What’s the difference between a teacher and a railway security guard? One trains the mind, the other minds the train.
A railroad engineer must be sure not to lose his train of thought or he might go down the wrong track.
If you walk along a railroad track you may soon feel run down.
Never liked the troll who lives under the local railway bridge. He’s my arch enemy.
I was so embarrassed when my wife found me playing with my son’s train set that I threw a blanket over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
I saw a guy on the train holding a newspaper in front of his face.
He was behind The Times.
What do you call a locomotive with a cold? A choo choo train.
I know an elephant who refused to travel by train because he didn’t want to leave his trunk in the baggage car.
Where do crabs and lobsters catch their trains?
King's Crustation.
Got a couple of railway buffers going cheap. It was an end of line sale.
A friend got to the final of the local model railway competition. He lost on points.
Did you hear about the man who sat next to his clone on the train?
He was beside himself.
I've always wanted to become a podiatrist, but was made to train as a paediatrician first.
Baby steps.
I’ve always liked one-liners. That’s why I’m a fan of monorails.
Why should you never trust a train? They have loco motives.
Did you hear about the boy who had to do a project on trains? He had to keep track of everything!
What do you give a train driver for Christmas? Platform shoes!
I just quit my job as a train driver a few weeks ago.
I can't help but feel that my life has gone off the rails since.
I know someone who tried to run away after camouflaging a railway. He tried to cover his tracks.
I was running to catch a train yesterday, but just as I was approaching it...
I realized my net wasn't big enough.
Some local engineers took a train for a service, but the vicar said it was blocking the aisle.
A train track and a motorway walk into a bar. The train track says “a pint for me, please, and one for the road.”
I’ve been meaning to make a list of bad railroad puns…but I keep getting side tracked.
I know someone who tried to runway after camouflaging a railway. He tried to cover his tracks.
I don’t want to drive you crazy, but I do have a loco-motive
First time hunters were arguing over which kind of animal tracks they had found when they were hit by a train.
Those who steal trains must have a loco–motive!
Never going drinking with Train drivers again.
All they did all night was tell me to ‘chug,chug,chug,chug.’
Why don’t elephants like to ride on trains? Because they hate leaving their trunks in the baggage car.
I miss the old days of railway when the engineer had plenty of esteem.
What is as big as a steam locomotive, but weighs nothing? Its shadow.
The school teacher tells you to spit out your gum, while the locomotive says “Choo Choo Choo!”
What did the monster say when he saw a rush hour train full of passengers? Oh good! A chew chew train!
Ticket inspectors. You’ve got to hand it to them…
What do you call a train loaded with bubble gum? A chew-chew train.
How do locomotives hear? Through the engineers!
What do you call a train that sneezes? Achoo-choo train.
I tried to tell my favourite joke about trains, but it got derailed.
What happened to the man that took the 5 o’clock train home? He had to give it back!
What kind of ears do trains have?
Engineers.
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