Did you hear about the boy that went missing in the hospital?
Turns out he was just playing peek-a-boo ICU
Earlier, I tried to sneak into the Star Trek convention disguised as the starship's doctor.
Security soon discoverd, however, I wasn't the real McCoy.
Wife was in the hospital and the nurse said she was calling the doctor to put in an IV
When he showed up, I said to him "I thought there'd be four of you".
Did you know you can hear the blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
“I don’t find health-related puns funny anymore since I started suffering from an irony deficiency.”
What kind of Nurse can cast spells?
A Curse Practitioner.
The nurse in the hospital gave me an entire crate of the wrong medicine AND it was outdated! I almost died!
I got a bad case of poison I.V.
When I woke up from my accident, I was shocked when the doctors told me I broke all my fingers.
It was hard to grasp.
The Doctor could tell right away the bucket was sick.
It was looking a bit pale.
What's the name of a nurse who inserts plastic tubes into people?
Catherine.
Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway.
Why can't TLC be nurses?
Because they don't want no scrubs.
Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered.
Why did the wizard rush to the hospital?
He had a staff infection.
I only need a prescription for like half of my kitchen cabinets.
The rest are over the counter
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor.
Wife is about to give birth.
Nurse: "I'm gonna deliver the Baby."
Dad: " Actually, we'd like him to keep his Liver"
Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
because it felt crumby.
“Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.”
I rushed to my local hospital only to find that it had been converted into a library
Talk about having to suffer in silence
Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards"
Me: "And?"
A patient came to the ER with a rash. I told her it was an allergic reaction and that I'd prescribe her steroid cream. She asked me if she'd be discharged soon.
She was really itching to get out of here.
Why did the little birdie go to the hospital?
To get tweetment.
The best way to a man's heart is through his stomach."
The surgeon was fired later that day.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor!
Who is the second coolest man in hospital?
The hip replacement guy!
Doctor 1: what’s his body temperature?
Doctor 2: it’s 90 degrees.
Doctor 1: What?! That’s can’t be right!
Doctor 2: No, it is.
Man: "I’ve had really bad gas lately." Doctor: D"on’t worry, it will pass."
What did the doctor say to the nurse that was attractive to the patient with the staph infection?
"Why are you so abscess-ed with him?"
During labor, the nurse came up to my wife and said, “How about epidural anesthesia?”
I said, “Thanks, but we already picked a name.”
Doctor: Your brain seems to have deleted all info about 80s music!
Man: Yikes! What’s The Cure?
Doctor: Darn, it’s worse than I thought.
Me: I’d like to book an appointment at the hospital please Receptionist: how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: no I don’t need that many, only one thanks.
As my wife was giving birth, all the doctors and nurses started yelling, “Push! Push!”
I was convinced it was a Pull door.
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
Ya know, I was supposed to be a doctor.
But I just didn’t have the patience.
Why did the banana go to the doctor?
It wasn’t PEELING well.
“There was a sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center that said ‘Keep off the Grass.'”
Once there was a doctor who got shot. He adamantly wanted to perform surgery on himself, despite all of the other surgeons saying that he shouldn't.
But he was so insistent that they finally said "Fine, suture self."
What is a doctor's favorite element?
Healium.
Why did the little boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
Because he heard there were sleeping pills in there.
“I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.”
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
My doctor told me that his job is easy because he can heal all of his patients with trigonometry.
He has a sinecure.
People often stare at my back-alley cosmetic surgery to remove half of my brain...
I have half a mind to tell them where to go.
Got my nurse going into surgery today
She put the IV in my right hand, so I started texting from my left.
She said, "Wow! How can you do that?"
I responded: "I'm ambi-textrous."
The other day I was lifting weights on the bench press, when I dropped the weight and it fell on my chest. The nurse said I broke three ribs but I would live. Hearing that really lifted a weight off my chest.
What did the police arrest the hospital patient for?
He was under cardiac arrest.
I was in the hospital the other day and the nurse asked how I was doing; I told her I was fine until my bladder had to go and get infected.
I mean, the gall...
The doctor told me I shouldn’t eat alphabet soup.
I suffer from irritable vowel syndrome.
What did the nurse at the blood bank say to the nervous patient?
B positive
Go to BabaMail
