What is a skeleton's favorite musical instrument?
The xylobone.
What do you call a goat who is in charge of a university?
Billy Dean.
What is the ocean’s favorite lullaby?
Roe, Roe, Roe Your Boat.
I knew a guy that got struck by lightning twice.
It was a re-volting scene.
Why did the farmer feed his pigs a mixture of sugar, vinegar, and soy sauce? He wanted sweet and sour pork.
What did the pillow say when the blanket asked it to come hang out?
I'm down
What’s a gardener’s favorite Beatles song? Lettuce Be.
The truck load of tortoise that crushed caused a turtle disaster.
What happened to the wolf that fell into the washing machine?
It became a wash and wearwolf.
Why did the tectonic plates break up?
It wasn’t her fault, but there was just too much friction between them.
Should you plant flowers in any month besides April?
May as well!
These aren't your mom's puns, these are your sisters puns. Tam-puns
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time
Why are we only concerned about snowmen not snowwomen?
Because only men are stupid enough to stand out in the snow without a coat.
Why does the lettuce always win the bodybuilding competition?
Cuz it starts a head and is usually shredded.
What do you call an onion that keeps on jumping up and down? You call it a spring onion!
Where do the monkeys melt their cheese?
Under the gorilla.
How do you make a tissue paper dance?
You put a little boogie in it!
An actor I know fell through the floor recently. It's just a stage he was going through.
What are the best vegetables to sleep under?
a can of peas.
If you live in a purple-colored house and suddenly all the power goes off, then you should probably check the fuchsia box.
A lot of William Shakespeare’s plays were based off of old Greek and Roman performances
That's playgarism if you ask me.
What do you say to comfort a grammar teacher?
They’re, there, their.
Q. How do you start a letter written to Sears Roebuck?
A. Deer Sirs..
What happened to the cat that went to the flea circus? She stole the whole show.
I just built a car out of a washing machine.
I’ll be taking it for a spin later.
What did the maggot say to another?
What's a nice maggot like you doing in a joint like this?
What did the egg do when it saw the frying pan?
It scrambled.
What do you call a pianist who throws trash everywhere?
Litterachi.
What do you call a dog that sneezes?
Achoo-huahua.
What do you call a cat that has a hundred legs? A cat-erpillar.
I was walking down the street when I stood on a banana.
Luckily, I was wearing my Slipknot t-shirt.
What bee is most indecisive?
A May bee!
What did the first century Christian say about the lion that killed his wife?
I'm Gladiator.
Who used to run pen & paper RPGs in 1st century BC Rome?
The Carpe DM
I'm not talking to my sister's spoiled daughters.
It's beniece me.
Q. What do swine use to chat up a date?
A. Pig-Up Lines!
The frequency of bad physics puns on this category...
It hertz.
I tried to tell a joke about towels...
But people don’t like my dry humor.
Fairies just wand to have fun.
What did the giant say to Jack when he caught him sneaking around his castle?
"Have you bean stalking me?"
Why was the snake mad at the jewel thief?
Because he wanted his diamondback.
I was so disappointed when I went to the court house themed restaurant and all they gave me was frozen water.
Justice was served.
Who would win in a fight between a kangaroo and a zebra?
The zebra. Because he has so many black belts.
I saw a guy on the train holding a newspaper in front of his face.
He was behind The Times.
My wife was a bit down so I decided to redecorate our living room.
Thought it would chair her up but sofa she haven't even noticed
What is a cat’s favorite color? Purr-ple.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? De-brie went everywhere!
What does the like to parrot wear to the beach? A beak-ini!
Where do you find the nicest children in the world?
Germany. They're kinder.
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