What happens when you drink beer from a cup?
You both get drunk.
I was serving my friend a roast in my tiny shoebox apartment. He boasted that he could cook the same dish in a mere two hours...
But I cooked it in a minute flat.
I tried smoking pot once.
I choked on the handle.
My son told me he can drink a whole glass a whiskey straight.
Personally, I think it's neat.
I was looking forward to eat my rice bowl.
But my brother, like always, ate them. And now he's experiencing really bad headaches.
I guess it's because he has a history of having my-grains.
I was boiling vegetables in the saucepan the other day when my wife went to move it...
I said careful, it’s got a leek in it.
Did you know cutlery scams require the most patience?
You've got to play the long prong.
I went into the kitchen and found that someone replaced all the cutting utensils with spoons
That wasn't knife.
Two flies are playing football on a saucer.
They’re practicing for the cup.
I just landed a job at a local Asian restaurant.
All I had to do was wok in for my interview!
How is Europe like a frying pan?
It has Greece at the bottom.
I was watching a new cooking show where you only get to pick one pan to use the whole time…
It's called, "Do You Have The Skillet Takes?!"
Did you know there are exactly 239 beans in Irish stew?
Any more and it would be two farty...
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It is an extremely rare dish order.
How did the cutlery greet the steak?
Knife to meat you!
I gave my dad a mug for his birthday
It said "World's greatest dad". When I gave it to him he looked kind of insulted. Is something wrong with it I asked? He replied, "You spelled 'dad' backwards"
A plate of sandwiches walks into a bar. The barman says “we don’t serve food”.
Which drawing utensil is the fastest?
The e-racer.
Will glass coffins ever become popular?
This remains to be seen.
When my doc said that my kitchenware diet was bad for my bowels, I crapped my pans.
Do you know why the boy didn't want to become a cheese slicer like his brother?
He wanted to become a grater man.
I left my job at the Chinese restaurant and took my favourite frying pan, until I heard the owner yell...
"Don’t wok away from me!"
I met a man with a glass eye this morning...
He didn’t tell me, it just came out in the conversation
My dad kept calling referring to this mason jar as his “boom box”.
When I asked him why, he responded “I use it for all my jams!”
A tuning fork is, essentially, a pitch fork.
My eating utensils were forged from forged steel, so don't mess with me or I'll fork you up.
Justice is a dish best served cold
Because otherwise it would be justwater.
What happened to your arm, Greg? And why are you eating that giant bowl of herbs?
"You know what they say, Margaret"
"Thyme heals all wounds".
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
Why was the cheese happy in the kitchen?
He thought he was grater than everyone else.
How do you call a straw used for drinking orangeade?
Fantastick.
"Can you help me get this pots and pans drawer in order? Something seems stuck here", My wife said one morning.
To which I said, "Sure honey, I hope this pans out"
Don't use raw milk to make butter
It's not worth the whisk.
What do you call a cat sitting on a platter?
A Platterpuss.
What's the best type of spoon?
I'll tell you ladle.
I thought I checkmated my dad with my new glass set in chess...
But he saw right through it
Cube cheese is good, and slices are fine...
But personally I think shredded is grater.
Is plate throwing a trully Olympic sport?
Discuss.
I was washing the dishes today and got so frustrated I screamed into a collander.
I think I strained my voice.
I watched an eclipse through my colander, now I’ve strained my eyes.
I ate a spoon of food color...
Now i'm dying inside.
What do you call a bad cheese grater?
A cheese lesser.
I was cutting cheese into very small pieces with a knife. The knife was great but a machine to help would’ve been grater.
I decided to try growing pot...
So I buried a saucepan in my yard. I hear it takes no skillet all.
Anybody who can complete tasks atop the surface of their lower kitchen cabinets is...
counter productive.
What did the glass say to the window?
"I'm in pane."
They were losing the battle, until they started chucking the tops of kitchen cupboards at the enemy.
It was a counter attack.
I was served by a former police officer at my local Applebee’s, I asked for a cup of water and he gave me a cup of ice instead and said
“Just-ice has been served”
My kid was having trouble with the peanut butter because the jar was too deep and the knife was too short
I tried to help, but I couldn’t get to the bottom of it
Why were the utensils stuck together?
They were spooning.
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