“I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.”
What kind of doctor is always available?
An on-call-ogist.
What do you call an alligators nurse?
Gator-aid.
Once there was a doctor who got shot. He adamantly wanted to perform surgery on himself, despite all of the other surgeons saying that he shouldn't.
But he was so insistent that they finally said "Fine, suture self."
Nurse: You can come by at 6 today. Very little patients today.
Man: What happened to the normal sized patients?
What did the doctor say to the nurse that was attractive to the patient with the staph infection?
"Why are you so abscess-ed with him?"
As a nurse, I have a patient who is very rude...
He's ill-mannered.
Why did the little birdie go to the hospital?
To get tweetment.
Why did the banana go to the doctor?
It wasn’t PEELING well.
As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, "The baby's coming! Don't stop the car! I can't make it! DON'T! CAN'T! WON'T!"
"Driver, hurry!" I implored. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"
Me: I have an appointment to see the doctor.
Nurse: which doctor?
Me: No, just the regular one
“URINE: opposite of ‘you’re out.'”
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor.
A patient came to the ER with a rash. I told her it was an allergic reaction and that I'd prescribe her steroid cream. She asked me if she'd be discharged soon.
She was really itching to get out of here.
“I tried to look up impotence on the Internet, but nothing came up.”
Wife is about to give birth.
Nurse: "I'm gonna deliver the Baby."
Dad: " Actually, we'd like him to keep his Liver"
Who's the nicest guy at the hospital?
The ultrasound guy
Doctor: Your brain seems to have deleted all info about 80s music!
Man: Yikes! What’s The Cure?
Doctor: Darn, it’s worse than I thought.
The nurse in the hospital gave me an entire crate of the wrong medicine AND it was outdated! I almost died!
I got a bad case of poison I.V.
Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
because it felt crumby.
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?
Nurse: No change yet.
Did you hear about the boy that went missing in the hospital?
Turns out he was just playing peek-a-boo ICU
There's a German butcher around the corner from the hospital.
Just in case someone takes a turn for a wurst.
A small child was brought into hospital the other day after swallowing several small toy horses.
The doctors report that he is in a stable condition.
“Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.”
Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered.
Doctor: Are you aware of your sodium intake?
Me: Na.
How do you cheer up the patients at the vegetable hospital?
Bring a sick beet.
Did you know that doctors that perform circumscisions don’t make a lot of money for those operations?
They only get paid in tips.
Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards"
Me: "And?"
Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway.
A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it:
Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Guy: "Whats the bad news?"
Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."
Guy: OMG, and the good news?
Doc: You now have a tic tac toe.
Doctor, Doctor! I'm terrified of words that are also letters!
Oh you are? I see. Why?
Why don't mining towns have hospitals?
Because everyone there only ever suffers from minor injuries.
Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains
Doctor: Pull yourself together
The other day I was lifting weights on the bench press, when I dropped the weight and it fell on my chest. The nurse said I broke three ribs but I would live. Hearing that really lifted a weight off my chest.
During labor, the nurse came up to my wife and said, “How about epidural anesthesia?”
I said, “Thanks, but we already picked a name.”
Nurse: Wow, that cut looks pretty bad...want me to stitch it up for you?
Me: No, thanks.
Nurse: Fine. Suture self.
What is a doctor's favorite element?
Healium.
How does herpes get out of the hospital ?
On crotches.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
She got a divorce the next day.
Got my nurse going into surgery today
She put the IV in my right hand, so I started texting from my left.
She said, "Wow! How can you do that?"
I responded: "I'm ambi-textrous."
2 years ago, the doctor told me I was losing my hearing.
Haven't heard from him since then.
What do you call Vietnamese animal doctors?
Vietnam Vets.
Dogs can't operate an MRI machine, but Catscan.
Why did the bunny go to the hospital?
Because he needed a hopperation.
“I don’t find health-related puns funny anymore since I started suffering from an irony deficiency.”
Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk past the pill cupboard quietly?
So she wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills.
My friend gave birth in the car on the way to the hospital
Her husband named the kid Carson.
I dated a doctor once. Big mistake.
She was a Psycho.
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