Why was the doctor doing diarrhia research scared?
He had seen some sh*t go down.
Wife was in the hospital and the nurse said she was calling the doctor to put in an IV
When he showed up, I said to him "I thought there'd be four of you".
What is a doctor's favorite element?
Healium.
Me: I have an appointment to see the doctor.
Nurse: which doctor?
Me: No, just the regular one
Why did the bunny go to the hospital?
Because he needed a hopperation.
The best way to a man's heart is through his stomach."
The surgeon was fired later that day.
“I tried to look up impotence on the Internet, but nothing came up.”
“While I was in the doctor’s waiting room, there was this tiny man, only about six inches tall. Although he was there before me, he let me see the doctor first. I suppose he just had to be a little patient.”
Doctor, Doctor! I'm terrified of words that are also letters!
Oh you are? I see. Why?
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor!
Who is the second coolest man in hospital?
The hip replacement guy!
Once there was a doctor who got shot. He adamantly wanted to perform surgery on himself, despite all of the other surgeons saying that he shouldn't.
But he was so insistent that they finally said "Fine, suture self."
Doctor: Are you aware of your sodium intake?
Me: Na.
A guy walks into the doctors office complaining of rectal pain, upon examination, the doctor exclaims "Buddy, theres a piece of lettuce coming out of your butt!"
The guy looks to the doctor and says "thats only the tip of the iceburg!"
What did the doctor say to the nurse that was attractive to the patient with the staph infection?
"Why are you so abscess-ed with him?"
Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains
Doctor: Pull yourself together
As a nurse, I have a patient who is very rude...
He's ill-mannered.
Dogs can't operate an MRI machine, but Catscan.
What do you call a hospital ward full of epeliptic vegetables?
Seizure salad
My first date with an Emergency department nurse was a casual tea.
Man: "I’ve had really bad gas lately." Doctor: D"on’t worry, it will pass."
The other day I was lifting weights on the bench press, when I dropped the weight and it fell on my chest. The nurse said I broke three ribs but I would live. Hearing that really lifted a weight off my chest.
Ya know, I was supposed to be a doctor.
But I just didn’t have the patience.
Why don't mining towns have hospitals?
Because everyone there only ever suffers from minor injuries.
My doctor told me that I needed I kidney
I told her no. I'd prefer an adult-knee.
Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway.
Earlier, I tried to sneak into the Star Trek convention disguised as the starship's doctor.
Security soon discoverd, however, I wasn't the real McCoy.
There's a German butcher around the corner from the hospital.
Just in case someone takes a turn for a wurst.
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards"
Me: "And?"
“PMS jokes aren’t funny; period.”
Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk past the pill cupboard quietly?
So she wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills.
A patient came to the ER with a rash. I told her it was an allergic reaction and that I'd prescribe her steroid cream. She asked me if she'd be discharged soon.
She was really itching to get out of here.
"And this is the amputation wing of the hospital. It used to be a lot bigger."
Nurse: Are you allergic to anything?
Man: Burnt bread.
Nurse: You're allergic to burnt bread?!?
Man: Yes, I’m black toast intolerant.
2 years ago, the doctor told me I was losing my hearing.
Haven't heard from him since then.
The Doctor could tell right away the bucket was sick.
It was looking a bit pale.
Nurse: You can come by at 6 today. Very little patients today.
Man: What happened to the normal sized patients?
A small child was brought into hospital the other day after swallowing several small toy horses.
The doctors report that he is in a stable condition.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor.
As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, "The baby's coming! Don't stop the car! I can't make it! DON'T! CAN'T! WON'T!"
"Driver, hurry!" I implored. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"
During labor, the nurse came up to my wife and said, “How about epidural anesthesia?”
I said, “Thanks, but we already picked a name.”
People often stare at my back-alley cosmetic surgery to remove half of my brain...
I have half a mind to tell them where to go.
What do doctors use to diagnose chickens?
Eggsray.
Why did the Meteorologist go to hospital?
He was feeling under the weather.
Why did the little boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
Because he heard there were sleeping pills in there.
“There was a sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center that said ‘Keep off the Grass.'”
Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered.
I had to work with two different hospitals for my Knee Surgery...
It was a joint venture.
Why did the wizard rush to the hospital?
He had a staff infection.
If anyone has any advice for cosmetic surgery that’s gone terribly wrong...
My wife is all ears.