What do you call a divorce but for bananas?
Banana split!
That dog is so beautiful. She should be on the cover of Vanity Fur.
Why do onions have poor self-image?
Because people cry when they get onions naked.
How much do you love rainbows? Just a skittle bit.
What was Michael Jackson's favorite Spanish food?
Jamon!
I just beat my friend in a Wild West themed art race!
I was quicker to the draw.
What’s the most supportive beer?
Root beer.
Why shouldn’t you fart on elevators?
It’s wrong on so many levels.
I don’t care if all of the other giants see me as a big joke for filing a restraining order on a guy I’ve got 75 feet on.
Beanstalked is a serious matter.
I went to watch a play and there were so many peach errors in the dialogues.
I find you very a-peeling.
What was the main job of the bread truck? To haul buns.
I read a bunch of news articles dealing with lightning strikes recently.
I'm trying to keep myself knowledgeable about current events.
I’ve been getting blitzed all game
I came into the office early and switched as many M and N keys on keyboards as I could. Some might say I'm a monster...
But others will say nomster
While cutting the onions, my eyes were leek-ing tears
Why Was The Teacher Annoyed With The Duck?
Because he wouldn't quit quackin' jokes!
What do cloves use for money? Garlic "Bread."
What do you call an bat with a carrot in each ear? Anything you want as he can't hear you!
How did the skeletons make s’mores when they went camping?
They made them on the bone-fire.
“Mom, what do we have for this dinner?” – “I cannot tell you. It is a little soup-prise, son!”
How do you know your heart is your biggest fan?
It’s always so pumped for you.
Why did Saint Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
They were causing mass hiss-teria!
My dad hates the ocean, but the other day he bought a boat.
He never could resist a good sail.
If they could prove cell phones give deadly radiation
You could say to people you don't like "cant talk right now, you're giving me cancer".
I slit a sheet, a sheet I slit, upon a slitted sheet I sit.
A pony goes to see the doctor one day.
He says, "Doc, you've got to help me. I've had this terrible sore throat for weeks and I think there must be some badly wrong."
The doctor examines him and then reassures him saying, "It's okay, it's nothing serious; you're just a little horse."
Two rocks at the bottom of a mountain. First rock: Avalanche!
Second rock: Ha! I'm not gonna fall for that again!
How do you know when a cheese is full of himself?
Whatever you say, he’ll say he is feta.
How do you write a book about bats? With a ghostwriter.
If you don't focus on learning your lines for the production, I shutter to imagine what the reviewers will snap about.
What do you call an otter with a carrot in each ear? Anything you want as he can't hear you!
Would you rather kiss a shark or a jellyfish?
A jellyfish. That’s a no-brainer.
One of the most courageous souls in the world is anybody who looks at a pineapple and thinks that “I bet I would eat it.”
What do you call a monk who steals a grilled cheese sandwich right off the griddle?
Out of the frying pan and into the friar.
What do you call a gray animal with big ears and a large trunk?
A traveling mouse.
Why are candles lit on top of birthday cakes?
It’s impossible to light them on the bottom
What has four legs and one arm?
A rottweiler at a park.
Why did the Archaeopteryx get the most worms?
Because he was an early bird.
When do mummies eat breakfast?
Once they catch you.
"You make me egg-static."
What did the bat say when she was invited to dinner?
No, fangs. I just ate.
What do you call a dinosaur that eats it's vegetables? A.brocileasoarus
How should you bury an onion?
... in a shallot grave!
Our church band is just two ladies on percussion...
It’s quite the CoNunDrum
"Whale, what do we have here?" said the mermaid.
Baby dump trucks have the cutest name – they’re called dumplings.
Sigmund Freud used to always wear a piece of jewelry on his wrist...
It was an id bracelet.
Why doesn't james bond fart in bed?
Because it'll blow his cover
Why did the wizard rush to the hospital?
He had a staff infection.
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