What did the Power Ranger say after being sent to the hospital?
It's morphine time.
Doctor, Doctor! I'm terrified of words that are also letters!
Oh you are? I see. Why?
A small child was brought into hospital the other day after swallowing several small toy horses.
The doctors report that he is in a stable condition.
Patient: ‘Doctor, I’ve swallowed a spoon.’
Doctor: ‘Sit down and don’t stir.’
Wife is about to give birth.
Nurse: "I'm gonna deliver the Baby."
Dad: " Actually, we'd like him to keep his Liver"
Doctor: Are you aware of your sodium intake?
Me: Na.
What kind of Nurse can cast spells?
A Curse Practitioner.
“I tried to look up impotence on the Internet, but nothing came up.”
2 years ago, the doctor told me I was losing my hearing.
Haven't heard from him since then.
Why did the banana go to the doctor?
It wasn’t PEELING well.
I dated a doctor once. Big mistake.
She was a Psycho.
My first date with an Emergency department nurse was a casual tea.
“While I was in the doctor’s waiting room, there was this tiny man, only about six inches tall. Although he was there before me, he let me see the doctor first. I suppose he just had to be a little patient.”
Who's the nicest guy at the hospital?
The ultrasound guy
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?
Nurse: No change yet.
A patient came to the ER with a rash. I told her it was an allergic reaction and that I'd prescribe her steroid cream. She asked me if she'd be discharged soon.
She was really itching to get out of here.
I was in the hospital the other day and the nurse asked how I was doing; I told her I was fine until my bladder had to go and get infected.
I mean, the gall...
There's a German butcher around the corner from the hospital.
Just in case someone takes a turn for a wurst.
My doctor told me that I needed I kidney
I told her no. I'd prefer an adult-knee.
Why did the bunny go to the hospital?
Because he needed a hopperation.
How do nurses and doctors keep people from lying about their medical history?
They use the de-FIB-rillator.
People often stare at my back-alley cosmetic surgery to remove half of my brain...
I have half a mind to tell them where to go.
Dogs can't operate an MRI machine, but Catscan.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor.
Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
because it felt crumby.
Do you know where in a hospital the invisible man can't hide?
The ICU.
“Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.”
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
I had to work with two different hospitals for my Knee Surgery...
It was a joint venture.
What did the nurse at the blood bank say to the nervous patient?
B positive
What is a doctor's favorite element?
Healium.
Ya know, I was supposed to be a doctor.
But I just didn’t have the patience.
Earlier, I tried to sneak into the Star Trek convention disguised as the starship's doctor.
Security soon discoverd, however, I wasn't the real McCoy.
The best way to a man's heart is through his stomach."
The surgeon was fired later that day.
Nurse: You can come by at 6 today. Very little patients today.
Man: What happened to the normal sized patients?
I went to see my Doctor this morning and told him "The tablets you gave me to stop me shrinking aren't working".
He said, “You'll just have to be a little patient then”.
What is a nurse’s favorite element?
Healium.
What do you call a hospital ward full of epeliptic vegetables?
Seizure salad
My doctor told me that his job is easy because he can heal all of his patients with trigonometry.
He has a sinecure.
Why did the wizard rush to the hospital?
He had a staff infection.
Wife was in the hospital and the nurse said she was calling the doctor to put in an IV
When he showed up, I said to him "I thought there'd be four of you".
Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains
Doctor: Pull yourself together
My friend gave birth in the car on the way to the hospital
Her husband named the kid Carson.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
*nurse flips on a light switch*
“The Doctor will see you now.”
“There was a sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center that said ‘Keep off the Grass.'”
Doctor 1: what’s his body temperature?
Doctor 2: it’s 90 degrees.
Doctor 1: What?! That’s can’t be right!
Doctor 2: No, it is.
Maternity ward nurse asked my wife if she needed to go to the bathroom.
She says, "yeah, I could stand to pee."
I said, "No, you should probably still sit so it doesn't get everywhere."
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
“URINE: opposite of ‘you’re out.'”
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