Had to my dinner with just a knife and spoon last night...
It wasn't easy, but that's a fork-gone conclusion.
What is the dish that likes using the light switch?
StrogONOFF
I was boiling vegetables in the saucepan the other day when my wife went to move it...
I said careful, it’s got a leek in it.
My wife got a straw for her drink...
When she sat down, she took a sip, and frustratedly sighed "My straw has a hole in it!"
I replied "I should hope it has two!"
Cooking always puts my wife in a bad mood...
She beats the eggs and whips the cream.
How do you make garlic toast? Lift your glass and talk about the wonderful things it has done.
Why does the superhero shred his cheese?
For the grater good.
Asked my friend why a knife is his favourite utensil.
He said “a spoon and a fork just don’t cut it”.
Why did i murder the woman who served me a glass of wine?
Because i wanted tequila.
What happens when you drink beer from a cup?
You both get drunk.
What do you call a cat sitting on a platter?
A Platterpuss.
"This is the last straw!"
I shouted to my wife as I put it in my drink...
My wife just threw out our computer, shattering all the glass.
I guess she doesn’t like windows.
I must say, my wife's cooking has really improved.
That was the best slice of soup I've ever had.
My friend showed me how he keeps his expensive butcher knife sharp.
I thought it was pretty cleaver.
I was walking home last night through the park, when this scary looking kid drew a knife on me...
The little brat used a permanent marker and it was a bastard to wash it off.
Did you know there are exactly 239 beans in Irish stew?
Any more and it would be two farty...
What did the astronaut see in his frying pan?
An Unidentified Frying Object.
I lost my kid in the kitchenware section of Ikea today.
It was a pans labyrinth.
When I was a student, I was worried that my housemates would be annoyed if I ran off with some of their kitchen utemsils. But that was a whisk I was willing to take.
My favorite restaurant started serving a superhero-themed skillet breakfast.
Turns out it was just The Flash in a pan.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
What the Poland man did, after adding German mugs to his collection?
He polished them.
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It is an extremely rare dish order.
Did you hear about the journalist who became a sterling silver spoon salesman?
He finally found the scoop he was looking for.
What do you call a chicken looking at a bowl of lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
Got emotional hearing about the role of tectonic plates in earthquakes. It was really moving.
I was on a flight and I asked for a glass of water. The cabin crew asked “still?” I said “well, I haven’t changed my mind”.
I used to have an electric wok but I had to get rid of it
Wouldn’t run.
Who will lead the army of drawing utensils?
The ruler.
I bought a complete set of kitchen utensils off an infomercial. I was frustrated that there was nothing to mix my eggs...
...but to be fair, they did say it was whisk-free offer.
I said to her, are going to eat that whole plate of spaghetti??
She said: no, it's in pasta bowl
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time
My dad kept calling referring to this mason jar as his “boom box”.
When I asked him why, he responded “I use it for all my jams!”
Which drawing utensil is the fastest?
The e-racer.
I downloaded a colander app instead of a calendar and now my battery keeps draining.
When you lick the icing off a spoon are you defrosting it?
Will glass coffins ever become popular?
This remains to be seen.
What does a straw and a view have in common?
You can get a paper straw and you can also get pay per view.
What did the cake say to start the fight with the fork?
You want a piece of me?
I found a cutlery dispenser that doesn’t work properly
No forks were given.
Did you know cutlery scams require the most patience?
You've got to play the long prong.
Local glass blower inhaled whilst working. He ended up with a pane in his stomach.
My wife wants to start selling kitchenware online.
I just don't see it panning out.
My bedroom now has a stained glass window....
A pigeon just flew right into it.
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time.
Got a puncture in my tyre the other day. Think it was at the fork in the road.
Why do Christians in Japan always put an extra cup at the table?
For God's sake.
My car keeps telling me my door is ajar. It's not a jar you idiot it's a door.
I’ve been experimenting with attaching various kitchen utensils to my power drill
I got mixed results.
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