A man walks into a zoo, there was only one animal in the zoo.
It was a Shitzu.
I was sick and tired of the kids leaving their business in the toilet, so I yelled at them.
They immediately flushed with embarrassment.
If you take a dump on a stump...
Does that make it a toilet tree?
I cant use the urinals when there's a person next to me, I get pee-er pressure
They don’t maintain the outhouses at our campground anymore...
They’re real sh** holes.
How do you make a tissue paper dance?
You put a little boogie in it!
Have you heard Mariah Kleenex's big holiday single?
It's called "I Don't Want a Snot for Christmas"
I overheard some guys talking about wether they prefer to use urinals or toilets to do their business, then one says "I prefer to sit down".
Another friend, shocked, says "I though you were a stand-up guy?"
How do you work out how many rolls of toilet paper are in 4 packets of 16?
Multiply.
If you poop in your sleep...
You have sleep crapnea.
Why does it cost $1 to use the urinal at the Department of Homeland Security?
If you pee something, pay something.
What do you call a cop standing on dog poo?
Officer on doody!
I saw a show where all the man did was sit on the toilet.
It was a s**tshow.
Went to the toilet earlier and took a poo...
Not sure whose it was, but it's mine now.
I will only give someone a kleenex if I've known them for a long time.
I guess you could say I have trust-tissues.
Today I learned some people have a phobia of flushing the toilet.
That must be a sh***y phobia to have.
Never fart in an apple store
They don't have windows.
Why could the toilet paper not stop?
Because it was on a role.
How does a napkin sneeze?
Tissue.
I dislike toilet paper because...
They're tearable.
Ran out of toilet paper today. We’re now using lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
My farts don’t smell, they don’t have noses.
My husband won't let the kids take toys with them when they go potty, but I do.
It is a toy-let, after all.
A police officer was fired shortly after leaving the bathroom.
He was upset about being fired, but happy to be relieved of doody.
I asked the kids to pickup the dog poo out the back
They did a crap job.
I just installed a brand new Luxe bidet!
I’ve been having a blast.
Why didn't the toilet paper finish the race?
Because it was wiped out.
What do you call a disabled paper towel?
A napkan't.
Poo jokes...
Are funny sh**.
As a plumber, I often have nightmares about the dripping faucet I can't fix and the toilet that will not flush ...
Safe to say I have pipe dreams!
My girlfriend left me while I was crying in the bathroom with constipation. She told me that I was so full of it.
It was the hardest dump I ever took.
If a clown farts...
Does it smell funny?
A man has to go, but has no toilet paper. His friend says to wipe with a dollar. He comes back all dirty, so his friend asks "What is that horrible smell?". So the man says,
"Hard to wipe with 3 quarters, 2 dimes and a nickel"
I tried to make a poo but could only squeeze out a p**.
I must be missing some bowels.
What do you call the second tissue paper?
Kleenext.
The scariest day of my life was when we ran into a bear taking a dump inside our campsite.
That sh** was in
I ran out of toilet paper last week, tried the closest thing I could find: the newspapers. Now the realisation has kicked in...
The Times are really Rough!
Once we were so poor, we only had a calendar to use as toilet paper.
Now those days are behind me.
Turns out our washing machine DOES have a “baby poop” setting.
It’s called “Heavy Doody”
I entered an auction on Ebay for a water butt cleaner.
But, I got out-bidet.
Why was the dung beetle mad at the store clerk?
Because the clerk sold him shampoo.
Made a shoe out of tea bags for my wife, she said she needed to wipe her nose.
Why was James Bond kicked out of a toilet?
Because it was not agent's toilet.
I always hate having to unblock the toilet.
I’m never quite ready to take the plunge.
What makes it okay for bats to just poop wherever they want?
For a bat, every room is the batroom.
I’ve been going through a lot of sh** lately
I hate my job as a plumber.
What type of poo smells good?
Shampoo.
Why didn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it got stuck in a crack.
Some people stand up off the toilet before they flush, but I don’t
I don’t want to see that sh**!
In a recent study, NASA scientists confirmed that Uranus smells like farts.
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