My dad kept calling referring to this mason jar as his “boom box”.
When I asked him why, he responded “I use it for all my jams!”
Did you hear about the dangerous alcoholic who consumed his booze from a sizzling Chinese frying pan?
He liked to drink risky on the woks
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
My friend just got 3 kittens named Spoon, Fork, and Knife. When I asked why those names, they smiled and said, "Isn't it obvious?"
"They're catlery"
Once we had a cooking exam. After I finished, teacher said, that it was well done
But I made Medium Rare.
What did the glass say to the window?
"I'm in pane."
I'm going around with a bent knife, so that when I'm short on time, I can cut corners.
My wife asked, “Honey, could you reach that dish on the top shelf? It’s too high for me.”
It was a challenge, but I stepped up to the plate.
Why was the jar about to explode?
Cause it was jam-packed!
Last night while cooking, my serving spoon's handle broke off. My husband walked in and said:
How very un-ladle-like!
If you try to stretch a fork to see if it breaks...
Are you testing its utensil strength?
How did Michael Jackson revolutionize cooking in space?
Moon Wok!
What did the astronaut see in his frying pan?
An Unidentified Frying Object.
I put my root beer in a square glass
Now I just have beer
Did you know there are exactly 239 beans in Irish stew?
Any more and it would be two farty...
How do you make cheese even better?
You use a cheese grater of course!
My car keeps telling me my door is ajar. It's not a jar you idiot it's a door.
Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of muesli?
He was dragged down by a currant..
What do you call a cat sitting on a platter?
A Platterpuss.
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
It's half empty.
My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl...
I said I didn't even know he could play.
My friend showed me how he keeps his expensive butcher knife sharp.
I thought it was pretty cleaver.
When whisking something, do it with caution.
It’s whisky business.
What do you call a knife that cuts 4 loaves of Irish bread at once?
A four loaf cleaver!
My friend has an excellent nose for wine...
It's shaped like a corkscrew!
What did the plate say to the refrigerator?
"Stay cool. Dinner's on me"
I was boiling vegetables in the saucepan the other day when my wife went to move it...
I said careful, it’s got a leek in it.
Who will lead the army of drawing utensils?
The ruler.
Will glass coffins ever become popular?
This remains to be seen.
A plate of sandwiches walks into a bar. The barman says “we don’t serve food”.
My wife got a straw for her drink...
When she sat down, she took a sip, and frustratedly sighed "My straw has a hole in it!"
I replied "I should hope it has two!"
So I heard this joke about glass
But it clearly shouldn’t have been made
A piece of cheese sees his cheese friend looking a little disheveled. “Are you OK?” he asks.
“I’ve felt grater”, his friend coughed.
What do you call a decent cup of coffee?
Just an average joe.
My wife won a large ceramic pot
She definitely urned it.
What happened to your arm, Greg? And why are you eating that giant bowl of herbs?
"You know what they say, Margaret"
"Thyme heals all wounds".
Cooking a Hawaiian pizza and don't want to burn it?
Be sure to cook it at aloha temperature.
When I was a student, I was worried that my housemates would be annoyed if I ran off with some of their kitchen utemsils. But that was a whisk I was willing to take.
I was looking forward to eat my rice bowl.
But my brother, like always, ate them. And now he's experiencing really bad headaches.
I guess it's because he has a history of having my-grains.
What do you call a stolen jar?
A free mason.
What do you call a cap to a jar that doesn't fit?
An invalid.
One of my kitchen utensils seems to be playing classical music.
Think it’s the Chopin board.
Yesterday, I bought my wife a cheese grater to use on cheddar and parmesan, both of which I hate.
It was the grater of two evils.
Got emotional hearing about the role of tectonic plates in earthquakes. It was really moving.
What's the difference between chemistry and cooking
In chemistry you should never lick the spoon.
I almost got into a fight with a bendy straw.
When I put it in my drink, it tried to flex on me.
I've decided to stop being a fork and become a spoon.
I just woke up one day and didn't see the point anymore.
If I put dull-tasting food in a bowl, will it have a bowlder taste?
Where do you bury dead cutlery?
In it's final resting plates.
I saw an Italian man cooking pasta with a flame thrower.
I cannoli imagine what he was thinking.
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