Did you hear about the boy that went missing in the hospital?
Turns out he was just playing peek-a-boo ICU
A patient came to the ER with a rash. I told her it was an allergic reaction and that I'd prescribe her steroid cream. She asked me if she'd be discharged soon.
She was really itching to get out of here.
There’s a new drama featuring herbivore doctors.
It’s called Graze Anatomy.
Maternity ward nurse asked my wife if she needed to go to the bathroom.
She says, "yeah, I could stand to pee."
I said, "No, you should probably still sit so it doesn't get everywhere."
“I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.”
Who's the nicest guy at the hospital?
The ultrasound guy
Why did the wizard rush to the hospital?
He had a staff infection.
Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains
Doctor: Pull yourself together
Why don't mining towns have hospitals?
Because everyone there only ever suffers from minor injuries.
What did the doctor say to the nurse that was attractive to the patient with the staph infection?
"Why are you so abscess-ed with him?"
Her name is Carly and she's a doctor
maybe I should C A Rly good doctor.
A guy walks into the doctors office complaining of rectal pain, upon examination, the doctor exclaims "Buddy, theres a piece of lettuce coming out of your butt!"
The guy looks to the doctor and says "thats only the tip of the iceburg!"
I rushed to my local hospital only to find that it had been converted into a library
Talk about having to suffer in silence
"Doctor Doctor I feel like a supermarket"
How long have you been feeling like this?
"Since I was Lidl."
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
She got a divorce the next day.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
Doctor: Are you aware of your sodium intake?
Me: Na.
Doctor 1: what’s his body temperature?
Doctor 2: it’s 90 degrees.
Doctor 1: What?! That’s can’t be right!
Doctor 2: No, it is.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor!
Who is the second coolest man in hospital?
The hip replacement guy!
Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
because it felt crumby.
Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk past the pill cupboard quietly?
So she wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills.
People often stare at my back-alley cosmetic surgery to remove half of my brain...
I have half a mind to tell them where to go.
How do nurses and doctors keep people from lying about their medical history?
They use the de-FIB-rillator.
Me: I have an appointment to see the doctor.
Nurse: which doctor?
Me: No, just the regular one
Why did the banana go to the doctor?
It wasn’t PEELING well.
The Doctor could tell right away the bucket was sick.
It was looking a bit pale.
“Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.”
If anyone has any advice for cosmetic surgery that’s gone terribly wrong...
My wife is all ears.
What do you call a doctor who became a delivery driver?
MedEx
What kind of Nurse can cast spells?
A Curse Practitioner.
Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards"
Me: "And?"
The nurse in the hospital gave me an entire crate of the wrong medicine AND it was outdated! I almost died!
I got a bad case of poison I.V.
During labor, the nurse came up to my wife and said, “How about epidural anesthesia?”
I said, “Thanks, but we already picked a name.”
What do you call Vietnamese animal doctors?
Vietnam Vets.
When I woke up from my accident, I was shocked when the doctors told me I broke all my fingers.
It was hard to grasp.
I went to see my Doctor this morning and told him "The tablets you gave me to stop me shrinking aren't working".
He said, “You'll just have to be a little patient then”.
As a nurse, I have a patient who is very rude...
He's ill-mannered.
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Tell him I can't see him right now."
A small child was brought into hospital the other day after swallowing several small toy horses.
The doctors report that he is in a stable condition.
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
What did the police arrest the hospital patient for?
He was under cardiac arrest.
Nurse: You can come by at 6 today. Very little patients today.
Man: What happened to the normal sized patients?
Why do travel nurses and boxers get along?
They know how to stick and move.
My first date with an Emergency department nurse was a casual tea.
How do you cheer up the patients at the vegetable hospital?
Bring a sick beet.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor.
Did you know that doctors that perform circumscisions don’t make a lot of money for those operations?
They only get paid in tips.
A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it:
Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Guy: "Whats the bad news?"
Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."
Guy: OMG, and the good news?
Doc: You now have a tic tac toe.
The best way to a man's heart is through his stomach."
The surgeon was fired later that day.
2 years ago, the doctor told me I was losing my hearing.
Haven't heard from him since then.
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