I can’t believe that during the attempted murder, John Crow, Russel Crow and Sheryl Crow were all in the room.
What did the pig say on the warm summer’s day?
“I’m bacon.”
I hear there's a new COVID-19 vaccine delivered via an audio interface as music.
It is hoped that this will lead to heard immunity.
What do you call a room full of crows? Crowded.
What game do little bats like to play?
Batty fight.
Where does a thrifty Frankenstein get his limbs?
At the second-hand store.
How can you tell a vampire likes baseball? Every night he turns into a bat.
I started ironing my clothes...
To de-crease how bad I looked
Where does Google keep their ships?
In the Google Docs.
What do you call a bat with the flu?
An airborne disease.
Q: What did the young Pharaoh say when it got frightened?
A: Where's my mummy!!
Why was the computer coughing?
It had a virus.
Me: I have an appointment to see the doctor.
Nurse: which doctor?
Me: No, just the regular one
What do you call a bee that lives in a mud hive?
An adobee!
"No eggs-cuses."
"Some people have no guts."
What is a vampire’s favorite fruit?
A blood orange.
Kangaroo: [dials 9-1-1] I can’t find my kids!
9-1-1: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: [pats pouch] Oh… nevermind.
I always start my day with makeup. It's the foundation for a good day, y'know? It covers up anything from yesterday and really sets things in place so I can powder through my work.
What do you call a werewolf that can’t decide what to wear?
A what-to-wear-wolf.
Where do astronauts buy their milk? From the milky way!!!
What do penguins drink during the summer?
Iced tea.
What happens when a ghost gets lost in the fog? He is mist.
Bad vegetable puns are dreadful.
It’s a truly rotten experience.
Why can't you trust zebras?
Because they're convicted horse felons.
Why did the spider crawl up the elephants leg the second time?
It got pissed off the first time.
Why did the banana go to the hostpital? Because it wasnt peeling very well
I'm pretty sure all history teachers are necromancers
They only care about the dead.
I used to get so mad when my kitchen appliances leaked
now it's just water under the fridge
What cheesy dip do deer love to eat?
Fawn-due.
What does it take to become a zombie?
Dead-ication.
What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a hyena?
A monster with a sense of humor.
What do you call a very little cherry? Pit-iful.
Plain popcorn? You can do butter than that.
What happened when the guitars got in a fight?
They got in treble.
Why did the mommy and daddy werewolves call their son “Camera”?
Because he was always snapping at things!
"How much did you have to drink?"
"About a birds worth."
"What?"
"You know, toucans."
I got a asked to leave karaoke night for singing "Danger Zone" seven times in a row. I had exceeded the allowed number of Loggins attempts.
Where do most horses work for their first job?
Re-tail stores.
What do you call a decent cup of coffee?
Just an average joe.
What do you call an bat with a carrot in each ear? Anything you want as he can't hear you!
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
Why did the giant ape climb up the side of the skyscraper?
Because the elevator was broken.
Why do flowers always drive so fast?
They put the petal to the metal.
There are two reasons why you should never drink toilet water.
Number one. And number two.
What do you get when you have a bunch of moles acting like idiots?
A bunch of mole-asses
What do sailors drink when they gather at a tavern to commiserate?
Port whine!
I got a job working in a hayfield. After one day I bailed.
Every single person on my flight was reading at the same time.
The plane was fully booked.
My mom is really soup-rised at the outcome when she puts yeast in the broth.
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