Wife is frying a lot of mushrooms in a tiny pan.
Me: Doesn't look like you have mushroom left in there.
Did you hear about the nun who got into trouble for drinking communion wine from her convent's medieval goblet?
No, but it serves her rite.
My husband Ronnald asked me what do monkeys wear when cooking.
I said, "an aperon".
Someone threw a jar of mayo at me
I yelled what the Hellmann?!
I was washing the dishes today and got so frustrated I screamed into a collander.
I think I strained my voice.
Did you hear about the fellow who threw away his new iron skillet?
It smelt funny...
What do you call someone who labels jars of body parts?
An organiser.
Why did the police arrest a cup of snow?
For just-ice
I bought a complete set of kitchen utensils off an infomercial. I was frustrated that there was nothing to mix my eggs...
...but to be fair, they did say it was whisk-free offer.
"Can you help me get this pots and pans drawer in order? Something seems stuck here", My wife said one morning.
To which I said, "Sure honey, I hope this pans out"
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It is an extremely rare dish order.
I bought this strange novelty baking pan shaped like Camelot.
I think I'll break it in by making a castlerole.
Did you know there are exactly 239 beans in Irish stew?
Any more and it would be two farty...
Have you ever tried sticking a fork in a socket?
The results may shock you
If I put dull-tasting food in a bowl, will it have a bowlder taste?
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
Got emotional hearing about the role of tectonic plates in earthquakes. It was really moving.
What do you call a stolen jar?
A free mason.
Cube cheese is good, and slices are fine...
But personally I think shredded is grater.
Minding my own business, when someone I thought was my friend threw a serving plate full of bumblebees at me.
I was bee-trayed.
What side of the mug is the handle on?
The outside.
My car keeps telling me my door is ajar. It's not a jar you idiot it's a door.
What will a chinese grill use when a wok is too slow
A wun.
Did you hear about the journalist who became a sterling silver spoon salesman?
He finally found the scoop he was looking for.
What do you call a collection of bones made out of kitchenware?
A skillet-ton.
My favorite restaurant started serving a superhero-themed skillet breakfast.
Turns out it was just The Flash in a pan.
I was boiling vegetables in the saucepan the other day when my wife went to move it...
I said careful, it’s got a leek in it.
My wife asked, “Honey, could you reach that dish on the top shelf? It’s too high for me.”
It was a challenge, but I stepped up to the plate.
So my daughter is calling me all excited. I come by her room to her holding her cup above her head and says "Dad look..."
"I'm breathing underwater."
I found my friend using a round-edged knife to cut his steak
it wasn't really sharp of him.
Why was the door glass?
Because the door was ajar
What do you call a chicken looking at a bowl of lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
I heard this pun about a cheese grater the other day...
It was a grate joke.
I decided to try growing pot...
So I buried a saucepan in my yard. I hear it takes no skillet all.
The guests were already at the door and we realized we forgot to make dessert. As a last-minute resort, my wife took the skillet, spread some frosting on it and said,
"Pancake".
Local glass blower inhaled whilst working. He ended up with a pane in his stomach.
Don't use raw milk to make butter
It's not worth the whisk.
What did the plate say to the fork? Lunch is on me.
Once we had a cooking exam. After I finished, teacher said, that it was well done
But I made Medium Rare.
Cops should feed beans on very tiny plates to the suspects they're interrogating.
That way they're always gonna end up spilling the beans.
My eating utensils were forged from forged steel, so don't mess with me or I'll fork you up.
I was at a party last night, waiting my turn to get to the punch bowl.
Everyone was being very polite, patient and not barging in. I thought to myself, "At last...
a decent punchline"
I’ve been experimenting with attaching various kitchen utensils to my power drill
I got mixed results.
What did the glass say to the window?
"I'm in pane."
They were losing the battle, until they started chucking the tops of kitchen cupboards at the enemy.
It was a counter attack.
If you missed essential tomato cooking class
You can’t ketchup.
I'm taking indian cooking classes, because
I'm just so curryous about it.
I'm going around with a bent knife, so that when I'm short on time, I can cut corners.
Mark Knopfler is opening a Chinese restaurant
He's calling it Wok of Life.
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