why did the spoon show up dressed as a knife ?
Invitation said to look sharp.
I’ve been experimenting with attaching various kitchen utensils to my power drill
I got mixed results.
My kid was having trouble with the peanut butter because the jar was too deep and the knife was too short
I tried to help, but I couldn’t get to the bottom of it
When my doc said that my kitchenware diet was bad for my bowels, I crapped my pans.
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
What do you call a cap to a jar that doesn't fit?
An invalid.
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It is an extremely rare dish order.
Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist. While you were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.
The Opportunist.
I really hate straws.
They suck.
I must say, my wife's cooking has really improved.
That was the best slice of soup I've ever had.
Someone took all my straw
What a Hay-nous act!
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
My son took his jar collection way too far
When I came home from work I thought the house was robbed because the door was ajar.
What do you call a collection of bones made out of kitchenware?
A skillet-ton.
One of my kitchen utensils seems to be playing classical music.
Think it’s the Chopin board.
Cops should feed beans on very tiny plates to the suspects they're interrogating.
That way they're always gonna end up spilling the beans.
Asked my friend why a knife is his favourite utensil.
He said “a spoon and a fork just don’t cut it”.
Cooking always puts my wife in a bad mood...
She beats the eggs and whips the cream.
My father quietly retired from his job as an eye glass manufacturer yesterday.
He didn’t want to make a spectacle.
I said to her, are going to eat that whole plate of spaghetti??
She said: no, it's in pasta bowl
Two flies are playing football on a saucer.
They’re practicing for the cup.
Why did Don Corleone send back the plate for his coffee cup?
Someone gave him a saucer he could not reuse.
I used to be part of a ten pin league. Our team name was 'Bowl Movement'.
A piece of cheese sees his cheese friend looking a little disheveled. “Are you OK?” he asks.
“I’ve felt grater”, his friend coughed.
I was at a party last night, waiting my turn to get to the punch bowl.
Everyone was being very polite, patient and not barging in. I thought to myself, "At last...
a decent punchline"
If you try to stretch a fork to see if it breaks...
Are you testing its utensil strength?
"This is the last straw!"
I shouted to my wife as I put it in my drink...
What do you call someone who labels jars of body parts?
An organiser.
My friend showed me how he keeps his expensive butcher knife sharp.
I thought it was pretty cleaver.
Have you ever tried sticking a fork in a socket?
The results may shock you
Why did the police arrest a cup of snow?
For just-ice
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time.
Why was the cheese happy in the kitchen?
He thought he was grater than everyone else.
What do you call a knife that cuts 4 loaves of Irish bread at once?
A four loaf cleaver!
Why was the door glass?
Because the door was ajar
My son asked me where the pan was.
I told him, naturally, it went on a wok.
Did you hear about the journalist who became a sterling silver spoon salesman?
He finally found the scoop he was looking for.
My bedroom now has a stained glass window....
A pigeon just flew right into it.
Is plate throwing a trully Olympic sport?
Discuss.
As my wife opened the cabinet, a coffee cup crashed on her head.
It's awful to see someone you love get mugged.
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
They’ve started a collection to open a pool near me. I gave them a glass of water.
Where do you bury dead cutlery?
In it's final resting plates.
My favorite restaurant started serving a superhero-themed skillet breakfast.
Turns out it was just The Flash in a pan.
What did the cook say after making stir fry at a playground?
"It was a wok in the park."
Be careful what you say about those plates in the cabinet.
They're stacked.
Don't use raw milk to make butter
It's not worth the whisk.
Why was the jar about to explode?
Cause it was jam-packed!
What do you call a cat sitting on a platter?
A Platterpuss.
My wife asked, “Honey, could you reach that dish on the top shelf? It’s too high for me.”
It was a challenge, but I stepped up to the plate.
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