Yesterday, I bought my wife a cheese grater to use on cheddar and parmesan, both of which I hate.
It was the grater of two evils.
As my wife opened the cabinet, a coffee cup crashed on her head.
It's awful to see someone you love get mugged.
Did you know cutlery scams require the most patience?
You've got to play the long prong.
What's the best kind of pan to make sushi in?
Japan.
Did you hear about the journalist who became a sterling silver spoon salesman?
He finally found the scoop he was looking for.
It’s amazing how most jars look alike...
The resemblance is uncanny
My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl...
I said I didn't even know he could play.
Don't use raw milk to make butter
It's not worth the whisk.
Why did i murder the woman who served me a glass of wine?
Because i wanted tequila.
What do you call a stolen jar?
A free mason.
Took my giant spoon to my cooking class last night. It caused quite a stir.
What do you call a cat sitting on a platter?
A Platterpuss.
Did you hear about the dangerous alcoholic who consumed his booze from a sizzling Chinese frying pan?
He liked to drink risky on the woks
Anybody who can complete tasks atop the surface of their lower kitchen cabinets is...
counter productive.
My wife got a straw for her drink...
When she sat down, she took a sip, and frustratedly sighed "My straw has a hole in it!"
I replied "I should hope it has two!"
Why did the fork feel kinky near the spoon?
Because it was a tease spoon.
I almost got into a fight with a bendy straw.
When I put it in my drink, it tried to flex on me.
I bought this strange novelty baking pan shaped like Camelot.
I think I'll break it in by making a castlerole.
Mark Knopfler is opening a Chinese restaurant
He's calling it Wok of Life.
My friend has an excellent nose for wine...
It's shaped like a corkscrew!
If you try to stretch a fork to see if it breaks...
Are you testing its utensil strength?
I decided to try growing pot...
So I buried a saucepan in my yard. I hear it takes no skillet all.
Did you hear about the new WiFi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
I came to a fork in the road.
I proceeded to pick it up.
Why can't we make jokes about the cutlery incident?
It's too spoon.
When my doc said that my kitchenware diet was bad for my bowels, I crapped my pans.
What do you call a bad cheese grater?
A cheese lesser.
I was walking home last night through the park, when this scary looking kid drew a knife on me...
The little brat used a permanent marker and it was a bastard to wash it off.
How do you make cheese even better?
You use a cheese grater of course!
What do you call a chicken looking at a bowl of lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
Why did the police arrest a cup of snow?
For just-ice
Why did the pony ask for a glass of water?
Because he felt like he was a little horse.
I have a phobia of using the wrong amounts of ingredients when I’m cooking
So I’ve been taking measures to deal with it.
How did the cutlery greet the steak?
Knife to meat you!
The guests were already at the door and we realized we forgot to make dessert. As a last-minute resort, my wife took the skillet, spread some frosting on it and said,
"Pancake".
What's a chef's favourite drug?
Pot.
I gave my dad a mug for his birthday
It said "World's greatest dad". When I gave it to him he looked kind of insulted. Is something wrong with it I asked? He replied, "You spelled 'dad' backwards"
Got a puncture in my tyre the other day. Think it was at the fork in the road.
I left my job at the Chinese restaurant and took my favourite frying pan, until I heard the owner yell...
"Don’t wok away from me!"
Last night while cooking, my serving spoon's handle broke off. My husband walked in and said:
How very un-ladle-like!
Why did Don Corleone send back the plate for his coffee cup?
Someone gave him a saucer he could not reuse.
I heard this pun about a cheese grater the other day...
It was a grate joke.
I must say, my wife's cooking has really improved.
That was the best slice of soup I've ever had.
I was watching an Australian cooking show recently and the audience began applauding when the chef made meringue. Which is odd because...
Australians usually boo meringue.
I used to be part of a ten pin league. Our team name was 'Bowl Movement'.
What's the best type of spoon?
I'll tell you ladle.
What happens when you drink beer from a cup?
You both get drunk.
What side of the mug is the handle on?
The outside.
I lost a cooking challenge once for not completing the dish.
I ran out of thyme.
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It is an extremely rare dish order.
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