For Halloween I’m going to write “Life” on a plain white T-shirt and hand out lemons to strangers
How do Rednecks celebrate Halloween? Pump kin!
Are any of the Halloween Monsters good at math?
Only if you Count Dracula.
What do you call Jack-O-Lantern cousins who lift weights together?
Pump Kins
Did you get to meet the tallest vampire in the world? People call him Count Everest.
Halloween candy is yummy and all, but don't forget to save room for 'I scream.'
Enjoy goblin up all your Halloween candy — just don't let it go to waist!
What does a placebo say on Halloween?
“Trick or Treatment!”
My Haloween costume would have been perfect if my hair agreed with me. Guess I’m just having a bad scare day.
I went to a Halloween party wearing a pie shell and carrying a shepherds crook.
"What on earth are you supposed to be?" "I'm a spy" "A spy?. What kinda of spy wears a pie costume and carries a crook?"
A shepherds spy.
What did Dracula say when the witch and the warlock started kissing?" "Get a broom!
What do you say when you're having dinner with a skeleton? Bone appetit!
On Halloween, I will be wearing a normal everyday T-Shirt
I'll be going as a Casualty
How do you fix a damaged jack-o-lantern?
You use a pumpkin patch.
Son: Dad, did you know they used to carve turnips on Halloween?
Dad: They must have been out of their gourds.
Halloween Math
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a jack-o'-lantern by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
I'm going to need to exorcise a lot after all this Halloween candy.
What is a jack o lantern's favorite pick up line?
"Darling, you look GOURD-EOUS!!"
I didn’t want to play it safe with a skeleton costume, I want people to know I have guts.
Although he seems happy and bright, the jack-o-lantern was so sad on Halloween because he’s hollow inside.
“Halloween” = an excuse for girls to dress up like sluts.
Ghosts make the best cheerleaders. They have lots of spirit!
What’s a monsters favorite desert? I-Scream!
I told everyone that I’m going as a zombie character from Harry Potter this Halloween, but no one believes me.
I’m dead Sirius.
What do you get when you divide your jack-o’-lantern’s circumference by its diameter? Pumpkin-Pie!
Which ghost is the best dancer? The Boogie Man!
What did the Turkey do on Halloween?
He was a goblin
My dad has been making Halloween related puns all morning
He's now asking that I call him the Halloween Pun King.
Why do skeleton's make such good comedians? They have so many funny bones.
I was a bit worried about making breakfast on Halloween
But I ain't afraid of no toast.
Why was the Jack-o-Lantern sad on Halloween?
Because he felt empty inside.
My new Halloween cookies are bringing everyone back for more!
I call them boo merginues.
Why didn't the mummy finish his Halloween candy?
Because he was stuffed!
Did you know that the soldiers at Arlington salute their new Jack-o-Lanterns every Halloween?
They always honor the changing of the Gourd.
Saw Humpty Dumpty shopping for Halloween supplies.
He's going to have a great fall.
I need a new Halloween costume. I’m thinking of going as an evil nun.
Do I really need another bad habit?
Why did the Vampire read The New York Times? He heard it had great circulation.
Why couldn’t the witch have children? Her husband had a hallow weenie.
What do Italians eat on Halloween?
Fettuccine Afraid-O
My aunt showed up to our Halloween party wearing ranch bottle costume. She was an hour late.
Her response: Sorry, I was getting dressed.
I let my kids pick my Halloween costume this year. They chose a hot dog...
... this is going to be my wurst Halloween ever.
What do birds give out on Halloween?
Tweets.
Orange you excited for Halloween?
Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.
This Halloween, the only Candy I’m interersted in swings from a pole and has daddy issues
What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A “hollow dog."
My friend wanted me to take care of his extremely fragile pumpkin. I told him I'd gourd it with my life!
What do you call a dancing ghost? Polka-haunt-us
why are the discarded papers that once held the halloween candy just like vocalists who have lost their rhythm, art, and poetry?
they are both empty rappers
The best part of astrology is reading your daily horror-scope.
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