What do sailors buy to customise the back of their ships?
Aft-ermarket parts!
Octopus: [holding a gun in each hand]
Cat: You're one short buddy.
I like to tell this one joke about homemade bombs
But it always blows up in my face.
Mike Tyson bought a yacht and immediately wrecked it.
Who woulda thunk it?
What do you do when you're in a knife fight with a group of clowns?
Go for the juggler.
You’re traveling the Oregon Trail and you meet a man named Terry. You say “Terry? That’s a girls name!” He pulls out his gun and shoots you.
You have died from dissin' Terry.
Never criticize a gun owner until you've walked a mile in his shoes
That way he'll be barefoot and you'll be out of range.
I decided to switch to a knife to preserve my ammo.
The guys at Laser Tag started freaking out though.
What did the pilot of the Enola Gay say before dropping the bomb ?
"Let me Atom."
What type of knife do chefs use to connect to Bluetooth?
A pairing knife
What kind of gun would a cat have?
A Mauser.
What did the laser weapon say to the atom bomb?
"OK boomer."
A functional gun shoots
While a broke one needs troubleshooting.
What happened when Napoleon got killed with a bomb?
Napoleon Blownapart.
What do you call a seamstress that snuck aboard a ship?
A sew-away!
Why did all the passengers on the right side of the ship have dead cell phones?
They weren’t on the port side of the ship.
I wasn't wearing hearing protection when the atom bomb went off.
Now I am become deaf, destroyer of worlds.
What gun does a military chef use?
A salt rifle.
I’m sure my wife has been putting glue on my weapons collection.
She denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns.
Did you hear that famous blonde haired actress has been stabbed? She's called Reese, Erm...
Witherspoon?
No, with a knife.
What do you call a problematic person with a gun?
A troubleshooter.
I don’t believe in boats
I have yacht to see one.
What do you call a skeleton with a mask and a knife? A heartless killer.
My friend was bragging that his new 3D printer can print a gun, but I’m not impressed.
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
What do you call a sheep with a machine gun?
Lambo.
Should a gun company rename themselves "Question"?
That's a loaded Question
I knew a guy in jail who would never knife a man in the back or when he was down
He was the very model of shivalry.
If Kim Jong-un had a private yacht, it would be a dictator ship
The bartender asked the pirate, "Is that a ship's wheel sticking out of your pants?"
The pirate replied"Aye! It's driving me nuts!"
What is a popular videogame for young utensils?
Fork Knife.
What do you call a Monkey with a bomb
A baboom.
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
I took my boat out to go fishing today. I looked over and saw my neighbor’s dock was parallel to mine.
I guess I found my self in a real “para-docks”
Yesterday, a man threatened to kill himself with a knife and someone called the cops.
Today he died of his gunshot wounds.
If you ever have to defuse a bomb, never cut...
The Blew wire.
My boat is starting to sink, I'm going to sell it.
See my boat listing in the paper.
What do you call the first person to kill someone with a gun?
First person shooter
Guns don’t kill people...
Bullets, it’s bullets that kill people.
What caliber is Chekhov's gun?
Catch-22.
I was surprised when I saw a boat in the driveway so I asked my wife about it.
She said there was a great sail.
What do you do when you miss the ferry?
Call a canoe-ber.
What is Tesla's favorite gun?
A musket
Before my surgery my anaesthetist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle.
It was an ether/oar situation.
When the first nuclear bomb was detonated all the neutrons were sad.
Because their parents had just split.
Last Thanksgiving, I cut my hand with the carving knife so my idiot brother-in-law grabs my bloody wound and starts twisting it. I screamed, “Ouch! What are you doing!!”
He said, “I’m applying a turn-a-cut.”
What do you call a selfish bomb?
Mine.
A sad bullet comes home to his family.
"Honey you look terrible!" Exclaims his wife. "What happened?"
"I got fired."
What do you call a boat full of polite football players?
A good sportsman ship.
I buy all my guns from a guy named T-Rex...
He's a small arms dealer.
Fork: "Who was that ladle I saw you with last night?"
Spoon: "That was no ladle. That was my knife."
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