What kind of horse would Bilbo Baggins ride?
A shire.
How do you measure the circumference of a Sheep?
Shepherds Pie
What did the fans say to the band named after a famous chickpea spread?
Hummus a tune.
Which candy do astronauts like? Marsbar.
How does a Man cut his hair on the moon? Eclipse it.
What’s the opposite of Himalayan salt?
Herastandin pepper.
"Hi, I'm Buzz Aldrin. Second person to step on the moon.
Neil before me."
Mother Superior had to crack down on sisters wearing perfume in the convent.
She said she would not tolerate such nun scents.
Q: Where do fruits manufacture their money?
A: Peach Mint.
Why do zebras have stripes?
Because they don't want to be spotted.
I whisper my sins to crows
So my parents can't hear me confess to a murder
What types of stories do giant sequoias love to tell? Tall tales, of course.
Why did the student get upset when his teacher called him average?
It was a ‘mean’ thing to say!
Farmers are real experts, they are often outstanding in their fields.
Why should you never fight a Gorilla?
They know king kong fu.
My sister said I would never be able to make a beach pun.
Is seashore about that?
When do you put paprika on eggs? Fry-Day.
What did the Christmas tree tell his crush? I pine for you.
I don’t have Great Expectations for my son.
I got him the other books by Dickens though.
A truck carrying ladders crashed on the road. The cargo has spilled over, but police are taking steps to clear the area.
After all is sled and done.
What did the ocean say to the pirate?
Nothing, it just waved!
Why do microwaves always mess up wifi...
...when every one I've tried creates hotspots?
What do you do when you try to bake a cherry pie for the first time and it doesn't turn out so well? Just wait for the second bite of the cherry.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.
Why did the skeleton climb up the tree?
Because a dog was after his bones!
Q. What do you get when you combine Blue Agave and literature?
A. Tequila Mockingbird
How do you catch King Kong? Hang upside down and make a noise like a banana.
Why did the Sugar Maple have to go to the dentist? It really needed a root canal.
You make miso happy.
When the baby onion was misbehaving, the father onion told it, "You better behave, you cheeky chops!"
Why did the hare go to the taco truck?
He couldn't beat the tortas.
Why did the orange get pulled over while driving?
He kept peeling out.
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time
Q: What was the pharaoh's favorite football team?
A: The Mummy Dolphins
This rainbow is on its last legs, it's really hanging by a red.
What do you do to a female news anchor who breaks a leg?
You put her in a broadcast.
Why did the dolphin blush?
Because it saw the ocean’s bottom!
What type of ice cream do fish like to eat?
Shark-o-late!
Eggs are going up again.
That'll surprise a few chickens.
What happens to a cherry tree when it grows up? It blossoms.
How does a kangaroo pick his favorite baseball team?
He jumps on the bandwagon.
How does santa get his Reindeer to fly? He uses Red Bull because it gives you wings!
Which kind of jokes do gnomes like to tell?
Elf-deprecating puns.
What did the diamond say to its friend copper? Nothing, silly, minerals don’t talc!
What cheese do you use to get a bear out of a tree?
Camembert.
Who answers the door at the peanut mansion?
The peanut butler.
How do you make Ohio State University cookies? Put them in a big Bowl and beat for 3 hours.
I Renamed my iPod The Titanic, so when I plug it in, it says “The Titanic is syncing.”
Any self-respecting rock will break at least one shovel before accepting its new home.
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