How do Chinese people make cutlery?
They chopsticks.
My wife wants to start selling kitchenware online.
I just don't see it panning out.
You could say I have an hour glass figure
It takes me an hour to figure out where my glasses are!
My friend showed me how he keeps his expensive butcher knife sharp.
I thought it was pretty cleaver.
What do you call a decent cup of coffee?
Just an average joe.
My car keeps telling me my door is ajar. It's not a jar you idiot it's a door.
Why did the police arrest a cup of snow?
For just-ice
I’ve been experimenting with attaching various kitchen utensils to my power drill
I got mixed results.
Who will lead the army of drawing utensils?
The ruler.
Where do you bury dead cutlery?
In it's final resting plates.
My son told me he can drink a whole glass a whiskey straight.
Personally, I think it's neat.
What do you call a cat sitting on a platter?
A Platterpuss.
My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl...
I said I didn't even know he could play.
I was on a flight and I asked for a glass of water. The cabin crew asked “still?” I said “well, I haven’t changed my mind”.
Got emotional hearing about the role of tectonic plates in earthquakes. It was really moving.
What does a straw and a view have in common?
You can get a paper straw and you can also get pay per view.
Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist. While you were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.
The Opportunist.
How do cups get their money?
They mug people.
Will glass coffins ever become popular?
This remains to be seen.
What do you call a glass dinosaur?
Pyrex.
I met a man with a glass eye this morning...
He didn’t tell me, it just came out in the conversation
I went into the kitchen and found that someone replaced all the cutting utensils with spoons
That wasn't knife.
I used to be part of a ten pin league. Our team name was 'Bowl Movement'.
What is the national dish of Sweden?
Swedish.
Mark Knopfler is opening a Chinese restaurant
He's calling it Wok of Life.
Why were the utensils stuck together?
They were spooning.
When I was a student, I was worried that my housemates would be annoyed if I ran off with some of their kitchen utemsils. But that was a whisk I was willing to take.
I said to her, are going to eat that whole plate of spaghetti??
She said: no, it's in pasta bowl
What do you call someone who labels jars of body parts?
An organiser.
My favorite restaurant started serving a superhero-themed skillet breakfast.
Turns out it was just The Flash in a pan.
What's a chef's favourite drug?
Pot.
I got tired of fighting straw...
So I hit the hay.
I saw an Italian man cooking pasta with a flame thrower.
I cannoli imagine what he was thinking.
Is plate throwing a trully Olympic sport?
Discuss.
Don't use raw milk to make butter
It's not worth the whisk.
Two flies are playing football on a saucer.
They’re practicing for the cup.
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
It's half empty.
Why can't we make jokes about the cutlery incident?
It's too spoon.
Have you ever tried sticking a fork in a socket?
The results may shock you
What did the glass say to the window?
"I'm in pane."
The other day a man tried to mug me with a blunt knife...
It was pointless.
So I heard this joke about glass
But it clearly shouldn’t have been made
I used to have an electric wok but I had to get rid of it
Wouldn’t run.
I was walking home last night through the park, when this scary looking kid drew a knife on me...
The little brat used a permanent marker and it was a bastard to wash it off.
I was cutting cheese into very small pieces with a knife. The knife was great but a machine to help would’ve been grater.
My wife won a large ceramic pot
She definitely urned it.
Be careful what you say about those plates in the cabinet.
They're stacked.
My bedroom now has a stained glass window....
A pigeon just flew right into it.
Why can't you use a wooden spoon in a Teflon pan?
Because its non stick.
So my brother is grating cheese for a dip. He looks up and says,
"I'm the gratest."
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