What kind of ears do trains have?
Engineers.
Some local engineers took a train for a service, but the vicar said it was blocking the aisle.
A train track and a motorway walk into a bar. The train track says “a pint for me, please, and one for the road.”
Went to a railway fancy dress party. Everyone was wearing platforms.
What is as big as a steam locomotive, but weighs nothing? Its shadow.
I saw a guy on the train holding a newspaper in front of his face.
He was behind The Times.
I know an elephant who refused to travel by train because he didn’t want to leave his trunk in the baggage car.
First time hunters were arguing over which kind of animal tracks they had found when they were hit by a train.
Those who steal trains must have a loco–motive!
Why did the monster eat the caboose? The locomotive told it to choo choo.
Why did the Mexican train robber rob the train?
Because he had a loco-motive.
I miss the old days of railway when the engineer had plenty of esteem.
Why don’t elephants like to ride on trains? Because they hate leaving their trunks in the baggage car.
I’ve always liked one-liners. That’s why I’m a fan of monorails.
Got a couple of railway buffers going cheap. It was an end of line sale.
I was so embarrassed when my wife found me playing with my son’s train set that I threw a blanket over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
How can you tell a train just went by? A. You can see it’s tracks!
What’s the difference between a teacher and a railway security guard? One trains the mind, the other minds the train.
What happened to the man that took the 5 o’clock train home? He had to give it back!
My boss said to me, “You are the worst train operator ever. How many trains have you derailed in the past year?”
I said, “I’m not sure. It’s so hard to keep track.”
How long does it take for electricity to travel the length of a 10 car train?
It all depends on the conductor.
Why did the train have to rush to the bathroom?
It’s been toot toot tootin all day long!
I know someone who tried to runway after camouflaging a railway. He tried to cover his tracks.
I was running to catch a train yesterday, but just as I was approaching it...
I realized my net wasn't big enough.
Why should you never trust a train? They have loco motives.
I know someone who tried to run away after camouflaging a railway. He tried to cover his tracks.
A fired newspaper editor took an ex-press train out of town.
The US army secretly trains pigeons to help overthrow hostile foreign governments.
It’s a military coo.
What did the Mama Steam Engine say to her Baby Steam Engine at supper time? “Choo choo!”
I’ve always liked one-liners. That’s why I’m a fan of monorails.
What do you call a train that sneezes? Achoo-choo train.
Never going drinking with Train drivers again.
All they did all night was tell me to ‘chug,chug,chug,chug.’
I tried to tell my favourite joke about trains, but it got derailed.
The school teacher tells you to spit out your gum, while the locomotive says “Choo Choo Choo!”
I used to be a railroad conductor, but my boss found out I wasn’t trained.
Ticket inspectors. You’ve got to hand it to them…
I am on the train and a light just came on saying the toilet is engaged.
Congratulations, toilet!
Where do crabs and lobsters catch their trains?
King's Crustation.
A railroad engineer must be sure not to lose his train of thought or he might go down the wrong track.
A friend of mine quit his job as a reporter and left town by railway. It was an ex-press train.
Never liked the troll who lives under the local railway bridge. He’s my arch enemy.
What did Train say when they visited a sibling in South Korea?
Hey, Seoul Sister!
Went to a railway fancy dress party. Everyone was wearing platforms.
Why didn't the conductor know what to do when he found that his train was missing?
He wasn't trained for this.
How do you find a missing train? Follow the tracks
Why did the train have bubble gum? Because he wanted to go Choo Choo
I’ve been meaning to make a list of bad railroad puns…but I keep getting side tracked.
Why do you have to wait so long for a train on Halloween? They only run a skeleton service.
What did the monster say when he saw a rush hour train full of passengers? Oh good! A chew chew train!
Did you hear about the boy who had to do a project on trains? He had to keep track of everything!
New electric trains will run on conductors.
Got a couple of railway buffers going cheap. It was an end of line sale.
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