I saw a guy on the train holding a newspaper in front of his face.
He was behind The Times.
Why do you have to wait so long for a train on Halloween? They only run a skeleton service.
Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.
Got a couple of railway buffers going cheap. It was an end of line sale.
I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed. He said, “I’m not sure, it’s hard to keep track.”
I know someone who tried to run away after camouflaging a railway. He tried to cover his tracks.
I am on the train and a light just came on saying the toilet is engaged.
Congratulations, toilet!
Did you hear about the man who sat next to his clone on the train?
He was beside himself.
How do trains eat?
They chew chew.
What happened to the man that took the 5 o’clock train home? He had to give it back!
I used to be a railroad conductor, but my boss found out I wasn’t trained.
Some local engineers took a train for a service, but the vicar said it was blocking the aisle.
A train track and a motorway walk into a bar. The train track says “a pint for me, please, and one for the road.”
What do you call a locomotive with a cold? A choo choo train.
A railroad engineer must be sure not to lose his train of thought or he might go down the wrong track.
Why did the train have to rush to the bathroom?
It’s been toot toot tootin all day long!
Did you hear about the boy who had to do a project on trains? He had to keep track of everything!
Went to a railway fancy dress party. Everyone was wearing platforms.
Never going drinking with Train drivers again.
All they did all night was tell me to ‘chug,chug,chug,chug.’
What do you call a train that sneezes? Achoo-choo train.
Where do crabs and lobsters catch their trains?
King's Crustation.
What kind of a car does a crazy man drive? A LOCOmotive.
I know an elephant who refused to travel by train because he didn’t want to leave his trunk in the baggage car.
I don’t want to drive you crazy, but I do have a loco-motive
First time hunters were arguing over which kind of animal tracks they had found when they were hit by a train.
Those who steal trains must have a loco–motive!
What kind of ears do trains have?
Engineers.
What did the Mama Steam Engine say to her Baby Steam Engine at supper time? “Choo choo!”
What do you give a train driver for Christmas? Platform shoes!
If you walk along a railroad track you may soon feel run down.
A friend of mine quit his job as a reporter and left town by railway. It was an ex-press train.
I’ve been meaning to make a list of bad railroad puns…but I keep getting side tracked.
I've always wanted to become a podiatrist, but was made to train as a paediatrician first.
Baby steps.
I just quit my job as a train driver a few weeks ago.
I can't help but feel that my life has gone off the rails since.
The US army secretly trains pigeons to help overthrow hostile foreign governments.
It’s a military coo.
Why didn't the conductor know what to do when he found that his train was missing?
He wasn't trained for this.
New electric trains will run on conductors.
Ticket inspectors. You’ve got to hand it to them…
Never liked the troll who lives under the local railway bridge. He’s my arch enemy.
I was so embarrassed when my wife found me playing with my son’s train set that I threw a blanket over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
Why should you never trust a train? They have loco motives.
What’s the difference between a teacher and a railway security guard? One trains the mind, the other minds the train.
Why are ghosts no good at running a railway? A. Because they can’t even put on a skeleton service!
I miss the old days of railway when the engineer had plenty of esteem.
What do you call a train loaded with bubble gum? A chew-chew train.
How do locomotives hear? Through the engineers!
How long does it take for electricity to travel the length of a 10 car train?
It all depends on the conductor.
A friend got to the final of the local model railway competition. He lost on points.
A fired newspaper editor took an ex-press train out of town.
I’ve always liked one-liners. That’s why I’m a fan of monorails.
What is as big as a steam locomotive, but weighs nothing? Its shadow.
I’ve always liked one-liners. That’s why I’m a fan of monorails.
My boss said to me, “You are the worst train operator ever. How many trains have you derailed in the past year?”
I said, “I’m not sure. It’s so hard to keep track.”
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