Doctor, Doctor! I'm terrified of words that are also letters!
Oh you are? I see. Why?
What's the name of a nurse who inserts plastic tubes into people?
Catherine.
Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk past the pill cupboard quietly?
So she wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills.
During labor, the nurse came up to my wife and said, “How about epidural anesthesia?”
I said, “Thanks, but we already picked a name.”
What did the doctor say to the nurse that was attractive to the patient with the staph infection?
"Why are you so abscess-ed with him?"
What do you call a doctor who became a delivery driver?
MedEx
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
Do you know where in a hospital the invisible man can't hide?
The ICU.
How does herpes get out of the hospital ?
On crotches.
“I tried to look up impotence on the Internet, but nothing came up.”
A small child was brought into hospital the other day after swallowing several small toy horses.
The doctors report that he is in a stable condition.
Why was the doctor doing diarrhia research scared?
He had seen some sh*t go down.
My friend gave birth in the car on the way to the hospital
Her husband named the kid Carson.
A man goes to the Doctor with a banana in one ear, a carrot in the other ear and a cucumber up his nose. “What’s wrong with me doc?” He asks.
“It’s easy, you're not eating properly.” the doctors replies.
Did you know you can hear the blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
Why did the little boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
Because he heard there were sleeping pills in there.
My first date with an Emergency department nurse was a casual tea.
A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it:
Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Guy: "Whats the bad news?"
Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."
Guy: OMG, and the good news?
Doc: You now have a tic tac toe.
A patient came to the ER with a rash. I told her it was an allergic reaction and that I'd prescribe her steroid cream. She asked me if she'd be discharged soon.
She was really itching to get out of here.
I ride share to work regularly, but if I'm in the backseat when we go through a tunnel I have a massive anxiety attack.
My doctor diagnosed me with Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.
Wife was in the hospital and the nurse said she was calling the doctor to put in an IV
When he showed up, I said to him "I thought there'd be four of you".
Why did the wizard rush to the hospital?
He had a staff infection.
Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
because it felt crumby.
“PMS jokes aren’t funny; period.”
The doctor told me I shouldn’t eat alphabet soup.
I suffer from irritable vowel syndrome.
My doctor didn’t show up to the appointment about my hairline.
He said it got pushed back
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Tell him I can't see him right now."
Doctor 1: what’s his body temperature?
Doctor 2: it’s 90 degrees.
Doctor 1: What?! That’s can’t be right!
Doctor 2: No, it is.
Nurse: You can come by at 6 today. Very little patients today.
Man: What happened to the normal sized patients?
"And this is the amputation wing of the hospital. It used to be a lot bigger."
I rushed to my local hospital only to find that it had been converted into a library
Talk about having to suffer in silence
“I don’t find health-related puns funny anymore since I started suffering from an irony deficiency.”
Why did the Meteorologist go to hospital?
He was feeling under the weather.
If anyone has any advice for cosmetic surgery that’s gone terribly wrong...
My wife is all ears.
“There was a sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center that said ‘Keep off the Grass.'”
I only need a prescription for like half of my kitchen cabinets.
The rest are over the counter
Why did the little birdie go to the hospital?
To get tweetment.
What do you call a hospital ward full of epeliptic vegetables?
Seizure salad
What do you call an alligators nurse?
Gator-aid.
Why don't mining towns have hospitals?
Because everyone there only ever suffers from minor injuries.
"Doctor Doctor I feel like a supermarket"
How long have you been feeling like this?
"Since I was Lidl."
Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered.
What did the Power Ranger say after being sent to the hospital?
It's morphine time.
Her name is Carly and she's a doctor
maybe I should C A Rly good doctor.
He used to be a doctor but he lost his patience.
*nurse flips on a light switch*
“The Doctor will see you now.”
The Doctor could tell right away the bucket was sick.
It was looking a bit pale.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
She got a divorce the next day.
What kind of doctor is always available?
An on-call-ogist.
My doctor told me that his job is easy because he can heal all of his patients with trigonometry.
He has a sinecure.
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