I dressed up as bacon for halloween.
To say the least, i was looking pretty CRISP.
Halloween Math
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a jack-o'-lantern by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
For Halloween, one of my sons dressed up as the clown from IT, and another son as a Twitter hashtag. They asked me my opinion...
I said "Penny wise, pound foolish"
My dad has been making Halloween related puns all morning
He's now asking that I call him the Halloween Pun King.
How do Rednecks celebrate Halloween? Pump kin!
Which ghost is the best dancer? The Boogie Man!
Don’t be a jerk-o-lantern this Halloween — share your candy!
I hope these Halloween puns don't drive you batty.
When do ghouls and goblins cook their victims? On Fry Day
For Halloween I’m going to write “Life” on a plain white T-shirt and hand out lemons to strangers
Why didn't the mummy finish his Halloween candy?
Because he was stuffed!
Did you get to meet the tallest vampire in the world? People call him Count Everest.
What do you get when you divide your jack-o’-lantern’s circumference by its diameter? Pumpkin-Pie!
I'm going to need to exorcise a lot after all this Halloween candy.
What is Halloween's favorite medicine?
Any brand of coffin cold.
My aunt showed up to our Halloween party wearing ranch bottle costume. She was an hour late.
Her response: Sorry, I was getting dressed.
What do you get when you drop a pumpkin? Squash.
Why was the Jack-o-Lantern sad on Halloween?
Because he felt empty inside.
I went to a Halloween party wearing a pie shell and carrying a shepherds crook.
"What on earth are you supposed to be?" "I'm a spy" "A spy?. What kinda of spy wears a pie costume and carries a crook?"
A shepherds spy.
Did you guys hear about the airplane that dressed up for Halloween?
It was in disguise.
Orange you excited for Halloween?
No matter what costumes they wear, when the Halloween candy comes out, everyone is a goblin!
What did Dracula say when the witch and the warlock started kissing?" "Get a broom!
I need a new Halloween costume. I’m thinking of going as an evil nun.
Do I really need another bad habit?
Who did Dracula take to the school dance? His ghoul friend.
I hope it doesn’t rain Halloween night.
That would dampen spirits.
Why did the ghost go to the bar? To get some boos.
What did Dracula say when the witch and the warlock started kissing?" "Get a broom!
For Halloween I'm going to dress as a donkey with a kilt
I'm going to be an ascot
Jehovahs witnesses don’t celebrate halloween
I guess they don’t appreciate random people coming to their door
I don't trust pumpkins. They're seedy.
I said to my son, "There's only one thing about Halloween that scares me."
He asked, "Which is?"
I replied, "Exactly!"
What do you call Jack-O-Lantern cousins who lift weights together?
Pump Kins
Why do they put fences around graveyards? Because people are dying to get in!
why are the discarded papers that once held the halloween candy just like vocalists who have lost their rhythm, art, and poetry?
they are both empty rappers
What do birds give out on Halloween?
Tweets.
What do mummies like listening to on Halloween? Wrap music!
Why couldn’t the witch have children? Her husband had a hallow weenie.
I told everyone that I’m going as a zombie character from Harry Potter this Halloween, but no one believes me.
I’m dead Sirius.
We’ve all heard of the mushroom who gets invited to the party cause he’s a fungi, but what about the mushroom who stole all the halloween candy?
He had no morrels.
I bought a pumpkin for Halloween but it was broken
So i had to get a pumpkin patch.
What do you call a Halloween boner? Petrified wood
Thank goodness for Halloween, all of a sudden, cobwebs in my house are decorations!
The best part of astrology is reading your daily horror-scope.
I let my kids pick my Halloween costume this year. They chose a hot dog...
... this is going to be my wurst Halloween ever.
I was a bit worried about making breakfast on Halloween
But I ain't afraid of no toast.
Saw Humpty Dumpty shopping for Halloween supplies.
He's going to have a great fall.
Are any of the Halloween Monsters good at math?
Only if you Count Dracula.
Halloween candy is yummy and all, but don't forget to save room for 'I scream.'
What do you say when you're having dinner with a skeleton? Bone appetit!
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