Why did the banana go to the doctor?
It wasn’t PEELING well.
Why was the doctor so paranoid?
He worked in the ICU.
Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered.
“I don’t find health-related puns funny anymore since I started suffering from an irony deficiency.”
A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it:
Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Guy: "Whats the bad news?"
Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."
Guy: OMG, and the good news?
Doc: You now have a tic tac toe.
Why don't mining towns have hospitals?
Because everyone there only ever suffers from minor injuries.
Wife was in the hospital and the nurse said she was calling the doctor to put in an IV
When he showed up, I said to him "I thought there'd be four of you".
What do doctors use to diagnose chickens?
Eggsray.
*nurse flips on a light switch*
“The Doctor will see you now.”
Why was the doctor doing diarrhia research scared?
He had seen some sh*t go down.
Did you know that doctors that perform circumscisions don’t make a lot of money for those operations?
They only get paid in tips.
What did the police arrest the hospital patient for?
He was under cardiac arrest.
During labor, the nurse came up to my wife and said, “How about epidural anesthesia?”
I said, “Thanks, but we already picked a name.”
Maternity ward nurse asked my wife if she needed to go to the bathroom.
She says, "yeah, I could stand to pee."
I said, "No, you should probably still sit so it doesn't get everywhere."
My friend went on a date with a Cardio Nurse
His heart was racing the whole time.
“I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.”
I met a Russian nurse, she was employee of the month, I asked if she'd won anything. She said "Da, award."
My doctor told me that I needed I kidney
I told her no. I'd prefer an adult-knee.
Earlier, I tried to sneak into the Star Trek convention disguised as the starship's doctor.
Security soon discoverd, however, I wasn't the real McCoy.
“Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.”
Why did the little birdie go to the hospital?
To get tweetment.
What do you call Vietnamese animal doctors?
Vietnam Vets.
Once there was a doctor who got shot. He adamantly wanted to perform surgery on himself, despite all of the other surgeons saying that he shouldn't.
But he was so insistent that they finally said "Fine, suture self."
What kind of doctor is always available?
An on-call-ogist.
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
Why did the house go to the doctor?
It was having window panes.
“He was wheeled into the operating room, and then had a change of heart.”
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?
Nurse: No change yet.
Nurse: Wow, that cut looks pretty bad...want me to stitch it up for you?
Me: No, thanks.
Nurse: Fine. Suture self.
Dogs can't operate an MRI machine, but Catscan.
"And this is the amputation wing of the hospital. It used to be a lot bigger."
As a nurse, I have a patient who is very rude...
He's ill-mannered.
What did the doctor say to the nurse that was attractive to the patient with the staph infection?
"Why are you so abscess-ed with him?"
Ya know, I was supposed to be a doctor.
But I just didn’t have the patience.
I was in the hospital the other day and the nurse asked how I was doing; I told her I was fine until my bladder had to go and get infected.
I mean, the gall...
Doctor: Your brain seems to have deleted all info about 80s music!
Man: Yikes! What’s The Cure?
Doctor: Darn, it’s worse than I thought.
Why did the Meteorologist go to hospital?
He was feeling under the weather.
Doctor, Doctor! I'm terrified of words that are also letters!
Oh you are? I see. Why?
The other day I was lifting weights on the bench press, when I dropped the weight and it fell on my chest. The nurse said I broke three ribs but I would live. Hearing that really lifted a weight off my chest.
Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards"
Me: "And?"
Patient: ‘Doctor, I’ve swallowed a spoon.’
Doctor: ‘Sit down and don’t stir.’
I went to see my Doctor this morning and told him "The tablets you gave me to stop me shrinking aren't working".
He said, “You'll just have to be a little patient then”.
Got my nurse going into surgery today
She put the IV in my right hand, so I started texting from my left.
She said, "Wow! How can you do that?"
I responded: "I'm ambi-textrous."
My friend gave birth in the car on the way to the hospital
Her husband named the kid Carson.
The best way to a man's heart is through his stomach."
The surgeon was fired later that day.
Nurse: You can come by at 6 today. Very little patients today.
Man: What happened to the normal sized patients?
“PMS jokes aren’t funny; period.”
Doctor, I keep peeing my pants! What can I do?
Urologist: “It’s mind over matter, urine control.”
What do you call an alligators nurse?
Gator-aid.
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