What did pharaohs use to wipe?
Poo-pyrus.
My neighbour didn't like it when I told him off about hoarding toilet paper
To be honest, I think he was being very anal about it.
I had to wait in line for 20 minutes just to buy some really cheap toilet paper!
It was a pain in the a**
Why didn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it got stuck in a crack.
I ran out of toilet paper last week, tried the closest thing I could find: the newspapers. Now the realisation has kicked in...
The Times are really Rough!
How does a napkin sneeze?
Tissue.
Why do they put lotion in tissues?
To soften the blow.
Why did the toilet paper role down the hill?
To get to the bottom...
What do you call related toilet rolls that sleep together?
Napkins.
This flu season, doctors are recommending you wipe your throat down with tissues.
Apparently they're synonymous with clean necks.
What do you call a disabled paper towel?
A napkan't.
I used my credit card to buy 1-ply toilet paper.
And now I'm paying for it.
Toilet paper plays an important roll in my life, it would be pretty sh**ty without it.
Ran out of toilet paper today. We’re now using lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
I dislike toilet paper because...
They're tearable.
Why could the toilet paper not stop?
Because it was on a role.
Which one of Sneezy’s kids hid his tissue paper?
Runny Knows!
"Which hand do you wipe with?"
""I don't use my hands, I use toilet paper."
Why do toilet paper rolls have trust issues?
They're always getting ripped off.
A man has to go, but has no toilet paper. His friend says to wipe with a dollar. He comes back all dirty, so his friend asks "What is that horrible smell?". So the man says,
"Hard to wipe with 3 quarters, 2 dimes and a nickel"
Made a shoe out of tea bags for my wife, she said she needed to wipe her nose.
Having to wipe with a hemorrhoid is a pain in the a**.
Have you heard Mariah Kleenex's big holiday single?
It's called "I Don't Want a Snot for Christmas"
Once we were so poor, we only had a calendar to use as toilet paper.
Now those days are behind me.
I will only give someone a kleenex if I've known them for a long time.
I guess you could say I have trust-tissues.
How do you make a tissue paper dance?
You put a little boogie in it!
How do you work out how many rolls of toilet paper are in 4 packets of 16?
Multiply.
I made a bridge out of Kleenex.
I have truss tissues.
Why didn't the toilet paper finish the race?
Because it was wiped out.
My youngest needed a diaper change, so my wife called down from upstairs, "Can you throw up some wipes?"
"I'm not sure," I replied. "I haven't eaten any."
What do you call the second tissue paper?
Kleenext.
What do you call a sleeping paper towel?
A napkin.
My family and I like to sleep during the day.
They are my napkin.
"Have you seen our toilet roll?" asked my wife.
"Don't be silly," I replied.
"A toilet is a stationary object."
What did the flirty napking say to the dinner guests?
"Let me sit on your lap"
Stores are running out of toilet paper again.
They’re wiped out.
I thought I broke my leg when I tripped over a box of Kleenex last night
But the doctor said it's only tissue damage.
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