As my wife opened the cabinet, a coffee cup crashed on her head.
It's awful to see someone you love get mugged.
A plate of sandwiches walks into a bar. The barman says “we don’t serve food”.
Did you know cutlery scams require the most patience?
You've got to play the long prong.
Local glass blower inhaled whilst working. He ended up with a pane in his stomach.
What happened to your arm, Greg? And why are you eating that giant bowl of herbs?
"You know what they say, Margaret"
"Thyme heals all wounds".
Once we had a cooking exam. After I finished, teacher said, that it was well done
But I made Medium Rare.
A baker fell down the stairs with a platter full of cookies.
As they say, that's the way the cookies crumbled.
My son took his jar collection way too far
When I came home from work I thought the house was robbed because the door was ajar.
I used to be part of a ten pin league. Our team name was 'Bowl Movement'.
Why can't you use a wooden spoon in a Teflon pan?
Because its non stick.
What do you call a monk who steals a grilled cheese sandwich right off the griddle?
Out of the frying pan and into the friar.
If you missed essential tomato cooking class
You can’t ketchup.
My friend just got 3 kittens named Spoon, Fork, and Knife. When I asked why those names, they smiled and said, "Isn't it obvious?"
"They're catlery"
"Can you help me get this pots and pans drawer in order? Something seems stuck here", My wife said one morning.
To which I said, "Sure honey, I hope this pans out"
I bought a complete set of kitchen utensils off an infomercial. I was frustrated that there was nothing to mix my eggs...
...but to be fair, they did say it was whisk-free offer.
Why was the cheese happy in the kitchen?
He thought he was grater than everyone else.
I bought this strange novelty baking pan shaped like Camelot.
I think I'll break it in by making a castlerole.
I saw an Italian man cooking pasta with a flame thrower.
I cannoli imagine what he was thinking.
I forgot my fork so tried to eat my lunch with just a spoon. It was pointless.
What did the plate say to the refrigerator?
"Stay cool. Dinner's on me"
What is the dish that likes using the light switch?
StrogONOFF
They’ve started a collection to open a pool near me. I gave them a glass of water.
Did you hear about the journalist who became a sterling silver spoon salesman?
He finally found the scoop he was looking for.
I was watching a new cooking show where you only get to pick one pan to use the whole time…
It's called, "Do You Have The Skillet Takes?!"
Someone threw a jar of mayo at me
I yelled what the Hellmann?!
Why didn’t the cheese want to get sliced?
It had grater plans.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms
So my daughter is calling me all excited. I come by her room to her holding her cup above her head and says "Dad look..."
"I'm breathing underwater."
I was cutting cheese into very small pieces with a knife. The knife was great but a machine to help would’ve been grater.
My bedroom now has a stained glass window....
A pigeon just flew right into it.
When I was a student, I was worried that my housemates would be annoyed if I ran off with some of their kitchen utemsils. But that was a whisk I was willing to take.
A piece of cheese sees his cheese friend looking a little disheveled. “Are you OK?” he asks.
“I’ve felt grater”, his friend coughed.
I came home and found my wife naked, except for a porcelain mug on each breast.
She said she was a t-cup.
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It is an extremely rare dish order.
What do you call a cat sitting on a platter?
A Platterpuss.
What did the cutlery maker say when he lost some metal?
Silverware?!
Why did the fork feel kinky near the spoon?
Because it was a tease spoon.
What do you call a collection of bones made out of kitchenware?
A skillet-ton.
I went into the kitchen and found that someone replaced all the cutting utensils with spoons
That wasn't knife.
Cube cheese is good, and slices are fine...
But personally I think shredded is grater.
My friend has an excellent nose for wine...
It's shaped like a corkscrew!
How do you call a straw used for drinking orangeade?
Fantastick.
I was on the road yesterday with my metal detector looking for some cutlery....
I found plenty of spoons and knives but I didn't stop, until I hit a fork in the road.
I almost got into a fight with a bendy straw.
When I put it in my drink, it tried to flex on me.
I thought I checkmated my dad with my new glass set in chess...
But he saw right through it
What is the national dish of Sweden?
Swedish.
So I heard this joke about glass
But it clearly shouldn’t have been made
I gave my dad a mug for his birthday
It said "World's greatest dad". When I gave it to him he looked kind of insulted. Is something wrong with it I asked? He replied, "You spelled 'dad' backwards"
I really hate straws.
They suck.
My wife asked, “Honey, could you reach that dish on the top shelf? It’s too high for me.”
It was a challenge, but I stepped up to the plate.
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