Why did the little boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
Because he heard there were sleeping pills in there.
Doctor: Are you aware of your sodium intake?
Me: Na.
Her name is Carly and she's a doctor
maybe I should C A Rly good doctor.
The Doctor could tell right away the bucket was sick.
It was looking a bit pale.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
She got a divorce the next day.
Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains
Doctor: Pull yourself together
*nurse flips on a light switch*
“The Doctor will see you now.”
What do you call a doctor who became a delivery driver?
MedEx
What did the nurse at the blood bank say to the nervous patient?
B positive
During labor, the nurse came up to my wife and said, “How about epidural anesthesia?”
I said, “Thanks, but we already picked a name.”
What do you call a hospital ward full of epeliptic vegetables?
Seizure salad
“I don’t find health-related puns funny anymore since I started suffering from an irony deficiency.”
Why was the doctor doing diarrhia research scared?
He had seen some sh*t go down.
Did you hear about the boy that went missing in the hospital?
Turns out he was just playing peek-a-boo ICU
“Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.”
Once there was a doctor who got shot. He adamantly wanted to perform surgery on himself, despite all of the other surgeons saying that he shouldn't.
But he was so insistent that they finally said "Fine, suture self."
I only need a prescription for like half of my kitchen cabinets.
The rest are over the counter
Why do travel nurses and boxers get along?
They know how to stick and move.
Why can't TLC be nurses?
Because they don't want no scrubs.
What's the name of a nurse who inserts plastic tubes into people?
Catherine.
What kind of Nurse can cast spells?
A Curse Practitioner.
The other day I was lifting weights on the bench press, when I dropped the weight and it fell on my chest. The nurse said I broke three ribs but I would live. Hearing that really lifted a weight off my chest.
“While I was in the doctor’s waiting room, there was this tiny man, only about six inches tall. Although he was there before me, he let me see the doctor first. I suppose he just had to be a little patient.”
Nurse: You can come by at 6 today. Very little patients today.
Man: What happened to the normal sized patients?
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Tell him I can't see him right now."
A patient came to the ER with a rash. I told her it was an allergic reaction and that I'd prescribe her steroid cream. She asked me if she'd be discharged soon.
She was really itching to get out of here.
My friend went on a date with a Cardio Nurse
His heart was racing the whole time.
My doctor told me that I needed I kidney
I told her no. I'd prefer an adult-knee.
I had to work with two different hospitals for my Knee Surgery...
It was a joint venture.
The best way to a man's heart is through his stomach."
The surgeon was fired later that day.
My doctor told me that his job is easy because he can heal all of his patients with trigonometry.
He has a sinecure.
Who's the nicest guy at the hospital?
The ultrasound guy
My doctor didn’t show up to the appointment about my hairline.
He said it got pushed back
Why don't mining towns have hospitals?
Because everyone there only ever suffers from minor injuries.
A guy walks into the doctors office complaining of rectal pain, upon examination, the doctor exclaims "Buddy, theres a piece of lettuce coming out of your butt!"
The guy looks to the doctor and says "thats only the tip of the iceburg!"
I dated a doctor once. Big mistake.
She was a Psycho.
As my wife was giving birth, all the doctors and nurses started yelling, “Push! Push!”
I was convinced it was a Pull door.
What did the police arrest the hospital patient for?
He was under cardiac arrest.
A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it:
Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Guy: "Whats the bad news?"
Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."
Guy: OMG, and the good news?
Doc: You now have a tic tac toe.
Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk past the pill cupboard quietly?
So she wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor.
How do you cheer up the patients at the vegetable hospital?
Bring a sick beet.
“I tried to look up impotence on the Internet, but nothing came up.”
What do you call an alligators nurse?
Gator-aid.
Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered.
I ride share to work regularly, but if I'm in the backseat when we go through a tunnel I have a massive anxiety attack.
My doctor diagnosed me with Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.
Why did the Meteorologist go to hospital?
He was feeling under the weather.
Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards"
Me: "And?"
As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, "The baby's coming! Don't stop the car! I can't make it! DON'T! CAN'T! WON'T!"
"Driver, hurry!" I implored. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"
What is a nurse’s favorite element?
Healium.
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