Why don't mining towns have hospitals?
Because everyone there only ever suffers from minor injuries.
“He was wheeled into the operating room, and then had a change of heart.”
The best way to a man's heart is through his stomach."
The surgeon was fired later that day.
Why did the house go to the doctor?
It was having window panes.
A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it:
Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Guy: "Whats the bad news?"
Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."
Guy: OMG, and the good news?
Doc: You now have a tic tac toe.
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?
Nurse: No change yet.
Ya know, I was supposed to be a doctor.
But I just didn’t have the patience.
Why did the little birdie go to the hospital?
To get tweetment.
People often stare at my back-alley cosmetic surgery to remove half of my brain...
I have half a mind to tell them where to go.
Did you know that doctors that perform circumscisions don’t make a lot of money for those operations?
They only get paid in tips.
Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains
Doctor: Pull yourself together
“I don’t find health-related puns funny anymore since I started suffering from an irony deficiency.”
Why was the doctor doing diarrhia research scared?
He had seen some sh*t go down.
“Statistically…. 9 out of 10 injections are in vein.”
2 years ago, the doctor told me I was losing my hearing.
Haven't heard from him since then.
My doctor told me that I needed I kidney
I told her no. I'd prefer an adult-knee.
Do you know where in a hospital the invisible man can't hide?
The ICU.
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
She got a divorce the next day.
“Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.”
"Doctor Doctor I feel like a supermarket"
How long have you been feeling like this?
"Since I was Lidl."
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Tell him I can't see him right now."
The doctor told me I shouldn’t eat alphabet soup.
I suffer from irritable vowel syndrome.
Earlier, I tried to sneak into the Star Trek convention disguised as the starship's doctor.
Security soon discoverd, however, I wasn't the real McCoy.
Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered.
Doctor, Doctor! I'm terrified of words that are also letters!
Oh you are? I see. Why?
What do you call a doctor who became a delivery driver?
MedEx
Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk past the pill cupboard quietly?
So she wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills.
Nurse: Are you allergic to anything?
Man: Burnt bread.
Nurse: You're allergic to burnt bread?!?
Man: Yes, I’m black toast intolerant.
Got my nurse going into surgery today
She put the IV in my right hand, so I started texting from my left.
She said, "Wow! How can you do that?"
I responded: "I'm ambi-textrous."
Wife is about to give birth.
Nurse: "I'm gonna deliver the Baby."
Dad: " Actually, we'd like him to keep his Liver"
My friend went on a date with a Cardio Nurse
His heart was racing the whole time.
Me: I’d like to book an appointment at the hospital please Receptionist: how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: no I don’t need that many, only one thanks.
I met a Russian nurse, she was employee of the month, I asked if she'd won anything. She said "Da, award."
I dated a doctor once. Big mistake.
She was a Psycho.
Did you know you can hear the blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
I rushed to my local hospital only to find that it had been converted into a library
Talk about having to suffer in silence
If anyone has any advice for cosmetic surgery that’s gone terribly wrong...
My wife is all ears.
My friend gave birth in the car on the way to the hospital
Her husband named the kid Carson.
What did the doctor say to the nurse that was attractive to the patient with the staph infection?
"Why are you so abscess-ed with him?"
“I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.”
How do nurses and doctors keep people from lying about their medical history?
They use the de-FIB-rillator.
Doctor, I keep peeing my pants! What can I do?
Urologist: “It’s mind over matter, urine control.”
What is a doctor's favorite element?
Healium.
The Doctor could tell right away the bucket was sick.
It was looking a bit pale.
“URINE: opposite of ‘you’re out.'”
I was in the hospital the other day and the nurse asked how I was doing; I told her I was fine until my bladder had to go and get infected.
I mean, the gall...
Why can't TLC be nurses?
Because they don't want no scrubs.
Doctor: Your brain seems to have deleted all info about 80s music!
Man: Yikes! What’s The Cure?
Doctor: Darn, it’s worse than I thought.
A guy walks into the doctors office complaining of rectal pain, upon examination, the doctor exclaims "Buddy, theres a piece of lettuce coming out of your butt!"
The guy looks to the doctor and says "thats only the tip of the iceburg!"