I had a job repairing 17th century violins...
I only fixed instruments that were BAROQUE.
Did you hear about the crook who was stealing guitars from classic rock stars?
He was just arrested for Petty theft.
What musical group do men join once they get married?
The Hus Band!
What did the trumpet pharaoh do when his girlfriend told him to pull out?
Toot and come in.
I heard Placebo on the radio. I actually thought it was The Cure.
Why aren't high school twins afraid of getting mono?
Because they get stereo instead!
Which music group really embodied the fake it until you make it mantra?
The Pretenders.
A bloke came up to me and said im going to attack you with the neck of my guitar.
I said to him, "is that a Fret"?
Don't you dare hit that drum again!
If you do, there will be repercussions!
Why did the guitarist get fired as a carpenter?
He was shredding the floor.
What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.
People don't believe me when I tell them I'm the lead singer in a Black Eyed Peas tribute band....
Well I am.
Whats the difference between and orchestra and a bull? On the bull the horns are in the front and the a***ole is in the back.
Did you hear about the conductor who was arrested for inciting violins?
They strung him up, but he didn't fret.
Why did the jazz musician refuse to be quarantined?
Cause he was an outdoor cat.
What do you call a group of killer whales carrying musical instruments.
An orca-stra.
What do you call a owl dance party that only plays folk music?
A hootenanny.
What does Eric Clapton and a cup of coffee have in common? They both suck without Cream.
What do you do to a female news anchor who breaks a leg?
You put her in a broadcast.
How many indie musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
It’s an obscure number, you probably haven’t heard it.
When I play my violin it always sounds like it's crying
It's must be too highly strung
How do you make a bandstand?
Take away their chairs.
Why can't guitars have fun with friends with benefits?
Because without strings attached they just can't play...
Which composer likes tea the most?
Chai-kovsky.
Hear about the saxophone player who switched from a tenor to a soprano saxophone in the middle of the concert?
The press made quite a big deal out of his sax change.
Which band were way ahead of their time in the stage lighting department?
LED Zeppelin.
If you suck playing the trumpet, that's probably why.
I've been diagnosed with a type of amnesia that makes me deny the existence of certain 80's bands.
There is no cure.
My son told me, “The car manual says that I shouldn’t turn up the stereo to full volume.”
I said, “That’s sound advice.”
There are so many jokes about classical composers I could write you a Liszt.
What does a trumpet and a baseball have in common? People cheer when you hit them with a bat.
Which genre of music appeals to most cheeses? R'n'Brie
What do you call someone that plays Tenor and Alto saxophone?
Bisaxual.
I've started a new band called "Blanket'
We're a cover band
What concert costs 45 cents?
50 Cent featuring Nickelback.
A drummer got a tattoo of a drum kit on himself
It was very cymbalic.
What do you call a group of orcas that play music?
An iPod.
Bad saxophone players should be put on some kind of public list.
I want to know if I'm living next to a registered sax offender.
How are trumpets like pirates?
They both murder in the high C’s.
What do you call a gingerbread man with one leg bitten off?
Limp Bizkit.
What was the pianist doing at the mall?
Chopin.
Someone once asked if I ever played the violin
I told him that I had fiddled with it.
What did the fans say to the band named after a famous chickpea spread?
Hummus a tune.
Did you hear about the new Smashing Pumpkins cover band?
They call themselves Squished Squash!
What was stolen from the music store? The lute.
What do you call a low-quality Russian composer, pianist, and conductor of the late Romantic period?
Knockmaninoff.
My band only plays dog whistles.
You've probably never heard us.
What's brown, lumpy, and sits on a piano bench?
Beethoven's Last Movement
The best gift I ever got was a broken drum...
You can't beat it.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two...
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