What do Italians eat on Halloween?
Fettuccine Afraid-O
I hope it doesn’t rain Halloween night.
That would dampen spirits.
I'm going to need to exorcise a lot after all this Halloween candy.
Who did Dracula take to the school dance? His ghoul friend.
I don't trust pumpkins. They're seedy.
Thank goodness for Halloween, all of a sudden, cobwebs in my house are decorations!
What do you call Jack-O-Lantern cousins who lift weights together?
Pump Kins
What’s a monsters favorite desert? I-Scream!
For Halloween, one of my sons dressed up as the clown from IT, and another son as a Twitter hashtag. They asked me my opinion...
I said "Penny wise, pound foolish"
I let my kids pick my Halloween costume this year. They chose a hot dog...
... this is going to be my wurst Halloween ever.
The best part of astrology is reading your daily horror-scope.
My friend wanted me to take care of his extremely fragile pumpkin. I told him I'd gourd it with my life!
Why couldn’t the witch have children? Her husband had a hallow weenie.
I need a new Halloween costume. I’m thinking of going as an evil nun.
Do I really need another bad habit?
No matter what costumes they wear, when the Halloween candy comes out, everyone is a goblin!
We’ve all heard of the mushroom who gets invited to the party cause he’s a fungi, but what about the mushroom who stole all the halloween candy?
He had no morrels.
Why did the ghost go to the bar? To get some boos.
This Halloween, the only Candy I’m interersted in swings from a pole and has daddy issues
Why do they put fences around graveyards? Because people are dying to get in!
What do you call a Halloween boner? Petrified wood
What did Dracula say when the witch and the warlock started kissing?" "Get a broom!
Which ghost is the best dancer? The Boogie Man!
My aunt showed up to our Halloween party wearing ranch bottle costume. She was an hour late.
Her response: Sorry, I was getting dressed.
What do you get when you divide your jack-o’-lantern’s circumference by its diameter? Pumpkin-Pie!
Are any of the Halloween Monsters good at math?
Only if you Count Dracula.
I told everyone that I’m going as a zombie character from Harry Potter this Halloween, but no one believes me.
I’m dead Sirius.
Ghosts make the best cheerleaders. They have lots of spirit!
I dressed up as bacon for halloween.
To say the least, i was looking pretty CRISP.
Son: Dad, did you know they used to carve turnips on Halloween?
Dad: They must have been out of their gourds.
Did you guys hear about the airplane that dressed up for Halloween?
It was in disguise.
I bought a pumpkin for Halloween but it was broken
So i had to get a pumpkin patch.
Why did the Vampire read The New York Times? He heard it had great circulation.
I dressed up as a jousting lance for Halloween, but nobody got it.
I thought it was pretty straight forward.
Don’t be a jerk-o-lantern this Halloween — share your candy!
Orange you excited for Halloween?
Enjoy goblin up all your Halloween candy — just don't let it go to waist!
I didn’t want to play it safe with a skeleton costume, I want people to know I have guts.
What do you call a dancing ghost? Polka-haunt-us
For Halloween I’m going to write “Life” on a plain white T-shirt and hand out lemons to strangers
Jehovahs witnesses don’t celebrate halloween
I guess they don’t appreciate random people coming to their door
What's the best part about the end of Halloween?
Putting the skeletons back in the closet!
Halloween Math
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a jack-o'-lantern by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
What do birds give out on Halloween?
Tweets.
“Halloween” = an excuse for girls to dress up like sluts.
I went to a Halloween party wearing a pie shell and carrying a shepherds crook.
"What on earth are you supposed to be?" "I'm a spy" "A spy?. What kinda of spy wears a pie costume and carries a crook?"
A shepherds spy.
What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A “hollow dog."
Did you know that the soldiers at Arlington salute their new Jack-o-Lanterns every Halloween?
They always honor the changing of the Gourd.
Went to church on Halloween
Turned out to be a blessing in disguise
What is Halloween's favorite medicine?
Any brand of coffin cold.
Why was the Jack-o-Lantern sad on Halloween?
Because he felt empty inside.
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