"And this is the amputation wing of the hospital. It used to be a lot bigger."
Earlier, I tried to sneak into the Star Trek convention disguised as the starship's doctor.
Security soon discoverd, however, I wasn't the real McCoy.
Me: I have an appointment to see the doctor.
Nurse: which doctor?
Me: No, just the regular one
Doctor 1: what’s his body temperature?
Doctor 2: it’s 90 degrees.
Doctor 1: What?! That’s can’t be right!
Doctor 2: No, it is.
Me: I’d like to book an appointment at the hospital please Receptionist: how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: no I don’t need that many, only one thanks.
Doctor, Doctor! I'm terrified of words that are also letters!
Oh you are? I see. Why?
People often stare at my back-alley cosmetic surgery to remove half of my brain...
I have half a mind to tell them where to go.
Why did the bunny go to the hospital?
Because he needed a hopperation.
Did you know that doctors that perform circumscisions don’t make a lot of money for those operations?
They only get paid in tips.
“Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.”
Why do travel nurses and boxers get along?
They know how to stick and move.
Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains
Doctor: Pull yourself together
A patient came to the ER with a rash. I told her it was an allergic reaction and that I'd prescribe her steroid cream. She asked me if she'd be discharged soon.
She was really itching to get out of here.
The other day I was lifting weights on the bench press, when I dropped the weight and it fell on my chest. The nurse said I broke three ribs but I would live. Hearing that really lifted a weight off my chest.
Nurse: You can come by at 6 today. Very little patients today.
Man: What happened to the normal sized patients?
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
“Statistically…. 9 out of 10 injections are in vein.”
I met a Russian nurse, she was employee of the month, I asked if she'd won anything. She said "Da, award."
Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards"
Me: "And?"
Who's the nicest guy at the hospital?
The ultrasound guy
Why can't TLC be nurses?
Because they don't want no scrubs.
Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk past the pill cupboard quietly?
So she wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills.
“There was a sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center that said ‘Keep off the Grass.'”
Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
because it felt crumby.
When I woke up from my accident, I was shocked when the doctors told me I broke all my fingers.
It was hard to grasp.
Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered.
What do you call a doctor who became a delivery driver?
MedEx
What do you call a hospital ward full of epeliptic vegetables?
Seizure salad
As my wife was giving birth, all the doctors and nurses started yelling, “Push! Push!”
I was convinced it was a Pull door.
“Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.”
A guy walks into the doctors office complaining of rectal pain, upon examination, the doctor exclaims "Buddy, theres a piece of lettuce coming out of your butt!"
The guy looks to the doctor and says "thats only the tip of the iceburg!"
I ride share to work regularly, but if I'm in the backseat when we go through a tunnel I have a massive anxiety attack.
My doctor diagnosed me with Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.
The nurse in the hospital gave me an entire crate of the wrong medicine AND it was outdated! I almost died!
I got a bad case of poison I.V.
Ya know, I was supposed to be a doctor.
But I just didn’t have the patience.
Got my nurse going into surgery today
She put the IV in my right hand, so I started texting from my left.
She said, "Wow! How can you do that?"
I responded: "I'm ambi-textrous."
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor!
Who is the second coolest man in hospital?
The hip replacement guy!
A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it:
Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Guy: "Whats the bad news?"
Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."
Guy: OMG, and the good news?
Doc: You now have a tic tac toe.
Do you know where in a hospital the invisible man can't hide?
The ICU.
What is a doctor's favorite element?
Healium.
There's a German butcher around the corner from the hospital.
Just in case someone takes a turn for a wurst.
The doctor told me I shouldn’t eat alphabet soup.
I suffer from irritable vowel syndrome.
Nurse: Are you allergic to anything?
Man: Burnt bread.
Nurse: You're allergic to burnt bread?!?
Man: Yes, I’m black toast intolerant.
Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway.
“URINE: opposite of ‘you’re out.'”
I went to see my Doctor this morning and told him "The tablets you gave me to stop me shrinking aren't working".
He said, “You'll just have to be a little patient then”.
What's the name of a nurse who inserts plastic tubes into people?
Catherine.
What did the police arrest the hospital patient for?
He was under cardiac arrest.
Patient: ‘Doctor, I’ve swallowed a spoon.’
Doctor: ‘Sit down and don’t stir.’
He used to be a doctor but he lost his patience.
I dated a doctor once. Big mistake.
She was a Psycho.
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