gum? A chew-chew train.
How do locomotives hear? Through the engineers!
What do you give a train driver for Christmas? Platform shoes!
I’ve always liked one-liners. That’s why I’m a fan of monorails.
First time hunters were arguing over which kind of animal tracks they had found when they were hit by a train.
Those who steal trains must have a loco–motive!
A fired newspaper editor took an ex-press train out of town.
Why are ghosts no good at running a railway? A. Because they can’t even put on a skeleton service!
I know an elephant who refused to travel by train because he didn’t want to leave his trunk in the baggage car.
Why can’t the engineer be electrocuted? Because he’s not a conductor!
What kind of a car does a crazy man drive? A LOCOmotive.
I just quit my job as a train driver a few weeks ago.
I can't help but feel that my life has gone off the rails since.
Why did the train have bubble gum? Because he wanted to go Choo Choo
New electric trains will run on conductors.
What’s the difference between a teacher and a railway security guard? One trains the mind, the other minds the train.
Ticket inspectors. You’ve got to hand it to them…
The school teacher tells you to spit out your gum, while the locomotive says “Choo Choo Choo!”
I miss the old days of railway when the engineer had plenty of esteem.
Did you hear about the boy who had to do a project on trains? He had to keep track of everything!
I tried to tell my favourite joke about trains, but it got derailed.
I was running to catch a train yesterday, but just as I was approaching it...
I realized my net wasn't big enough.
If you walk along a railroad track you may soon feel run down.
I saw a guy on the train holding a newspaper in front of his face.
He was behind The Times.
I’ve been meaning to make a list of bad railroad puns…but I keep getting side tracked.
A friend of mine quit his job as a reporter and left town by railway. It was an ex-press train.
How do you find a missing train? Follow the tracks
How can you tell a train just went by? A. You can see it’s tracks!
What kind of ears do trains have?
Engineers.
What happened to the man that took the 5 o’clock train home? He had to give it back!
Why should you never trust a train? They have loco motives.
A friend got to the final of the local model railway competition. He lost on points.
I've always wanted to become a podiatrist, but was made to train as a paediatrician first.
Baby steps.
How do trains eat?
They chew chew.
Did you hear about the man who sat next to his clone on the train?
He was beside himself.
I’ve always liked one-liners. That’s why I’m a fan of monorails.
Some local engineers took a train for a service, but the vicar said it was blocking the aisle.
A train track and a motorway walk into a bar. The train track says “a pint for me, please, and one for the road.”
I know someone who tried to run away after camouflaging a railway. He tried to cover his tracks.
What did the monster say when he saw a rush hour train full of passengers? Oh good! A chew chew train!
I was so embarrassed when my wife found me playing with my son’s train set that I threw a blanket over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
My boss said to me, “You are the worst train operator ever. How many trains have you derailed in the past year?”
I said, “I’m not sure. It’s so hard to keep track.”
A railroad engineer must be sure not to lose his train of thought or he might go down the wrong track.
Never liked the troll who lives under the local railway bridge. He’s my arch enemy.
Why didn't the conductor know what to do when he found that his train was missing?
He wasn't trained for this.
Went to a railway fancy dress party. Everyone was wearing platforms.
I am on the train and a light just came on saying the toilet is engaged.
Congratulations, toilet!
The US army secretly trains pigeons to help overthrow hostile foreign governments.
It’s a military coo.
What do you call a train that sneezes? Achoo-choo train.
How long does it take for electricity to travel the length of a 10 car train?
It all depends on the conductor.
I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed. He said, “I’m not sure, it’s hard to keep track.”
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