What do you call a real estate agent who secretly moonlights as a detective?
Sherlock Homes.
What are the three things most important to bats about their local real estate?
Echolocation. Echolocation. Echolocation.
How did the realtor compliment his wife?
He said, “Real estate values will go up and down, but you will remain beautiful forever.”
What did the realtor reply when I asked if he liked reading real estate magazines?
"Yes, I love reading them but only periodically".
My brother is a real estate agent. He greets me with, "Hey bro, house it going?"
I once decided to buy a baseball stadium. But my agent said he could only give me a ballpark estimate!
Why do realtors not buy houses near stables?
Because they will always be worried about their next-door neigh-bors!
Why do people take an instant dislike to real estate agents?
To save time.
What is the lightest house a real estate seller sells?
A lighthouse, of course!
What did the happy realtor say to his client after making the deal?
He said, "Well, all's well that dwells well."
My real estate agent lied. He said my house had a 1,000 carpet area, but I could barely fit in 4 cars and 4 dogs in there...
What did the manager say to the realtor who kept forgetting to sign the agreement?
He said, "Just do the deed."
Why is it a bad idea to pick a fight with a real estate agent?
They can flip houses whenever they want!
What did the realtor say to his wife?
"Speaking with you felt like buying a house for the first time - thrilling and nervous."
Do truckers prefer houses with long-haul ways?
A realtor is passing out information for a house as potential buyers are walking in at an open house. A guy says, “Hey, can I see one of those pamphlets?”
The realtor replies, “Brochure.”
Why is it so tough to become a real estate attorney?
You always have to deal with battles of wills.
What did the real estate agent do when her buyer was on a budget?
She asked the listing agent what would be the condominimum offer the owner would take.
Why was the realtor in counseling?
He couldn’t get closure.
What does a house wear?
Address.
How can you tell if a real estate agent is British?
They’re all about proper tea.
The last buyer I worked with wasn’t that bright.
When I handed him an exclusive buyer agreement that said “sign here” at the bottom, instead of signing his name, he just wrote “Capricorn.”
What is the only similarity between a UFO and an affordable agent?
You usually hear about both but can never ever see one!
The French real estate agent was very upset when their new listing was destroyed.
He said it was chateau-strophic!
Why will you never see a realtor reading books?
Because books only have page numbers!
Why did the realtor buy his home right beside a porta-potty?
Because it was a leakfront property!
I tried bidding on a shopping center in a real estate auction, but someone outbid me at the last minute. I guess the old saying is true…
You can’t win a mall.
Never bet on real estate. The house always wins.
How do you make a million dollars in real estate?
You start out with two million.
What do real estate agents have to be thankful for this year?
Lots.
My wife and I went to see a realtor.
“Have you guys considered moving houses?” he asked.
I said, “No, we don’t like caravans.”
When it comes to board games about buying real estate, Hasbro has a monopoly…
What happens when you marry the best real estate agent in town?
He sells you the engagement ring.
Why was a realtor amused by solving a house jigsaw puzzle in just five weeks?
The box read for 10-14 years!
Two banks with different rates have a conflict of interest.
What’s the worst thing about broken elevator puns? They’re not very uplifting.
What did the real estate agent say to the lady at the bar?
"Ma'am, is your name FHA loan? Because you have most certainly caught my interest."
I have no problem with listings with finished basements.
They’re my best cellars!
What’s that feeling you get every month when the mortgage is due?
Homesick.
I got worried about climate change when realtors in Iowa started advertising their listings as “potential waterfront property.”
How many realtors are needed to change a bulb?
Five. One to change, and four others to say they would have done it for a lower price.
Why did the realtor open a bakery shop?
Because he was dealing in dough!
Did you hear the joke about the roof? I doubt you’d get it. It’s over your head.
My realtor sold me a two-story house.
One story before the offer, another story after the offer.
What’s a real estate agent’s favorite song?
“For Lease Navidad.”
My realtor promised to give me a free abacus if he could close the deal.
I’m unsure whether to count on it or not.
Why do realtors love skateboards?
Because they can flip them whenever they want!
Why would a real estate business never close down?
Since it’ll never be out of commission.
Why did an agent decide to hide his realtor license?
Because he wanted to be a secret agent.
What type of real estate transactions do dwarves prefer?
Short sales.
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