I thought I broke my leg when I tripped over a box of Kleenex last night
But the doctor said it's only tissue damage.
Why do they put lotion in tissues?
To soften the blow.
Toilet paper plays an important roll in my life, it would be pretty sh**ty without it.
I ran out of toilet paper last week, tried the closest thing I could find: the newspapers. Now the realisation has kicked in...
The Times are really Rough!
Ran out of toilet paper today. We’re now using lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
My youngest needed a diaper change, so my wife called down from upstairs, "Can you throw up some wipes?"
"I'm not sure," I replied. "I haven't eaten any."
How do you make a tissue paper dance?
You put a little boogie in it!
My family and I like to sleep during the day.
They are my napkin.
My neighbour didn't like it when I told him off about hoarding toilet paper
To be honest, I think he was being very anal about it.
Which one of Sneezy’s kids hid his tissue paper?
Runny Knows!
Have you heard Mariah Kleenex's big holiday single?
It's called "I Don't Want a Snot for Christmas"
What do you call a sleeping paper towel?
A napkin.
How do you work out how many rolls of toilet paper are in 4 packets of 16?
Multiply.
I used my credit card to buy 1-ply toilet paper.
And now I'm paying for it.
Having to wipe with a hemorrhoid is a pain in the a**.
What did the flirty napking say to the dinner guests?
"Let me sit on your lap"
What do you call a disabled paper towel?
A napkan't.
I will only give someone a kleenex if I've known them for a long time.
I guess you could say I have trust-tissues.
Why didn't the toilet paper finish the race?
Because it was wiped out.
Made a shoe out of tea bags for my wife, she said she needed to wipe her nose.
I had to wait in line for 20 minutes just to buy some really cheap toilet paper!
It was a pain in the a**
How does a napkin sneeze?
Tissue.
This flu season, doctors are recommending you wipe your throat down with tissues.
Apparently they're synonymous with clean necks.
What do you call related toilet rolls that sleep together?
Napkins.
Once we were so poor, we only had a calendar to use as toilet paper.
Now those days are behind me.
A man has to go, but has no toilet paper. His friend says to wipe with a dollar. He comes back all dirty, so his friend asks "What is that horrible smell?". So the man says,
"Hard to wipe with 3 quarters, 2 dimes and a nickel"
Why didn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it got stuck in a crack.
"Have you seen our toilet roll?" asked my wife.
"Don't be silly," I replied.
"A toilet is a stationary object."
I made a bridge out of Kleenex.
I have truss tissues.
Why do toilet paper rolls have trust issues?
They're always getting ripped off.
I dislike toilet paper because...
They're tearable.
What do you call the second tissue paper?
Kleenext.
Why did the toilet paper role down the hill?
To get to the bottom...
Why could the toilet paper not stop?
Because it was on a role.
What did pharaohs use to wipe?
Poo-pyrus.
"Which hand do you wipe with?"
""I don't use my hands, I use toilet paper."
Stores are running out of toilet paper again.
They’re wiped out.
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