What happened to the Venus Fly Trap's plant food?
The arbor-ate-em.
Cleaning my cold frame is a pane in the glass.
All dressed up and nowhere to grow.
If, instead of talking to your plants, you yelled at them, would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
Who needs friends when you’ve got anemones?
A woman asks her neighbor, "Can I borrow your lawnmower?"
Her neighbor says, "No, he's not home yet"
All dressed up and nowhere to grow.
Herb your enthusiasm.
I wasn’t all that interested in gardening, but I planted a few seeds, and it grew on me.
I’ll never leaf you.
What did the pirate call his vegetable patch?
His garrrrgh-den.
Why didn’t the flower get to go out on a second date?
He was a garden variety.
Do you have the thyme? I need to get somewhere around tree o’clock.
Your good weed for the day.
Did you hear about the squirrel diet? It’s nuts!
A man walks into a flower shop "I'd like some flowers please."
"Certainly, Sir. What did you have in mind?"
He shrugs "Well I'm not sure, I uh, I uh, I uh..."
"Perhaps I could help. What exactly have you done?"
When does a farmer dance? When he drops the beet.
What do you call an everyday potato? A commen-tater.
I started dating the girl across the street. Honestly, lawn-distance relationships aren’t that hard.
I want to start gardening, but I haven’t botany plants.
I'm a gardener and I'm OK
I sleep all night and I plant all day!
I dress in grubby clothing and hang around with slugs.
Oh I'm happy in the garden
With dirt and plants and bugs.
How do you know if you're a bad gardener?
All the rocks in your garden went belly up!
Did you hear the gardener's joke about the old oak tree?
It's acorny one!
Schwarzenegger retired from TV to kill bugs. Now he’s an ex-terminator.
My leaf blower doesn’t work. It just sucks!
Over quarantine, I’ve really gotten into gardening. I am especially enamored with growing chard varieties. So much so I’ve written a book of poems about their taproots.
I hope to one day be recognized as the beet poet of our generation!
Don’t moss around.
What do you call a book on underwater gardening?
A self-kelp book.
All clover the world.
If a man is alone in the garden and speaks, and there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?
What did the gardeners say when he discovered nasty weeds in his garden?
I have spotted spurge!
I’m very frond of you.
What kind of garden flowers grow in outer space?
Moonflowers, Sunflowers, Star Clusters, and Cosmos.
Ants in your plants.
Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.
After a year of waiting, my publisher finally approved my book on gardening
It's about Thyme.
I used to make lots of money clearing leaves from gardens. I was raking it in.
Long thyme no see.
What is it called when a gardener covertly listens to foliage falling in the fall?
Leaves-dropping.
She didn’t date the gardener. He was too rough around the hedges.
I beg your garden?
What is the wise gardener's mantra?
Weed 'Em and Reap!
What rock would you find inside a garden shed?
Shedimentary.
All things must grass.
Why do potatoes make good detectives?
Because they keep their eyes peeled.
What kind of socks does a gardener wear?
Garden hose!
What’s a gardener’s favorite type of trousers? Ones with turnips.
What’s a gardener’s favorite Harrison Ford film? Raiders of the Lost Bark.
Your good seed for the day.
What’s the easiest way to stop a dog from digging in the garden?
Take away his shovel!
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