There's a German butcher around the corner from the hospital.
Just in case someone takes a turn for a wurst.
I dated a doctor once. Big mistake.
She was a Psycho.
Earlier, I tried to sneak into the Star Trek convention disguised as the starship's doctor.
Security soon discoverd, however, I wasn't the real McCoy.
A guy walks into the doctors office complaining of rectal pain, upon examination, the doctor exclaims "Buddy, theres a piece of lettuce coming out of your butt!"
The guy looks to the doctor and says "thats only the tip of the iceburg!"
“I tried to look up impotence on the Internet, but nothing came up.”
Who's the nicest guy at the hospital?
The ultrasound guy
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Tell him I can't see him right now."
“I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.”
Me: I have an appointment to see the doctor.
Nurse: which doctor?
Me: No, just the regular one
What is a nurse’s favorite element?
Healium.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
She got a divorce the next day.
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital.
He was on a fairway to heaven.
Wife is about to give birth.
Nurse: "I'm gonna deliver the Baby."
Dad: " Actually, we'd like him to keep his Liver"
Why did the Meteorologist go to hospital?
He was feeling under the weather.
Nurse: Are you allergic to anything?
Man: Burnt bread.
Nurse: You're allergic to burnt bread?!?
Man: Yes, I’m black toast intolerant.
Maternity ward nurse asked my wife if she needed to go to the bathroom.
She says, "yeah, I could stand to pee."
I said, "No, you should probably still sit so it doesn't get everywhere."
“There was a sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center that said ‘Keep off the Grass.'”
What did the Power Ranger say after being sent to the hospital?
It's morphine time.
A patient came to the ER with a rash. I told her it was an allergic reaction and that I'd prescribe her steroid cream. She asked me if she'd be discharged soon.
She was really itching to get out of here.
What kind of doctor is always available?
An on-call-ogist.
Doctor, Doctor! I'm terrified of words that are also letters!
Oh you are? I see. Why?
What do you call Vietnamese animal doctors?
Vietnam Vets.
As a nurse, I have a patient who is very rude...
He's ill-mannered.
“While I was in the doctor’s waiting room, there was this tiny man, only about six inches tall. Although he was there before me, he let me see the doctor first. I suppose he just had to be a little patient.”
Ya know, I was supposed to be a doctor.
But I just didn’t have the patience.
Why was the doctor doing diarrhia research scared?
He had seen some sh*t go down.
The other day I was lifting weights on the bench press, when I dropped the weight and it fell on my chest. The nurse said I broke three ribs but I would live. Hearing that really lifted a weight off my chest.
I ride share to work regularly, but if I'm in the backseat when we go through a tunnel I have a massive anxiety attack.
My doctor diagnosed me with Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.
Do you know where in a hospital the invisible man can't hide?
The ICU.
Doctor, I keep peeing my pants! What can I do?
Urologist: “It’s mind over matter, urine control.”
I rushed to my local hospital only to find that it had been converted into a library
Talk about having to suffer in silence
Patient: ‘Doctor, I’ve swallowed a spoon.’
Doctor: ‘Sit down and don’t stir.’
2 years ago, the doctor told me I was losing my hearing.
Haven't heard from him since then.
My friend went on a date with a Cardio Nurse
His heart was racing the whole time.
During labor, the nurse came up to my wife and said, “How about epidural anesthesia?”
I said, “Thanks, but we already picked a name.”
Doctor: Are you aware of your sodium intake?
Me: Na.
The doctor told me I shouldn’t eat alphabet soup.
I suffer from irritable vowel syndrome.
My friend gave birth in the car on the way to the hospital
Her husband named the kid Carson.
Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered.
What do doctors use to diagnose chickens?
Eggsray.
People often stare at my back-alley cosmetic surgery to remove half of my brain...
I have half a mind to tell them where to go.
What's the name of a nurse who inserts plastic tubes into people?
Catherine.
What did the doctor say to the nurse that was attractive to the patient with the staph infection?
"Why are you so abscess-ed with him?"
A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it:
Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Guy: "Whats the bad news?"
Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."
Guy: OMG, and the good news?
Doc: You now have a tic tac toe.
Why did the wizard rush to the hospital?
He had a staff infection.
What do you call a doctor who became a delivery driver?
MedEx
Nurse: Wow, that cut looks pretty bad...want me to stitch it up for you?
Me: No, thanks.
Nurse: Fine. Suture self.
Doctor 1: what’s his body temperature?
Doctor 2: it’s 90 degrees.
Doctor 1: What?! That’s can’t be right!
Doctor 2: No, it is.
"And this is the amputation wing of the hospital. It used to be a lot bigger."
Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains
Doctor: Pull yourself together
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