I dated a doctor once. Big mistake.
She was a Psycho.
"Doctor Doctor I feel like a supermarket"
How long have you been feeling like this?
"Since I was Lidl."
The other day I was lifting weights on the bench press, when I dropped the weight and it fell on my chest. The nurse said I broke three ribs but I would live. Hearing that really lifted a weight off my chest.
Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway.
There’s a new drama featuring herbivore doctors.
It’s called Graze Anatomy.
Doctor, Doctor! I'm terrified of words that are also letters!
Oh you are? I see. Why?
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital.
He was on a fairway to heaven.
Wife is about to give birth.
Nurse: "I'm gonna deliver the Baby."
Dad: " Actually, we'd like him to keep his Liver"
When I woke up from my accident, I was shocked when the doctors told me I broke all my fingers.
It was hard to grasp.
“I tried to look up impotence on the Internet, but nothing came up.”
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
He used to be a doctor but he lost his patience.
Once there was a doctor who got shot. He adamantly wanted to perform surgery on himself, despite all of the other surgeons saying that he shouldn't.
But he was so insistent that they finally said "Fine, suture self."
Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards"
Me: "And?"
There's a German butcher around the corner from the hospital.
Just in case someone takes a turn for a wurst.
Why do travel nurses and boxers get along?
They know how to stick and move.
Me: I have an appointment to see the doctor.
Nurse: which doctor?
Me: No, just the regular one
Earlier, I tried to sneak into the Star Trek convention disguised as the starship's doctor.
Security soon discoverd, however, I wasn't the real McCoy.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor.
My doctor didn’t show up to the appointment about my hairline.
He said it got pushed back
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Tell him I can't see him right now."
How do nurses and doctors keep people from lying about their medical history?
They use the de-FIB-rillator.
Doctor 1: what’s his body temperature?
Doctor 2: it’s 90 degrees.
Doctor 1: What?! That’s can’t be right!
Doctor 2: No, it is.
Nurse: Wow, that cut looks pretty bad...want me to stitch it up for you?
Me: No, thanks.
Nurse: Fine. Suture self.
Do you know where in a hospital the invisible man can't hide?
The ICU.
What do you call a doctor who became a delivery driver?
MedEx
Why did the bunny go to the hospital?
Because he needed a hopperation.
What do you call Vietnamese animal doctors?
Vietnam Vets.
"And this is the amputation wing of the hospital. It used to be a lot bigger."
Why did the little birdie go to the hospital?
To get tweetment.
Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk past the pill cupboard quietly?
So she wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills.
The Doctor could tell right away the bucket was sick.
It was looking a bit pale.
Doctor, I keep peeing my pants! What can I do?
Urologist: “It’s mind over matter, urine control.”
Maternity ward nurse asked my wife if she needed to go to the bathroom.
She says, "yeah, I could stand to pee."
I said, "No, you should probably still sit so it doesn't get everywhere."
Did you know that doctors that perform circumscisions don’t make a lot of money for those operations?
They only get paid in tips.
I was in the hospital the other day and the nurse asked how I was doing; I told her I was fine until my bladder had to go and get infected.
I mean, the gall...
A man goes to the Doctor with a banana in one ear, a carrot in the other ear and a cucumber up his nose. “What’s wrong with me doc?” He asks.
“It’s easy, you're not eating properly.” the doctors replies.
Who's the nicest guy at the hospital?
The ultrasound guy
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
My first date with an Emergency department nurse was a casual tea.
I met a Russian nurse, she was employee of the month, I asked if she'd won anything. She said "Da, award."
“I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.”
Why did the house go to the doctor?
It was having window panes.
If anyone has any advice for cosmetic surgery that’s gone terribly wrong...
My wife is all ears.
Her name is Carly and she's a doctor
maybe I should C A Rly good doctor.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
Did you know you can hear the blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
“There was a sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center that said ‘Keep off the Grass.'”
I ride share to work regularly, but if I'm in the backseat when we go through a tunnel I have a massive anxiety attack.
My doctor diagnosed me with Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.
What is a nurse’s favorite element?
Healium.
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