My friend went on a date with a Cardio Nurse
His heart was racing the whole time.
Doctor: Your brain seems to have deleted all info about 80s music!
Man: Yikes! What’s The Cure?
Doctor: Darn, it’s worse than I thought.
Why did the little boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
Because he heard there were sleeping pills in there.
“He was wheeled into the operating room, and then had a change of heart.”
I had to work with two different hospitals for my Knee Surgery...
It was a joint venture.
My friend gave birth in the car on the way to the hospital
Her husband named the kid Carson.
Why did the little birdie go to the hospital?
To get tweetment.
What did the nurse at the blood bank say to the nervous patient?
B positive
I went to see my Doctor this morning and told him "The tablets you gave me to stop me shrinking aren't working".
He said, “You'll just have to be a little patient then”.
Wife is about to give birth.
Nurse: "I'm gonna deliver the Baby."
Dad: " Actually, we'd like him to keep his Liver"
What do you call a hospital ward full of epeliptic vegetables?
Seizure salad
My first date with an Emergency department nurse was a casual tea.
Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains
Doctor: Pull yourself together
Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk past the pill cupboard quietly?
So she wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills.
Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards"
Me: "And?"
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
*nurse flips on a light switch*
“The Doctor will see you now.”
What do doctors use to diagnose chickens?
Eggsray.
Why did the banana go to the doctor?
It wasn’t PEELING well.
The Doctor could tell right away the bucket was sick.
It was looking a bit pale.
I only need a prescription for like half of my kitchen cabinets.
The rest are over the counter
Why do travel nurses and boxers get along?
They know how to stick and move.
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Tell him I can't see him right now."
“Statistically…. 9 out of 10 injections are in vein.”
What do you call Vietnamese animal doctors?
Vietnam Vets.
A small child was brought into hospital the other day after swallowing several small toy horses.
The doctors report that he is in a stable condition.
As my wife was giving birth, all the doctors and nurses started yelling, “Push! Push!”
I was convinced it was a Pull door.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor!
Who is the second coolest man in hospital?
The hip replacement guy!
How do you cheer up the patients at the vegetable hospital?
Bring a sick beet.
Nurse: Wow, that cut looks pretty bad...want me to stitch it up for you?
Me: No, thanks.
Nurse: Fine. Suture self.
Why did the house go to the doctor?
It was having window panes.
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