Where do you bury dead cutlery?
In it's final resting plates.
What did the home owner say to the mug shot when he put it up on his wall
"You've been framed!"
I came to a fork in the road.
I proceeded to pick it up.
My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl...
I said I didn't even know he could play.
I came home and found my wife naked, except for a porcelain mug on each breast.
She said she was a t-cup.
They were losing the battle, until they started chucking the tops of kitchen cupboards at the enemy.
It was a counter attack.
What do you call a stolen jar?
A free mason.
Be careful what you say about those plates in the cabinet.
They're stacked.
Why did i murder the woman who served me a glass of wine?
Because i wanted tequila.
I was looking forward to eat my rice bowl.
But my brother, like always, ate them. And now he's experiencing really bad headaches.
I guess it's because he has a history of having my-grains.
I’ve been experimenting with attaching various kitchen utensils to my power drill
I got mixed results.
My girlfriend was arrested for assault using an iron skillet
We'll see how this pans out but I think she's fried.
Someone took all my straw
What a Hay-nous act!
Cops should feed beans on very tiny plates to the suspects they're interrogating.
That way they're always gonna end up spilling the beans.
What's a chef's favourite drug?
Pot.
Do you know why the boy didn't want to become a cheese slicer like his brother?
He wanted to become a grater man.
My wife got a straw for her drink...
When she sat down, she took a sip, and frustratedly sighed "My straw has a hole in it!"
I replied "I should hope it has two!"
"Can you help me get this pots and pans drawer in order? Something seems stuck here", My wife said one morning.
To which I said, "Sure honey, I hope this pans out"
Why did Don Corleone send back the plate for his coffee cup?
Someone gave him a saucer he could not reuse.
What did the cook say after making stir fry at a playground?
"It was a wok in the park."
What do you call a cap to a jar that doesn't fit?
An invalid.
What do you call a decent cup of coffee?
Just an average joe.
Someone stole my cutlery set, but we were unable to identify the thief
It was stainless steel.
What's the best type of spoon?
I'll tell you ladle.
A kitchen knife and fork had a race. Who won? Neither, it ended in a drawer.
I watched an eclipse through my colander, now I’ve strained my eyes.
I found a cutlery dispenser that doesn’t work properly
No forks were given.
A baker fell down the stairs with a platter full of cookies.
As they say, that's the way the cookies crumbled.
Why does the superhero shred his cheese?
For the grater good.
Why did the female chef win the cook-off?
Because cheese grater!
I tried smoking pot once.
I choked on the handle.
I decided to try growing pot...
So I buried a saucepan in my yard. I hear it takes no skillet all.
I met a man with a glass eye this morning...
He didn’t tell me, it just came out in the conversation
My friend has an excellent nose for wine...
It's shaped like a corkscrew!
As my wife opened the cabinet, a coffee cup crashed on her head.
It's awful to see someone you love get mugged.
I must say, my wife's cooking has really improved.
That was the best slice of soup I've ever had.
Why did the fork feel kinky near the spoon?
Because it was a tease spoon.
I bought this strange novelty baking pan shaped like Camelot.
I think I'll break it in by making a castlerole.
Why did the blind man always use paper cups?
He has no need for glasses.
So I heard this joke about glass
But it clearly shouldn’t have been made
How did the cutlery greet the steak?
Knife to meat you!
"This is the last straw!"
I shouted to my wife as I put it in my drink...
The guests were already at the door and we realized we forgot to make dessert. As a last-minute resort, my wife took the skillet, spread some frosting on it and said,
"Pancake".
While cooking, I asked my wife if we have any Sage. She said "We have some ground sage"
I asked her "Do we have any sage that's not on the floor?"
My car keeps telling me my door is ajar. It's not a jar you idiot it's a door.
Did you know there are exactly 239 beans in Irish stew?
Any more and it would be two farty...
I was washing the dishes today and got so frustrated I screamed into a collander.
I think I strained my voice.
My wife won a large ceramic pot
She definitely urned it.
I said to her, are going to eat that whole plate of spaghetti??
She said: no, it's in pasta bowl
I bought a complete set of kitchen utensils off an infomercial. I was frustrated that there was nothing to mix my eggs...
...but to be fair, they did say it was whisk-free offer.
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