What's the difference between chemistry and cooking
In chemistry you should never lick the spoon.
I met a man with a glass eye this morning...
He didn’t tell me, it just came out in the conversation
Why can't you use a wooden spoon in a Teflon pan?
Because its non stick.
What did the cake say to start the fight with the fork?
You want a piece of me?
I used to be part of a ten pin league. Our team name was 'Bowl Movement'.
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It is an extremely rare dish order.
My son took his jar collection way too far
When I came home from work I thought the house was robbed because the door was ajar.
What did the home owner say to the mug shot when he put it up on his wall
"You've been framed!"
When whisking something, do it with caution.
It’s whisky business.
What the Poland man did, after adding German mugs to his collection?
He polished them.
My kids say my cooking is incredible...
with a silent 'cr'
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
Someone threw a jar of mayo at me
I yelled what the Hellmann?!
My kid was having trouble with the peanut butter because the jar was too deep and the knife was too short
I tried to help, but I couldn’t get to the bottom of it
My dad kept calling referring to this mason jar as his “boom box”.
When I asked him why, he responded “I use it for all my jams!”
My son asked me where the pan was.
I told him, naturally, it went on a wok.
I didn't get this "World's Greatest Dad" mug for nothing.
It cost $14.99
I was on the road yesterday with my metal detector looking for some cutlery....
I found plenty of spoons and knives but I didn't stop, until I hit a fork in the road.
What do you call a monk who steals a grilled cheese sandwich right off the griddle?
Out of the frying pan and into the friar.
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time.
The barman in the pub looked over at me said, "Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?" "
Why would I want two empty glasses?" I asked
So my brother is grating cheese for a dip. He looks up and says,
"I'm the gratest."
Why did i murder the woman who served me a glass of wine?
Because i wanted tequila.
I decided to try growing pot...
So I buried a saucepan in my yard. I hear it takes no skillet all.
Be careful what you say about those plates in the cabinet.
They're stacked.
Do you know why the boy didn't want to become a cheese slicer like his brother?
He wanted to become a grater man.
Which drawing utensil is the fastest?
The e-racer.
What's the best kind of pan to make sushi in?
Japan.
Cooking a Hawaiian pizza and don't want to burn it?
Be sure to cook it at aloha temperature.
My friend has an excellent nose for wine...
It's shaped like a corkscrew!
Why was the cheese happy in the kitchen?
He thought he was grater than everyone else.
Asked my friend why a knife is his favourite utensil.
He said “a spoon and a fork just don’t cut it”.
Got emotional hearing about the role of tectonic plates in earthquakes. It was really moving.
What do you call a chicken looking at a bowl of lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
Justice is a dish best served cold
Because otherwise it would be justwater.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms
Part of my alphabetised tea set recently got possessed by a demon.
I’m sure it’s saucer ‘E’.
I left my job at the Chinese restaurant and took my favourite frying pan, until I heard the owner yell...
"Don’t wok away from me!"
Anybody who can complete tasks atop the surface of their lower kitchen cabinets is...
counter productive.
What do you call a cap to a jar that doesn't fit?
An invalid.
"This is the last straw!"
I shouted to my wife as I put it in my drink...
What's the best type of spoon?
I'll tell you ladle.
What is the national dish of Sweden?
Swedish.
I bought a complete set of kitchen utensils off an infomercial. I was frustrated that there was nothing to mix my eggs...
...but to be fair, they did say it was whisk-free offer.
It’s amazing how most jars look alike...
The resemblance is uncanny
What do you call it when you have to quickly eat a beef dish wrapped in pastry crust?
A brief Wellington
When I was a student, I was worried that my housemates would be annoyed if I ran off with some of their kitchen utemsils. But that was a whisk I was willing to take.
My wife wants to start selling kitchenware online.
I just don't see it panning out.
Cooking is bad for my anxiety.
I had to throw away my pressure cooker.
What did the plate say to the refrigerator?
"Stay cool. Dinner's on me"
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