Ran out of toilet paper today. We’re now using lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
Heard a joke about urinals, but it didn't make me laugh.
I guess you had to pee there.
Went to the toilet earlier and took a poo...
Not sure whose it was, but it's mine now.
What makes it okay for bats to just poop wherever they want?
For a bat, every room is the batroom.
Never fart in an apple store
They don't have windows.
What do you call a sleeping paper towel?
A napkin.
Why are urinals the worst place to spend time?
Because it’s where all the di**s hang out.
Why didn’t the teacher want to fart in front of anyone?
He was a private tootor.
Why did the toilet paper role down the hill?
To get to the bottom...
A zoo employee was injured when a monkey threw flaming poo at him.
He suffered from turd debris burns.
My husband won't let the kids take toys with them when they go potty, but I do.
It is a toy-let, after all.
I saved the exact location of my toilet on my computer.
It's labelled as my 'I Pee' address.
I overheard some guys talking about wether they prefer to use urinals or toilets to do their business, then one says "I prefer to sit down".
Another friend, shocked, says "I though you were a stand-up guy?"
My kid keeps forgetting to flush the toilet after he takes a dump.
"That s**t is getting old," I told him.
If you poop in your sleep...
You have sleep crapnea.
You wanna know how I remember every poop I take?
I keep a log.
How does a napkin sneeze?
Tissue.
I always take a dump at 11:59 PM. That way, when the clock strikes midnight it’s the same sh**, different day.
Scientists have just discovered a fossilized Dinosaur fart...
They say it’s a blast from the past!
A man walks into a zoo, there was only one animal in the zoo.
It was a Shitzu.
I feel bad for toilets.
They go through a lot of s**t
My neighbour didn't like it when I told him off about hoarding toilet paper
To be honest, I think he was being very anal about it.
What do you call the second tissue paper?
Kleenext.
Dung Beetles know how to keep their sh** together.
Did you hear about the new book called "100 Miles to the Next Restroom"?
It's by Will E. Mayket and Betty Wunt.
What did pharaohs use to wipe?
Poo-pyrus.
I just installed a brand new Luxe bidet!
I’ve been having a blast.
Only a**holes use bidets.
What do you call coffee made from poo?
Crappuccino.
What did the old urinal cake say to the new one?
"Oh boy, first day? Urine for a treat."
Made a shoe out of tea bags for my wife, she said she needed to wipe her nose.
Why does it cost $1 to use the urinal at the Department of Homeland Security?
If you pee something, pay something.
This morning my daughter came to me, looking concerned. She said, “Dad, I need a new bum”.
I asked, “And why is that sweetheart?”
She said, “Because mine has a crack in it!”
I was mad on the toilet this morning since I was running late, and I thought to myself...
I don’t have time for this crap!
What do you get when you fart on your wallet?
Gas Money.
Why could the toilet paper not stop?
Because it was on a role.
Why can't you hear a psychiatrist when they go to the bathroom?
Because the P is silent.
My friend explained how powerful (yet invisible) farts work via demonstration.
I was blown away by his transparency.
What do you call it when a janitor is fired for refusing to unclog the restroom toilets?
Dereliction of doodie.
Which one of Sneezy’s kids hid his tissue paper?
Runny Knows!
Why do they put lotion in tissues?
To soften the blow.
I entered an auction on Ebay for a water butt cleaner.
But, I got out-bidet.
What happens if you miss the toilet while trying to take a pee?
Urine trouble.
Stores are running out of toilet paper again.
They’re wiped out.
The urinals were broken at my dad's work
He had to walk a long distance to go to the bathroom. When the plumber came and informed him the urinals were fixed, my dad told him "I'm relieved!"
I asked the kids to pickup the dog poo out the back
They did a crap job.
My youngest needed a diaper change, so my wife called down from upstairs, "Can you throw up some wipes?"
"I'm not sure," I replied. "I haven't eaten any."
Turns out our washing machine DOES have a “baby poop” setting.
It’s called “Heavy Doody”
If you don't use a bidet...
You're doing a half-a*sed job.
A plumber comes home very upset and yells out to his wife- "honey, you would not believe the bidet I've had."
Go to BabaMail
