What do you call it when you need a break at work and go to the bathroom even though you don't need to go?
A sham poo.
I thought I broke my leg when I tripped over a box of Kleenex last night
But the doctor said it's only tissue damage.
Stores are running out of toilet paper again.
They’re wiped out.
I just installed a brand new Luxe bidet!
I’ve been having a blast.
My youngest needed a diaper change, so my wife called down from upstairs, "Can you throw up some wipes?"
"I'm not sure," I replied. "I haven't eaten any."
Where do cow farts come from?
The dairy air.
People who pretends to never go taking a dump are full of sh**.
Why did the painter take a dump on the floor?
It was the work of fart.
How do you work out how many rolls of toilet paper are in 4 packets of 16?
Multiply.
Toilet jokes aren’t my favorite...
But they’re a solid number 2.
What kind of degree can you get at a urinal?
A Pee h.D.
What is a dung beetle's favorite holiday song?
"All I Want for Christmas is Poo"
Turns out our washing machine DOES have a “baby poop” setting.
It’s called “Heavy Doody”
What did the flirty napking say to the dinner guests?
"Let me sit on your lap"
If you take a dump on a stump...
Does that make it a toilet tree?
Dung beetle walks into a bar....
"Is this stool taken?"
How does a napkin sneeze?
Tissue.
I made a bridge out of Kleenex.
I have truss tissues.
Why was James Bond kicked out of a toilet?
Because it was not agent's toilet.
I tried to make a poo but could only squeeze out a p**.
I must be missing some bowels.
Why didn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it got stuck in a crack.
What kind of day ends with no toilet paper?
A bidet.
The urinals were broken at my dad's work
He had to walk a long distance to go to the bathroom. When the plumber came and informed him the urinals were fixed, my dad told him "I'm relieved!"
I’ve been working on my poop art recently...
It’s pretty sh**.
I overheard some guys talking about wether they prefer to use urinals or toilets to do their business, then one says "I prefer to sit down".
Another friend, shocked, says "I though you were a stand-up guy?"
Guess what I got my toilet for its birthday?
A Urinal cake.
Why shouldn’t you fart on elevators?
It’s wrong on so many levels.
I was at the doctor, complaining about constipation. The doc seemed upset with me. He said,
"You don't give a s**t, do you?"
If you don't use a bidet...
You're doing a half-a*sed job.
If you poop in your sleep...
You have sleep crapnea.
I ran out of toilet paper last week, tried the closest thing I could find: the newspapers. Now the realisation has kicked in...
The Times are really Rough!
Some people stand up off the toilet before they flush, but I don’t
I don’t want to see that sh**!
My friend explained how powerful (yet invisible) farts work via demonstration.
I was blown away by his transparency.
My farts don’t smell, they don’t have noses.
Why didn’t the teacher want to fart in front of anyone?
He was a private tootor.
What did the toilet say to the urinal after it was hired?
“Urine!”
What kind of doctor checks ghost poo?
A ghost-roenterologist.
Why did E come out of the bathroom U?
He must've had a vowel movement.
I was mad on the toilet this morning since I was running late, and I thought to myself...
I don’t have time for this crap!
When you walk into the bathroom...
Urine there.
What do you call related toilet rolls that sleep together?
Napkins.
The scariest day of my life was when we ran into a bear taking a dump inside our campsite.
That sh** was in
Toilet paper plays an important roll in my life, it would be pretty sh**ty without it.
What do you call the second tissue paper?
Kleenext.
I always hate having to unblock the toilet.
I’m never quite ready to take the plunge.
Why did the soldier flush the toilet?
Because it was his doody.
Why do toilet paper rolls have trust issues?
They're always getting ripped off.
Made a shoe out of tea bags for my wife, she said she needed to wipe her nose.
A zoo employee was injured when a monkey threw flaming poo at him.
He suffered from turd debris burns.
It wasn’t my idea to get bidet...
But now I kinda like the little squirt.
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