Why was the doctor doing diarrhia research scared?
He had seen some sh*t go down.
“I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.”
What is a nurse’s favorite element?
Healium.
Why did the Meteorologist go to hospital?
He was feeling under the weather.
My doctor didn’t show up to the appointment about my hairline.
He said it got pushed back
2 years ago, the doctor told me I was losing my hearing.
Haven't heard from him since then.
What do you call a doctor who became a delivery driver?
MedEx
What do you call an alligators nurse?
Gator-aid.
Do you know where in a hospital the invisible man can't hide?
The ICU.
What's the name of a nurse who inserts plastic tubes into people?
Catherine.
Me: I’d like to book an appointment at the hospital please Receptionist: how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: no I don’t need that many, only one thanks.
“Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.”
What do doctors use to diagnose chickens?
Eggsray.
My doctor told me that his job is easy because he can heal all of his patients with trigonometry.
He has a sinecure.
“He was wheeled into the operating room, and then had a change of heart.”
As my wife was giving birth, all the doctors and nurses started yelling, “Push! Push!”
I was convinced it was a Pull door.
Patient: ‘Doctor, I’ve swallowed a spoon.’
Doctor: ‘Sit down and don’t stir.’
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
She got a divorce the next day.
I went to see my Doctor this morning and told him "The tablets you gave me to stop me shrinking aren't working".
He said, “You'll just have to be a little patient then”.
Man: "I’ve had really bad gas lately." Doctor: D"on’t worry, it will pass."
Wife is about to give birth.
Nurse: "I'm gonna deliver the Baby."
Dad: " Actually, we'd like him to keep his Liver"
"Doctor Doctor I feel like a supermarket"
How long have you been feeling like this?
"Since I was Lidl."
A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it:
Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Guy: "Whats the bad news?"
Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."
Guy: OMG, and the good news?
Doc: You now have a tic tac toe.
Dogs can't operate an MRI machine, but Catscan.
Doctor: Your brain seems to have deleted all info about 80s music!
Man: Yikes! What’s The Cure?
Doctor: Darn, it’s worse than I thought.
Why do travel nurses and boxers get along?
They know how to stick and move.
Once there was a doctor who got shot. He adamantly wanted to perform surgery on himself, despite all of the other surgeons saying that he shouldn't.
But he was so insistent that they finally said "Fine, suture self."
*nurse flips on a light switch*
“The Doctor will see you now.”
Why don't mining towns have hospitals?
Because everyone there only ever suffers from minor injuries.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
What do you call Vietnamese animal doctors?
Vietnam Vets.
I applied to be a sperm donor recently and the nurse asked me if I could masturbate in the cup.
I told her I’ve done it a few times before but I don’t know if I’m ready to compete in a tournament.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
Nurse: Wow, that cut looks pretty bad...want me to stitch it up for you?
Me: No, thanks.
Nurse: Fine. Suture self.
What did the police arrest the hospital patient for?
He was under cardiac arrest.
Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards"
Me: "And?"
I ride share to work regularly, but if I'm in the backseat when we go through a tunnel I have a massive anxiety attack.
My doctor diagnosed me with Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.
How do nurses and doctors keep people from lying about their medical history?
They use the de-FIB-rillator.
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?
Nurse: No change yet.
Why did the bunny go to the hospital?
Because he needed a hopperation.
Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway.
The other day I was lifting weights on the bench press, when I dropped the weight and it fell on my chest. The nurse said I broke three ribs but I would live. Hearing that really lifted a weight off my chest.
Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
because it felt crumby.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor.
Got my nurse going into surgery today
She put the IV in my right hand, so I started texting from my left.
She said, "Wow! How can you do that?"
I responded: "I'm ambi-textrous."
What did the nurse at the blood bank say to the nervous patient?
B positive
Nurse: You can come by at 6 today. Very little patients today.
Man: What happened to the normal sized patients?
When I woke up from my accident, I was shocked when the doctors told me I broke all my fingers.
It was hard to grasp.
What is a doctor's favorite element?
Healium.
My first date with an Emergency department nurse was a casual tea.
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