I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging.
Since then, my muggings have been far more successful.
What do you call a chicken looking at a bowl of lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
My friend showed me how he keeps his expensive butcher knife sharp.
I thought it was pretty cleaver.
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
Did you know cutlery scams require the most patience?
You've got to play the long prong.
Almost dropped a plate of Alphabeti Spaghetti. That could have spelled disaster.
I'm going around with a bent knife, so that when I'm short on time, I can cut corners.
"Can you help me get this pots and pans drawer in order? Something seems stuck here", My wife said one morning.
To which I said, "Sure honey, I hope this pans out"
A piece of cheese sees his cheese friend looking a little disheveled. “Are you OK?” he asks.
“I’ve felt grater”, his friend coughed.
I just landed a job at a local Asian restaurant.
All I had to do was wok in for my interview!
Why were the utensils stuck together?
They were spooning.
The barman in the pub looked over at me said, "Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?" "
Why would I want two empty glasses?" I asked
Why does the superhero shred his cheese?
For the grater good.
My kid was having trouble with the peanut butter because the jar was too deep and the knife was too short
I tried to help, but I couldn’t get to the bottom of it
So my brother is grating cheese for a dip. He looks up and says,
"I'm the gratest."
My son took his jar collection way too far
When I came home from work I thought the house was robbed because the door was ajar.
If you try to stretch a fork to see if it breaks...
Are you testing its utensil strength?
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
It's half empty.
Why did the police arrest a cup of snow?
For just-ice
What side of the mug is the handle on?
The outside.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms
Cooking always puts my wife in a bad mood...
She beats the eggs and whips the cream.
If I put dull-tasting food in a bowl, will it have a bowlder taste?
A plate of sandwiches walks into a bar. The barman says “we don’t serve food”.
If you missed essential tomato cooking class
You can’t ketchup.
My bedroom now has a stained glass window....
A pigeon just flew right into it.
I didn't get this "World's Greatest Dad" mug for nothing.
It cost $14.99
why did the spoon show up dressed as a knife ?
Invitation said to look sharp.
Why didn’t the cheese want to get sliced?
It had grater plans.
What happened to your arm, Greg? And why are you eating that giant bowl of herbs?
"You know what they say, Margaret"
"Thyme heals all wounds".
I decided to try growing pot...
So I buried a saucepan in my yard. I hear it takes no skillet all.
My wife threw a saucer at me because I hadn't completed the science project of our kid until then. Interestingly, he won first prize at school for presenting...
a Flying Saucer.
I always remember to eat my soup with a spoon.
It’s un-fork-edible.
I was on the road yesterday with my metal detector looking for some cutlery....
I found plenty of spoons and knives but I didn't stop, until I hit a fork in the road.
I said to her, are going to eat that whole plate of spaghetti??
She said: no, it's in pasta bowl
I found my friend using a round-edged knife to cut his steak
it wasn't really sharp of him.
I was at a party last night, waiting my turn to get to the punch bowl.
Everyone was being very polite, patient and not barging in. I thought to myself, "At last...
a decent punchline"
When whisking something, do it with caution.
It’s whisky business.
As my wife opened the cabinet, a coffee cup crashed on her head.
It's awful to see someone you love get mugged.
My wife wants to start selling kitchenware online.
I just don't see it panning out.
How do Chinese people make cutlery?
They chopsticks.
Who will lead the army of drawing utensils?
The ruler.
Turned down an opportunity to invest in a company making frosted glass balls. Couldn’t see any future in it.
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
I must say, my wife's cooking has really improved.
That was the best slice of soup I've ever had.
Cube cheese is good, and slices are fine...
But personally I think shredded is grater.
Be careful what you say about those plates in the cabinet.
They're stacked.
How did Michael Jackson revolutionize cooking in space?
Moon Wok!
My son asked me where the pan was.
I told him, naturally, it went on a wok.
I downloaded a colander app instead of a calendar and now my battery keeps draining.
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