Ticket inspectors. You’ve got to hand it to them…
I saw a guy on the train holding a newspaper in front of his face.
He was behind The Times.
I used to be a railroad conductor, but my boss found out I wasn’t trained.
Why should you never trust a train? They have loco motives.
My boss said to me, “You are the worst train operator ever. How many trains have you derailed in the past year?”
I said, “I’m not sure. It’s so hard to keep track.”
What do you call a train that sneezes? Achoo-choo train.
Some local engineers took a train for a service, but the vicar said it was blocking the aisle.
A train track and a motorway walk into a bar. The train track says “a pint for me, please, and one for the road.”
I was so embarrassed when my wife found me playing with my son’s train set that I threw a blanket over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
I’ve been meaning to make a list of bad railroad puns…but I keep getting side tracked.
Got a couple of railway buffers going cheap. It was an end of line sale.
I don’t want to drive you crazy, but I do have a loco-motive
What did the Mama Steam Engine say to her Baby Steam Engine at supper time? “Choo choo!”
Did you hear about the boy who had to do a project on trains? He had to keep track of everything!
Why did the monster eat the caboose? The locomotive told it to choo choo.
What do you call a locomotive with a cold? A choo choo train.
Went to a railway fancy dress party. Everyone was wearing platforms.
A friend got to the final of the local model railway competition. He lost on points.
A friend of mine quit his job as a reporter and left town by railway. It was an ex-press train.
Why do you have to wait so long for a train on Halloween? They only run a skeleton service.
Why did the train have bubble gum? Because he wanted to go Choo Choo
A friend got to the final of the local model railway competition. He lost on points.
Never liked the troll who lives under the local railway bridge. He’s my arch enemy.
I’ve always liked one-liners. That’s why I’m a fan of monorails.
Where do crabs and lobsters catch their trains?
King's Crustation.
I was running to catch a train yesterday, but just as I was approaching it...
I realized my net wasn't big enough.
How long does it take for electricity to travel the length of a 10 car train?
It all depends on the conductor.
What do you call a train loaded with bubble gum? A chew-chew train.
How do locomotives hear? Through the engineers!
I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed. He said, “I’m not sure, it’s hard to keep track.”
Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.
I miss the old days of railway when the engineer had plenty of esteem.
I just quit my job as a train driver a few weeks ago.
I can't help but feel that my life has gone off the rails since.
Why did the Mexican train robber rob the train?
Because he had a loco-motive.
I know someone who tried to run away after camouflaging a railway. He tried to cover his tracks.
Why did the train have to rush to the bathroom?
It’s been toot toot tootin all day long!
The school teacher tells you to spit out your gum, while the locomotive says “Choo Choo Choo!”
Went to a railway fancy dress party. Everyone was wearing platforms.
Why are the railroad tracks angry? Because people are always crossing them.
The US army secretly trains pigeons to help overthrow hostile foreign governments.
It’s a military coo.
First time hunters were arguing over which kind of animal tracks they had found when they were hit by a train.
Those who steal trains must have a loco–motive!
What happened to the man that took the 5 o’clock train home? He had to give it back!
Why are ghosts no good at running a railway? A. Because they can’t even put on a skeleton service!
I know someone who tried to runway after camouflaging a railway. He tried to cover his tracks.
I tried to tell my favourite joke about trains, but it got derailed.
Never going drinking with Train drivers again.
All they did all night was tell me to ‘chug,chug,chug,chug.’
What do you give a train driver for Christmas? Platform shoes!
Why can’t the engineer be electrocuted? Because he’s not a conductor!
How do trains eat?
They chew chew.
New electric trains will run on conductors.
What did the monster say when he saw a rush hour train full of passengers? Oh good! A chew chew train!
I've always wanted to become a podiatrist, but was made to train as a paediatrician first.
Baby steps.
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