I found my friend using a round-edged knife to cut his steak
it wasn't really sharp of him.
Is plate throwing a trully Olympic sport?
Discuss.
What's the best kind of pan to make sushi in?
Japan.
What do you call a glass dinosaur?
Pyrex.
Was arguing with a friend in a restaurant recently when the waiter ran over and took the plate of garlic bread and the coleslaw. I wish he’d stop taking sides.
I tried smoking pot once.
I choked on the handle.
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It is an extremely rare dish order.
I bought a complete set of kitchen utensils off an infomercial. I was frustrated that there was nothing to mix my eggs...
...but to be fair, they did say it was whisk-free offer.
What do you call someone who labels jars of body parts?
An organiser.
Had to my dinner with just a knife and spoon last night...
It wasn't easy, but that's a fork-gone conclusion.
Did you hear about the journalist who became a sterling silver spoon salesman?
He finally found the scoop he was looking for.
Cooking is bad for my anxiety.
I had to throw away my pressure cooker.
What do you call a bad cheese grater?
A cheese lesser.
My kids say my cooking is incredible...
with a silent 'cr'
How do you make garlic toast? Lift your glass and talk about the wonderful things it has done.
What do you call a chicken looking at a bowl of lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
How do you call clothings for spoons?
Silverwear
I used to be part of a ten pin league. Our team name was 'Bowl Movement'.
I was cutting cheese into very small pieces with a knife. The knife was great but a machine to help would’ve been grater.
I downloaded a colander app instead of a calendar and now my battery keeps draining.
I said to her, are going to eat that whole plate of spaghetti??
She said: no, it's in pasta bowl
The guests were already at the door and we realized we forgot to make dessert. As a last-minute resort, my wife took the skillet, spread some frosting on it and said,
"Pancake".
Someone stole my cutlery set, but we were unable to identify the thief
It was stainless steel.
I was watching an Australian cooking show recently and the audience began applauding when the chef made meringue. Which is odd because...
Australians usually boo meringue.
My girlfriend was arrested for assault using an iron skillet
We'll see how this pans out but I think she's fried.
Be careful what you say about those plates in the cabinet.
They're stacked.
Why did the pony ask for a glass of water?
Because he felt like he was a little horse.
I was at a party last night, waiting my turn to get to the punch bowl.
Everyone was being very polite, patient and not barging in. I thought to myself, "At last...
a decent punchline"
My wife just threw out our computer, shattering all the glass.
I guess she doesn’t like windows.
Asked my friend why a knife is his favourite utensil.
He said “a spoon and a fork just don’t cut it”.
My dad kept calling referring to this mason jar as his “boom box”.
When I asked him why, he responded “I use it for all my jams!”
Did you hear about the dangerous alcoholic who consumed his booze from a sizzling Chinese frying pan?
He liked to drink risky on the woks
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
My friend just got 3 kittens named Spoon, Fork, and Knife. When I asked why those names, they smiled and said, "Isn't it obvious?"
"They're catlery"
Once we had a cooking exam. After I finished, teacher said, that it was well done
But I made Medium Rare.
What did the glass say to the window?
"I'm in pane."
I'm going around with a bent knife, so that when I'm short on time, I can cut corners.
My wife asked, “Honey, could you reach that dish on the top shelf? It’s too high for me.”
It was a challenge, but I stepped up to the plate.
Why was the jar about to explode?
Cause it was jam-packed!
Last night while cooking, my serving spoon's handle broke off. My husband walked in and said:
How very un-ladle-like!
If you try to stretch a fork to see if it breaks...
Are you testing its utensil strength?
How did Michael Jackson revolutionize cooking in space?
Moon Wok!
What did the astronaut see in his frying pan?
An Unidentified Frying Object.
I put my root beer in a square glass
Now I just have beer
Did you know there are exactly 239 beans in Irish stew?
Any more and it would be two farty...
How do you make cheese even better?
You use a cheese grater of course!
My car keeps telling me my door is ajar. It's not a jar you idiot it's a door.
Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of muesli?
He was dragged down by a currant..
What do you call a cat sitting on a platter?
A Platterpuss.
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
It's half empty.
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