Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered.
Nurse: Are you allergic to anything?
Man: Burnt bread.
Nurse: You're allergic to burnt bread?!?
Man: Yes, I’m black toast intolerant.
Why did the bunny go to the hospital?
Because he needed a hopperation.
Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards"
Me: "And?"
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?
Nurse: No change yet.
My friend went on a date with a Cardio Nurse
His heart was racing the whole time.
Why did the little boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
Because he heard there were sleeping pills in there.
There's a German butcher around the corner from the hospital.
Just in case someone takes a turn for a wurst.
“While I was in the doctor’s waiting room, there was this tiny man, only about six inches tall. Although he was there before me, he let me see the doctor first. I suppose he just had to be a little patient.”
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
“PMS jokes aren’t funny; period.”
He used to be a doctor but he lost his patience.
Nurse: Wow, that cut looks pretty bad...want me to stitch it up for you?
Me: No, thanks.
Nurse: Fine. Suture self.
“I don’t find health-related puns funny anymore since I started suffering from an irony deficiency.”
Doctor: Are you aware of your sodium intake?
Me: Na.
Once there was a doctor who got shot. He adamantly wanted to perform surgery on himself, despite all of the other surgeons saying that he shouldn't.
But he was so insistent that they finally said "Fine, suture self."
There’s a new drama featuring herbivore doctors.
It’s called Graze Anatomy.
What did the doctor say to the nurse that was attractive to the patient with the staph infection?
"Why are you so abscess-ed with him?"
Dogs can't operate an MRI machine, but Catscan.
My doctor told me that his job is easy because he can heal all of his patients with trigonometry.
He has a sinecure.
What is a doctor's favorite element?
Healium.
I applied to be a sperm donor recently and the nurse asked me if I could masturbate in the cup.
I told her I’ve done it a few times before but I don’t know if I’m ready to compete in a tournament.
Why did the house go to the doctor?
It was having window panes.
“I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.”
If anyone has any advice for cosmetic surgery that’s gone terribly wrong...
My wife is all ears.
I rushed to my local hospital only to find that it had been converted into a library
Talk about having to suffer in silence
Her name is Carly and she's a doctor
maybe I should C A Rly good doctor.
"Doctor Doctor I feel like a supermarket"
How long have you been feeling like this?
"Since I was Lidl."
Why did the banana go to the doctor?
It wasn’t PEELING well.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
How does herpes get out of the hospital ?
On crotches.
I only need a prescription for like half of my kitchen cabinets.
The rest are over the counter
I met a Russian nurse, she was employee of the month, I asked if she'd won anything. She said "Da, award."
Why don't mining towns have hospitals?
Because everyone there only ever suffers from minor injuries.
How do nurses and doctors keep people from lying about their medical history?
They use the de-FIB-rillator.
As a nurse, I have a patient who is very rude...
He's ill-mannered.
Who's the nicest guy at the hospital?
The ultrasound guy
Doctor: Your brain seems to have deleted all info about 80s music!
Man: Yikes! What’s The Cure?
Doctor: Darn, it’s worse than I thought.
Why did the wizard rush to the hospital?
He had a staff infection.
Why did the little birdie go to the hospital?
To get tweetment.
“There was a sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center that said ‘Keep off the Grass.'”
“URINE: opposite of ‘you’re out.'”
The best way to a man's heart is through his stomach."
The surgeon was fired later that day.
As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, "The baby's coming! Don't stop the car! I can't make it! DON'T! CAN'T! WON'T!"
"Driver, hurry!" I implored. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"
Why was the doctor doing diarrhia research scared?
He had seen some sh*t go down.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
She got a divorce the next day.
“He was wheeled into the operating room, and then had a change of heart.”
What did the police arrest the hospital patient for?
He was under cardiac arrest.
During labor, the nurse came up to my wife and said, “How about epidural anesthesia?”
I said, “Thanks, but we already picked a name.”
Doctor 1: what’s his body temperature?
Doctor 2: it’s 90 degrees.
Doctor 1: What?! That’s can’t be right!
Doctor 2: No, it is.
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