When a guy sees another guy at a urinal and makes sure to go two spots away, it's called "social pisstancing".
Cut a piece of poo into three pieces today.
Now I have turds.
What type of poo smells good?
Shampoo.
I feel bad for toilets.
They go through a lot of s**t
What did pharaohs use to wipe?
Poo-pyrus.
What makes it okay for bats to just poop wherever they want?
For a bat, every room is the batroom.
Made a shoe out of tea bags for my wife, she said she needed to wipe her nose.
what's the best day of the week to poop?
saTURDay.
I like telling fart jokes.
They are tough to hold in.
Why did the toilet paper role down the hill?
To get to the bottom...
What condiment needs to go to the restroom the most?
Must-turd.
How does a napkin sneeze?
Tissue.
Why didn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it got stuck in a crack.
Two flies were sitting on a urinal. Everything was going well between them, until one got pissed.
If a clown farts...
Does it smell funny?
Why shouldn’t you fart on elevators?
It’s wrong on so many levels.
You wanna know how I remember every poop I take?
I keep a log.
The scariest day of my life was when we ran into a bear taking a dump inside our campsite.
That sh** was in
Why did the painter take a dump on the floor?
It was the work of fart.
If you’re Russian to the bathroom, Finnish when you leave, what are you while you are in?
European.
Where do cow farts come from?
The dairy air.
Ran out of toilet paper today. We’re now using lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
Heard a joke about urinals, but it didn't make me laugh.
I guess you had to pee there.
Once we were so poor, we only had a calendar to use as toilet paper.
Now those days are behind me.
Never fart in an apple store
They don't have windows.
I found a side job collecting dog poo from people's yards.
It's not much, but business is picking up.
Why was the dung beetle mad at the store clerk?
Because the clerk sold him shampoo.
It wasn’t my idea to get bidet...
But now I kinda like the little squirt.
Campground bathrooms are always behind the times.
They're all past tents.
My family and I like to sleep during the day.
They are my napkin.
What kind of degree can you get at a urinal?
A Pee h.D.
I had to wait in line for 20 minutes just to buy some really cheap toilet paper!
It was a pain in the a**
Which letters stand in line to the public restroom?
What do you call a bathroom line?
A P,Q.
What do you call a turd made by the captain of a vessel?
The Captain's Log
This morning my daughter came to me, looking concerned. She said, “Dad, I need a new bum”.
I asked, “And why is that sweetheart?”
She said, “Because mine has a crack in it!”
My youngest needed a diaper change, so my wife called down from upstairs, "Can you throw up some wipes?"
"I'm not sure," I replied. "I haven't eaten any."
I entered an auction on Ebay for a water butt cleaner.
But, I got out-bidet.
I saw a sign above the urinal that read: "This is a urinal."
"No Sh**".
I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today.
It was clogged.
What do you call a disabled paper towel?
A napkan't.
Why does no one react when the Queen farts?
Because it’s a Noble Gas!
Why was James Bond kicked out of a toilet?
Because it was not agent's toilet.
Toilet jokes aren’t my favorite...
But they’re a solid number 2.
I designed a new toilet but cannot find anyone to test it out.
No one gives a crap.
I ran out of toilet paper last week, tried the closest thing I could find: the newspapers. Now the realisation has kicked in...
The Times are really Rough!
I’ve got a urinal that just won’t get serious...
It’s always taking the piss.
I've stopped paying $6 for sham poo
After all, I make my own DIY genuine poo every morning.
The urinals were broken at my dad's work
He had to walk a long distance to go to the bathroom. When the plumber came and informed him the urinals were fixed, my dad told him "I'm relieved!"
I was sick and tired of the kids leaving their business in the toilet, so I yelled at them.
They immediately flushed with embarrassment.
Why did the soldier flush the toilet?
Because it was his doody.
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