The real estate in my neighborhood has become so expensive that only cats can afford it.
You need nine lives to pay it off.
What did the realtor say to his wife?
"Speaking with you felt like buying a house for the first time - thrilling and nervous."
Why would a real estate business never close down?
Since it’ll never be out of commission.
My realtor promised to give me a free abacus if he could close the deal.
I’m unsure whether to count on it or not.
What did the real estate agent say to the lady at the bar?
"Ma'am, is your name FHA loan? Because you have most certainly caught my interest."
I tried bidding on a shopping center in a real estate auction, but someone outbid me at the last minute. I guess the old saying is true…
You can’t win a mall.
My real estate agent lied. He said my house had a 1,000 carpet area, but I could barely fit in 4 cars and 4 dogs in there...
Why is it a bad idea to pick a fight with a real estate agent?
They can flip houses whenever they want!
The last buyer I worked with wasn’t that bright.
When I handed him an exclusive buyer agreement that said “sign here” at the bottom, instead of signing his name, he just wrote “Capricorn.”
What’s a real estate agent’s favorite song?
“For Lease Navidad.”
What type of real estate transactions do dwarves prefer?
Short sales.
I have no problem with listings with finished basements.
They’re my best cellars!
Why was the realtor in counseling?
He couldn’t get closure.
What are sophisticated realtors known for?
Constantly telling you all about proper tea.
Why do people take an instant dislike to real estate agents?
To save time.
What do real estate agents have to be thankful for this year?
Lots.
I got worried about climate change when realtors in Iowa started advertising their listings as “potential waterfront property.”
Why did the mortgage broker always eat lunch by himself?
He was a loaner.
A realtor is passing out information for a house as potential buyers are walking in at an open house. A guy says, “Hey, can I see one of those pamphlets?”
The realtor replies, “Brochure.”
What did the manager say to the realtor who kept forgetting to sign the agreement?
He said, "Just do the deed."
The French real estate agent was very upset when their new listing was destroyed.
He said it was chateau-strophic!
What happens when you marry the best real estate agent in town?
He sells you the engagement ring.
How did the real estate agent handle the rude client?
She showed her some manors.
Two banks with different rates have a conflict of interest.
Why didn’t the hipster real estate agent show the ocean-side mansion?
It was too current.
How many realtors are needed to change a bulb?
Five. One to change, and four others to say they would have done it for a lower price.
Why was a realtor amused by solving a house jigsaw puzzle in just five weeks?
The box read for 10-14 years!
What’s the worst thing about broken elevator puns? They’re not very uplifting.
Why did the house make an appointment with the doctor?
It had a window-pane.
How many insects do you need to make money from your rental property?
Ten-ants.
My wife and I went to see a realtor.
“Have you guys considered moving houses?” he asked.
I said, “No, we don’t like caravans.”
What is the lightest house a real estate seller sells?
A lighthouse, of course!
How do you make a million dollars in real estate?
You start out with two million.
What’s that feeling you get every month when the mortgage is due?
Homesick.
Why is it so tough to become a real estate attorney?
You always have to deal with battles of wills.
Do truckers prefer houses with long-haul ways?
How does a dual agent sleep?
Well, first he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
Why will you never see a realtor reading books?
Because books only have page numbers!
Did you hear about the final remaining unit in the apartment building?
It was last but not leased.
What does a house wear?
Address.
My brother is a real estate agent. He greets me with, "Hey bro, house it going?"
Never bet on real estate. The house always wins.
We’re having a really difficult time selling our house. We blame it on the neighbors.
They always have the lawn sprinkler on… It’s a source of constant irrigation.
What did the realtor reply when I asked if he liked reading real estate magazines?
"Yes, I love reading them but only periodically".
What did the happy realtor say to his client after making the deal?
He said, "Well, all's well that dwells well."
A brand new real estate agent walks into a Realtor’s office for their interview. “It says here you quit your last job selling duct tape after only three months,” the Realtor asked. “Why did you quit?” “I just couldn’t stick with it,” they responded.
How can you tell if a real estate agent is British?
They’re all about proper tea.
What is the only similarity between a UFO and an affordable agent?
You usually hear about both but can never ever see one!
What did the real estate agent do when her buyer was on a budget?
She asked the listing agent what would be the condominimum offer the owner would take.
Why did the realtor buy his home right beside a porta-potty?
Because it was a leakfront property!
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