Last Thanksgiving, I cut my hand with the carving knife so my idiot brother-in-law grabs my bloody wound and starts twisting it. I screamed, “Ouch! What are you doing!!”
He said, “I’m applying a turn-a-cut.”
A man arrived to a gun fight with nothing other than a pencil and paper.
He then proceeded to draw his weapon.
Why don't they make boats out of peppers?
Because they're always capsaicin!
Fortune-teller was killed by a car bomb
Couldn’t foresee the C4.
My writer buddy went to buy a new boat...
He named it Penman-Ship.
If Kim Jong-un had a private yacht, it would be a dictator ship
I decided to switch to a knife to preserve my ammo.
The guys at Laser Tag started freaking out though.
Why did all the passengers on the right side of the ship have dead cell phones?
They weren’t on the port side of the ship.
Those soldiers thought they could blow up that submarine with their bomb...
but they needed to sea mine.
Where does Google keep their ships?
In the Google Docs.
What do you call a skeleton with a mask and a knife? A heartless killer.
What do you do when you miss the ferry?
Call a canoe-ber.
You know what really floats my boat?
Surface tension.
What gun does a military chef use?
A salt rifle.
What caliber is Chekhov's gun?
Catch-22.
What do sailors buy to customise the back of their ships?
Aft-ermarket parts!
Have you heard about the guy who made a bomb out of a brain?
It was pretty mindblowing.
A functional gun shoots
While a broke one needs troubleshooting.
Should a gun company rename themselves "Question"?
That's a loaded Question
Why do all the boats in Scandinavia have barcodes on the sides of them?
It makes it easier to... scan da navy in.
I buy all my guns from a guy named T-Rex...
He's a small arms dealer.
Before my surgery my anaesthetist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle.
It was an ether/oar situation.
What is a popular videogame for young utensils?
Fork Knife.
Why don't boats have funerals?
They have wakes.
What did the knife say to the other knife? Knife to meet you!
Why did the man bring a gun to the clock factory?
To kill some time.
Never criticize a gun owner until you've walked a mile in his shoes
That way he'll be barefoot and you'll be out of range.
Why did Immanuel Kant lend his machine gun to forces plotting a military coup?
Because he willed that his Maxim could make a general rule.
What happened when Napoleon got killed with a bomb?
Napoleon Blownapart.
I knew a guy in jail who would never knife a man in the back or when he was down
He was the very model of shivalry.
Who has the best place on a sailing ship?
The mast, because it has the pole-position.
What do you call a big boat full of fish
A carp ark.
What did the pilot of the Enola Gay say before dropping the bomb ?
"Let me Atom."
why was the ship called 3.14
because it was full of π-rates.
What did the British man say to the man with the submachine gun he's never met?
Uzi?
What do you call a sheep with a machine gun?
Lambo.
Homeless man attacks kid with a knife
Don’t worry the kid was fine. He had a knife.
What do you call a boat full of polite football players?
A good sportsman ship.
What did the laser weapon say to the atom bomb?
"OK boomer."
I wanted to tell a knife joke to my friend
But it just won't cut it.
Did you hear about the boat dock that committed murder?
He’s going to be judged by a jury of its piers.
If you ever have to defuse a bomb, never cut...
The Blew wire.
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
What do you call a Monkey with a bomb
A baboom.
I like to tell this one joke about homemade bombs
But it always blows up in my face.
I wasn't wearing hearing protection when the atom bomb went off.
Now I am become deaf, destroyer of worlds.
What did the Bluetooth say as the ship went down?
"Help! We’re syncing!"
What is one way to save money when you go to the lake?
Buy a “sale boat.”
When the first nuclear bomb was detonated all the neutrons were sad.
Because their parents had just split.
What do you call an imaginary yacht?
A dream boat.
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