Cows will never make the police force because they simply refuse to go on steak-outs.
You’re turtle-ly awesome.
What is a monkey's favorite cookie? Chocolate chimp!
Q: How does a tiger stop a video?
A: By pressing paws.
A beaver goes into a bar and sees a man standing behind the bar and asks him...
"Excuse me sir. Is the bar tender here?"
Why do Russian teapots have to go to bed early?
Because samovars have to work tomorrow.
Ugh.. I ate too much hummus..
And now I filafel.
When you buy a bigger bathtub....
You have more bath room, but less bathroom.
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested.
I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence.
Why doesn’t Frankenstein go on airplanes?
He can’t get past the airport metal detector.
My doctor didn’t show up to the appointment about my hairline.
He said it got pushed back
Be-leaf me, you look great in green.
Did you hear about the Wi-Fi wedding?
The ceremony was awful, but the reception was great!
Why did the Easter Bunny go to the doctor?
It was time for his annual eggzam.
I got into a fight with a snail. It was a real slug-fest.
What did the football coach say to the broken vending machine?
Give me my quarter back.
This year for Valentine's day I got my wife the ace of hearts and packets of corn flour, rice flour and self raising flour
She wasn't happy. Apparently it wasn't what she meant when she said she just wanted a card and flowers.
My wife misplace the sugar with the salt in her sugar cookies.
It was sodium disgusting.
What advice do ghosts give their children? Only spook when spoken to.
What do you get if you cross a witch with a werewolf?
A mad dog that chases airplanes!
Why did the man wear a rabbit as a hat? He didn’t want anyone to harm a Hare on his head!
Did you hear about the boat that crashed into the beach?
The captain fell asleep and the crew didn't realize until they were already in the no wake zone.
I always feel like a winner in France, which is great because I hate Toulouse.
What did the Gorilla say to his friend when he called him back on the phone?
You-Rang-a-Tang?
My dad is going through heart failure, and the first text that I get from him after sending him a card says:
“No more corny jokes, now just corn-orary jokes.”
Q: What’s red and invisible?
A: No cherries.
How do you share a piece of cheese with a bear?
Caerphilly.
Where do school-going vampires carry their books?
In bat-packs.
At a meeting, Mr. Tomato asked Mr. Peach, "Can you give me the peach cobbler's number, I need to mend my shoes".
A sun walks into a black hole.
The black hole says to the sun "I don't think you understand the gravity of this situation".
My mother-in-law dropped her iPhone in the toilet...
I told her, "there's a CRAP for that."
Cheesy Valentines Day Sayings
I was going to tell you a joke about an egg but it's not all it's cracked up to be.
How does cabernet like to travel abroad?
On a cruise sip.
Why did the bus driver take a break? He needed to 'stop' and refuel!
We had a lively debate in physics.
It was a conversation of energy.
What kind of plant generates the most energy? A power plant.”
What’s a pig’s favorite color? Ma-hog-any.
You heard about the Spanish woman that is now a man?
He’s called Senor Rita.
Who's the nicest guy at the hospital?
The ultrasound guy
The bowl of soup you bought yesterday from the Chinese restaurant was souper terrible.
I was gonna make a joke about Mediterranean food...
But hummus have missed the mark, and now I falafel.
Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject.
Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
I thought about studying the astronomy for my university. But then I thought, I would just be taking up space.
Why was the skeleton afraid of the dog?
Because dogs love bones.
They say everything gets better with age.
The furniture store saleswoman keeps calling me to come back. But all I wanted was one night stand.
Where does fog go to the bathroom?
Anywhere it wants.
What is an evil dictator’s favorite type of weather?
A rain of terror.
What is a bat’s favorite dessert?
Pineapple upside-down cake.
Go to BabaMail
