I went to see my Doctor this morning and told him "The tablets you gave me to stop me shrinking aren't working".
He said, “You'll just have to be a little patient then”.
Patient: ‘Doctor, I’ve swallowed a spoon.’
Doctor: ‘Sit down and don’t stir.’
“While I was in the doctor’s waiting room, there was this tiny man, only about six inches tall. Although he was there before me, he let me see the doctor first. I suppose he just had to be a little patient.”
Why was the doctor doing diarrhia research scared?
He had seen some sh*t go down.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
Earlier, I tried to sneak into the Star Trek convention disguised as the starship's doctor.
Security soon discoverd, however, I wasn't the real McCoy.
Wife was in the hospital and the nurse said she was calling the doctor to put in an IV
When he showed up, I said to him "I thought there'd be four of you".
Man: "I’ve had really bad gas lately." Doctor: D"on’t worry, it will pass."
A small child was brought into hospital the other day after swallowing several small toy horses.
The doctors report that he is in a stable condition.
Got my nurse going into surgery today
She put the IV in my right hand, so I started texting from my left.
She said, "Wow! How can you do that?"
I responded: "I'm ambi-textrous."
My doctor didn’t show up to the appointment about my hairline.
He said it got pushed back
My doctor told me that his job is easy because he can heal all of his patients with trigonometry.
He has a sinecure.
I only need a prescription for like half of my kitchen cabinets.
The rest are over the counter
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor.
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Tell him I can't see him right now."
What do you call a hospital ward full of epeliptic vegetables?
Seizure salad
I dated a doctor once. Big mistake.
She was a Psycho.
What do doctors use to diagnose chickens?
Eggsray.
What do you call a doctor who became a delivery driver?
MedEx
When I woke up from my accident, I was shocked when the doctors told me I broke all my fingers.
It was hard to grasp.
“I tried to look up impotence on the Internet, but nothing came up.”
Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered.
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
because it felt crumby.
People often stare at my back-alley cosmetic surgery to remove half of my brain...
I have half a mind to tell them where to go.
Once there was a doctor who got shot. He adamantly wanted to perform surgery on himself, despite all of the other surgeons saying that he shouldn't.
But he was so insistent that they finally said "Fine, suture self."
“There was a sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center that said ‘Keep off the Grass.'”
Nurse: Are you allergic to anything?
Man: Burnt bread.
Nurse: You're allergic to burnt bread?!?
Man: Yes, I’m black toast intolerant.
If anyone has any advice for cosmetic surgery that’s gone terribly wrong...
My wife is all ears.
He used to be a doctor but he lost his patience.
“URINE: opposite of ‘you’re out.'”
There's a German butcher around the corner from the hospital.
Just in case someone takes a turn for a wurst.
Her name is Carly and she's a doctor
maybe I should C A Rly good doctor.
A man goes to the Doctor with a banana in one ear, a carrot in the other ear and a cucumber up his nose. “What’s wrong with me doc?” He asks.
“It’s easy, you're not eating properly.” the doctors replies.
What kind of doctor is always available?
An on-call-ogist.
2 years ago, the doctor told me I was losing my hearing.
Haven't heard from him since then.
Why did the banana go to the doctor?
It wasn’t PEELING well.
My friend went on a date with a Cardio Nurse
His heart was racing the whole time.
“I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.”
I applied to be a sperm donor recently and the nurse asked me if I could masturbate in the cup.
I told her I’ve done it a few times before but I don’t know if I’m ready to compete in a tournament.
Why can't TLC be nurses?
Because they don't want no scrubs.
"And this is the amputation wing of the hospital. It used to be a lot bigger."
Nurse: You can come by at 6 today. Very little patients today.
Man: What happened to the normal sized patients?
Who's the nicest guy at the hospital?
The ultrasound guy
My first date with an Emergency department nurse was a casual tea.
What's the name of a nurse who inserts plastic tubes into people?
Catherine.
My doctor told me that I needed I kidney
I told her no. I'd prefer an adult-knee.
“Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.”
Me: I’d like to book an appointment at the hospital please Receptionist: how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: no I don’t need that many, only one thanks.
I rushed to my local hospital only to find that it had been converted into a library
Talk about having to suffer in silence
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