How do you make an apple puff? Chase it around the garden.
Has anyone else's gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have?
I planted myself on the sofa at the beginning of April and I've grown bigger ever since.
Do you need some encourage-mint?
She didn’t date the gardener. He was too rough around the hedges.
Our farm is haunted by chickens. You could say that we have a poultry-geist problem.
If, instead of talking to your plants, you yelled at them, would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
Yet again, someone has added more soil to my allotment. The plot thickens…
Why did the gardener need a cork?
Because his garden sprung a leek!
What does a gardener call the tree surgeon who also makes a great cup of coffee?
Arbor-ista.
What’s a gardener’s favorite type of trousers? Ones with turnips.
What do you call it when worms eat all of the plants and take over the world?
Global Worming.
I hired a landscape gardener today.
He couldn’t help me — my garden is a portrait.
I started an insurance company for flower and gardening businesses...
It's called "oopsie daisies."
Why are shovels, trowels, and spades so common in down-to-earth novels and movies?
Because they're plot devices.
All dressed up and nowhere to grow.
The farmer had such a bad headache he had to retire. He was sick of his grains.
What do you call a book on underwater gardening?
A self-kelp book.
What happened to the Venus Fly Trap's plant food?
The arbor-ate-em.
I used to make lots of money clearing leaves from gardens. I was raking it in.
If a man is alone in the garden and speaks, and there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?
Scarecrows always garden their patch.
Schwarzenegger retired from TV to kill bugs. Now he’s an ex-terminator.
What kind of flowers bloom on your face? Tulips!
Mountains aren’t just funny. They’re hill areas.
My leaf blower doesn’t work. It just sucks!
When does a farmer dance? When he drops the beet.
Botanists have developed a vegetable that eliminates the need to brush your teeth.
Bristle sprouts.
I asked the staff at my local garden center what to grow in my garden. They gave me some sage advice.
I want to start gardening, but I haven’t botany plants.
Eat, drink and be rosemary.
How do you know if you're a bad gardener?
All the rocks in your garden went belly up!
I’ve started to plant my herbs in alphabetical order. People ask me how I find the time. I tell them “it’s next to the sage”.
What runs around a garden but never moves? A fence.
All dressed up and nowhere to grow.
What kind of socks does a gardener wear?
Garden hose!
Many gardeners suffer from hay fever. Isn’t that news a pollen?
Any self-respecting rock will break at least one shovel before accepting its new home.
Cleaning my cold frame is a pane in the glass.
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