Thank goodness for Halloween, all of a sudden, cobwebs in my house are decorations!
I went to a Halloween party wearing a pie shell and carrying a shepherds crook.
"What on earth are you supposed to be?" "I'm a spy" "A spy?. What kinda of spy wears a pie costume and carries a crook?"
A shepherds spy.
Ghosts make the best cheerleaders. They have lots of spirit!
Are any of the Halloween Monsters good at math?
Only if you Count Dracula.
What do you call Jack-O-Lantern cousins who lift weights together?
Pump Kins
Which ghost is the best dancer? The Boogie Man!
For Halloween I'm going to dress as a donkey with a kilt
I'm going to be an ascot
What does a placebo say on Halloween?
“Trick or Treatment!”
What do Italians eat on Halloween?
Fettuccine Afraid-O
What is a jack o lantern's favorite pick up line?
"Darling, you look GOURD-EOUS!!"
What do you get when you divide your jack-o’-lantern’s circumference by its diameter? Pumpkin-Pie!
This Halloween I was planning to go as a band aid, but decided against it.
It’s really hard to pull off.
What’s a monsters favorite desert? I-Scream!
I need a new Halloween costume. I’m thinking of going as an evil nun.
Do I really need another bad habit?
I said to my son, "There's only one thing about Halloween that scares me."
He asked, "Which is?"
I replied, "Exactly!"
Why did the ghost go to the bar? To get some boos.
For Halloween I’m going to write “Life” on a plain white T-shirt and hand out lemons to strangers
Son: Dad, did you know they used to carve turnips on Halloween?
Dad: They must have been out of their gourds.
On Halloween, I will be wearing a normal everyday T-Shirt
I'll be going as a Casualty
Went to church on Halloween
Turned out to be a blessing in disguise
“I found this humerus” is the perfect Halloween pun for boneheads.
How do you fix a damaged jack-o-lantern?
You use a pumpkin patch.
Enjoy goblin up all your Halloween candy — just don't let it go to waist!
I dressed up as bacon for halloween.
To say the least, i was looking pretty CRISP.
I’ll be your trick if you’ll be my treat.
Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.
What did Dracula say when the witch and the warlock started kissing?" "Get a broom!
What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A “hollow dog."
For Halloween, one of my sons dressed up as the clown from IT, and another son as a Twitter hashtag. They asked me my opinion...
I said "Penny wise, pound foolish"
Why couldn’t the witch have children? Her husband had a hallow weenie.
What do birds give out on Halloween?
Tweets.
I didn’t want to play it safe with a skeleton costume, I want people to know I have guts.
What do mummies like listening to on Halloween? Wrap music!
I told everyone that I’m going as a zombie character from Harry Potter this Halloween, but no one believes me.
I’m dead Sirius.
I don't trust pumpkins. They're seedy.
Did you get to meet the tallest vampire in the world? People call him Count Everest.
What do you get when you drop a pumpkin? Squash.
What do you call a dancing ghost? Polka-haunt-us
What did the Turkey do on Halloween?
He was a goblin
What's the best part about the end of Halloween?
Putting the skeletons back in the closet!
Why did the Vampire read The New York Times? He heard it had great circulation.
I dressed up as a jousting lance for Halloween, but nobody got it.
I thought it was pretty straight forward.
Who did Dracula take to the school dance? His ghoul friend.
I was a bit worried about making breakfast on Halloween
But I ain't afraid of no toast.
Why do skeleton's make such good comedians? They have so many funny bones.
I let my kids pick my Halloween costume this year. They chose a hot dog...
... this is going to be my wurst Halloween ever.
Jehovahs witnesses don’t celebrate halloween
I guess they don’t appreciate random people coming to their door
Did you guys hear about the airplane that dressed up for Halloween?
It was in disguise.
Why do they put fences around graveyards? Because people are dying to get in!
Why was the Jack-o-Lantern sad on Halloween?
Because he felt empty inside.
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