All dressed up and nowhere to grow.
In the eyes of the lawn.
All things must grass.
I started dating the girl across the street. Honestly, lawn-distance relationships aren’t that hard.
I’ll never leaf you.
I’m very frond of you.
Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.
Who needs friends when you’ve got anemones?
What is the wise gardener's mantra?
Weed 'Em and Reap!
Botanists have developed a vegetable that eliminates the need to brush your teeth.
Bristle sprouts.
Cleaning my cold frame is a pane in the glass.
Why is The Hulk such a good gardener? Because he’s got green fingers.
That’s a bit mulch.
I got a job working in a hayfield. After one day I bailed.
I wasn’t all that interested in gardening, but I planted a few seeds, and it grew on me.
Trowel and error.
What’s the easiest way to stop a dog from digging in the garden?
Take away his shovel!
If you’re looking for a job, get trained in horticulture. It’s a growing industry.
Gardening question: Does anyone know a good place where I can buy a fern? Asking for a frond.
Why did the gardener need a cork?
Because his garden sprung a leek!
I was offered a job as a gardener, but I didn’t take it because the celery was too low.
What kind of socks does a gardener wear?
Garden hose!
What’s a gardener’s favorite Harrison Ford film? Raiders of the Lost Bark.
Our farm is haunted by chickens. You could say that we have a poultry-geist problem.
Why did the gardener think her plant was sick?
It was looking very green.
How do you know you are a Master Gardener?
There is a decorative compost container on your kitchen counter.
You would rather go to a nursery to shop than a clothing store.
You prefer gardening to watching television.
You plan vacation trips to arboretums and public parks.
Dirt under your fingernails and calloused palms are matters of pride.
Did you hear the gardener's joke about the old oak tree?
It's acorny one!
What runs around a garden but never moves? A fence.
A magic tractor drove down the road and turned into a field!
I started an insurance company for flower and gardening businesses...
It's called "oopsie daisies."
If, instead of talking to your plants, you yelled at them, would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
I used to make lots of money clearing leaves from gardens. I was raking it in.
Let’s take a leaf of faith.
You’re unbeleafable.
I’ve always been afraid of gardening.
But then I decided to grow a pear.
I’m rooting for you!
Garden centers are attempting to stem a fall in the sale of fresh flowers.
What did the gardeners say when he discovered nasty weeds in his garden?
I have spotted spurge!
Has anyone else's gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have?
I planted myself on the sofa at the beginning of April and I've grown bigger ever since.
I hired a landscape gardener today.
He couldn’t help me — my garden is a portrait.
I want to start gardening, but I haven’t botany plants.
What do you call a cow who works for a gardener?
A lawn moo-er.
My neighbor asked me if he could borrow my lawnmower. It told him he could; if he did not take it out of my yard.
Why do potatoes make good detectives?
Because they keep their eyes peeled.
What’s the name of the gardener’s favorite show? Lawn and order.
I beg your garden?
Yet again, someone has added more soil to my allotment. The plot thickens…
A man walks into a flower shop "I'd like some flowers please."
"Certainly, Sir. What did you have in mind?"
He shrugs "Well I'm not sure, I uh, I uh, I uh..."
"Perhaps I could help. What exactly have you done?"
Eat, drink and be rosemary.
Why was the gardener so busy over the weekend?
He had a long honeydew list.
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