I almost got into a fight with a bendy straw.
When I put it in my drink, it tried to flex on me.
I was walking home last night through the park, when this scary looking kid drew a knife on me...
The little brat used a permanent marker and it was a bastard to wash it off.
It’s amazing how most jars look alike...
The resemblance is uncanny
Part of my alphabetised tea set recently got possessed by a demon.
I’m sure it’s saucer ‘E’.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging.
Since then, my muggings have been far more successful.
I downloaded a colander app instead of a calendar and now my battery keeps draining.
If you missed essential tomato cooking class
You can’t ketchup.
What's a chef's favourite drug?
Pot.
I was serving my friend a roast in my tiny shoebox apartment. He boasted that he could cook the same dish in a mere two hours...
But I cooked it in a minute flat.
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It is an extremely rare dish order.
What's the best kind of pan to make sushi in?
Japan.
So my daughter is calling me all excited. I come by her room to her holding her cup above her head and says "Dad look..."
"I'm breathing underwater."
I was cutting cheese into very small pieces with a knife. The knife was great but a machine to help would’ve been grater.
Which drawing utensil is the fastest?
The e-racer.
My wife wants to start selling kitchenware online.
I just don't see it panning out.
How do you make cheese even better?
You use a cheese grater of course!
What did the glass say to the window?
"I'm in pane."
What do you call a stolen jar?
A free mason.
Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of muesli?
He was dragged down by a currant..
I bought a complete set of kitchen utensils off an infomercial. I was frustrated that there was nothing to mix my eggs...
...but to be fair, they did say it was whisk-free offer.
They’ve started a collection to open a pool near me. I gave them a glass of water.
A kitchen knife and fork had a race. Who won? Neither, it ended in a drawer.
I came home and found my wife naked, except for a porcelain mug on each breast.
She said she was a t-cup.
Did you hear about the spoon? It caused quite a stir!
I was looking forward to eat my rice bowl.
But my brother, like always, ate them. And now he's experiencing really bad headaches.
I guess it's because he has a history of having my-grains.
What do you call a bad cheese grater?
A cheese lesser.
I said to her, are going to eat that whole plate of spaghetti??
She said: no, it's in pasta bowl
How do you call clothings for spoons?
Silverwear
What did the cake say to start the fight with the fork?
You want a piece of me?
Did you hear about the dangerous alcoholic who consumed his booze from a sizzling Chinese frying pan?
He liked to drink risky on the woks
The guests were already at the door and we realized we forgot to make dessert. As a last-minute resort, my wife took the skillet, spread some frosting on it and said,
"Pancake".
Mark Knopfler is opening a Chinese restaurant
He's calling it Wok of Life.
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time
As my wife opened the cabinet, a coffee cup crashed on her head.
It's awful to see someone you love get mugged.
I was watching a new cooking show where you only get to pick one pan to use the whole time…
It's called, "Do You Have The Skillet Takes?!"
What side of the mug is the handle on?
The outside.
Why did Don Corleone send back the plate for his coffee cup?
Someone gave him a saucer he could not reuse.
I used to have an electric wok but I had to get rid of it
Wouldn’t run.
Cops should feed beans on very tiny plates to the suspects they're interrogating.
That way they're always gonna end up spilling the beans.
Be careful what you say about those plates in the cabinet.
They're stacked.
I always remember to eat my soup with a spoon.
It’s un-fork-edible.
Where do you bury dead cutlery?
In it's final resting plates.
I ate a spoon of food color...
Now i'm dying inside.
Why did the blind man always use paper cups?
He has no need for glasses.
Why did the pony ask for a glass of water?
Because he felt like he was a little horse.
What do you call a knife that cuts 4 loaves of Irish bread at once?
A four loaf cleaver!
What did the cutlery maker say when he lost some metal?
Silverware?!
I bought this strange novelty baking pan shaped like Camelot.
I think I'll break it in by making a castlerole.
What is the dish that likes using the light switch?
StrogONOFF
How do cups get their money?
They mug people.
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