I was at a party last night, waiting my turn to get to the punch bowl.
Everyone was being very polite, patient and not barging in. I thought to myself, "At last...
a decent punchline"
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer and the sizzlin' steak platter.
"Here's your steak," the bartender says. "Be careful, that plate is really hot."
"Oh, no worries," the guy replies. "I'm not really attracted to plates."
What do you call a stolen jar?
A free mason.
You could say I have an hour glass figure
It takes me an hour to figure out where my glasses are!
So my daughter is calling me all excited. I come by her room to her holding her cup above her head and says "Dad look..."
"I'm breathing underwater."
How do cups get their money?
They mug people.
What the Poland man did, after adding German mugs to his collection?
He polished them.
I thought I checkmated my dad with my new glass set in chess...
But he saw right through it
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
What is the dish that likes using the light switch?
StrogONOFF
What do you call a glass dinosaur?
Pyrex.
My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl...
I said I didn't even know he could play.
I was on a flight and I asked for a glass of water. The cabin crew asked “still?” I said “well, I haven’t changed my mind”.
Turned down an opportunity to invest in a company making frosted glass balls. Couldn’t see any future in it.
I met a man with a glass eye this morning...
He didn’t tell me, it just came out in the conversation
Did you hear about the nun who got into trouble for drinking communion wine from her convent's medieval goblet?
No, but it serves her rite.
I was served by a former police officer at my local Applebee’s, I asked for a cup of water and he gave me a cup of ice instead and said
“Just-ice has been served”
Why was the jar about to explode?
Cause it was jam-packed!
What happens when you drink beer from a cup?
You both get drunk.
My kid was having trouble with the peanut butter because the jar was too deep and the knife was too short
I tried to help, but I couldn’t get to the bottom of it
What do you call a cat sitting on a platter?
A Platterpuss.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
How do you make garlic toast? Lift your glass and talk about the wonderful things it has done.
Why did the pony ask for a glass of water?
Because he felt like he was a little horse.
What happened to your arm, Greg? And why are you eating that giant bowl of herbs?
"You know what they say, Margaret"
"Thyme heals all wounds".
Why did the police arrest a cup of snow?
For just-ice
I was looking forward to eat my rice bowl.
But my brother, like always, ate them. And now he's experiencing really bad headaches.
I guess it's because he has a history of having my-grains.
My son took his jar collection way too far
When I came home from work I thought the house was robbed because the door was ajar.
My dad kept calling referring to this mason jar as his “boom box”.
When I asked him why, he responded “I use it for all my jams!”
Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist. While you were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.
The Opportunist.
I gave my dad a mug for his birthday
It said "World's greatest dad". When I gave it to him he looked kind of insulted. Is something wrong with it I asked? He replied, "You spelled 'dad' backwards"
Why did i murder the woman who served me a glass of wine?
Because i wanted tequila.
My father quietly retired from his job as an eye glass manufacturer yesterday.
He didn’t want to make a spectacle.
I put my root beer in a square glass
Now I just have beer
Why was the door glass?
Because the door was ajar
A baker fell down the stairs with a platter full of cookies.
As they say, that's the way the cookies crumbled.
They’ve started a collection to open a pool near me. I gave them a glass of water.
Minding my own business, when someone I thought was my friend threw a serving plate full of bumblebees at me.
I was bee-trayed.
What side of the mug is the handle on?
The outside.
It’s amazing how most jars look alike...
The resemblance is uncanny
Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of muesli?
He was dragged down by a currant..
Will glass coffins ever become popular?
This remains to be seen.
What do you call it when you have to quickly eat a beef dish wrapped in pastry crust?
A brief Wellington
What did the plate say to the refrigerator?
"Stay cool. Dinner's on me"
What do you call a decent cup of coffee?
Just an average joe.
What do you call a cap to a jar that doesn't fit?
An invalid.
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It is an extremely rare dish order.
Why did Don Corleone send back the plate for his coffee cup?
Someone gave him a saucer he could not reuse.
Two flies are playing football on a saucer.
They’re practicing for the cup.
My son told me he can drink a whole glass a whiskey straight.
Personally, I think it's neat.
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