How Many Engineers Does It Take to Assemble a Futon?
Three…and a psychologist!
Too bad my serve hit the tape. Well, at least they’ll LET me hit it again.
I tried to make it to the end of the rainbow but didn't due to lilac of effort.
What is a pirate’s favorite’s fish?
A pirates favorite fish is a swordfish!
Two snowmen were standing in a yard. One asked the other, "Do you smell carrot?" The other snowman replied, "No, but I can taste coal."
What goes black, white, black, white, black, white?
A panda rolling down a hill.
Where do parrots get away on holiday? To the beak!
Some people think nuclear physics is interesting.
Well, in my opinion it's really Bohring.
I got a new bread recipe where you don’t have to get your hands messy by mixing the dough.
It is kneadless, to say.
What type of songs do planets sing?
Nep-Tunes.
Someone who does not become a witch until they're old is a late broomer.
I am really broth-taking when I see the signer vomiting soup.
What did the pastry chef say to his unsupportive father?
“Donut hole me back.”
When Smokey died in a forest fire, how did his body get to the cemetery ?
Pallbears.
Officer: “I’m sorry sir, it looks like your wife has been hit by a truck.”
Me: ”Yeah I know, but she’s got a great personality though!”
My pink bird friend got dumped a while ago. He was sad for a while, but now he’s singe and ready to flamingle.
Why does Elton John HATE lettuce?
Becuase he's a ROCKET MAN...
What does a piece of cheese tell you during a game of tag?
Cheez it.
I dropped my computer on my foot.
It mega-hurts.
hat’s the most sophisticated kind of bread?
The upper crust.
Who has better beer: Rabbits or Kangaroos?
Kanagaroos. While they both do great with the hops, Kangaroos just have a little more kick!
I've got this awful disease where I can't stop telling airport puns.
I think it may be terminal
What's the most common form of owl-on-owl violence?
Drive by hooting.
Why did the broom decide to go to bed?
He was getting sweepy
Did you hear about the policeman who tried to make love to a bacon slicer?
He had a tip off.
What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo?
A pouch potato.
You're my purr-son.
Q: What made the green pea turn red?
A: It saw the salad dressing.
How do pigs get to the hospital?
In ham-bulances.
Why couldn’t the little girl ride the horse?
It was feeling bucky.
What happened when the monster's football game was all tied up?
They went into ogre time.
What's the difference between chemistry and cooking
In chemistry you should never lick the spoon.
What group of people always had the highest cell phone bills?
The Romans.
What kind of hats does the skeleton baseball league wear?
Skullcaps.
Although he seems happy and bright, the jack-o-lantern was so sad on Halloween because he’s hollow inside.
Today I donated my old basketball hoop to a school for the blind.
It will be missed.
What did the street cheese say after he got attacked by several blades? I've felt grater.
A couple was in the forest painting on fallen trees.
They were following their counsellor’s orders to have a meaningful dye-a-log.
Why can a leopard never hide for long? It’s always spotted
I'd want to know why the winters are so cold in America. I think Alaska local.
My wife came home angry from the gynecologist after he told her she had to stop using lemon douche
She's been such a sour puss about it.
Paleontologists found the world's oldest toothbrush.
They believe it came from the Flossiraptor.
The only thing that looks like half a strawberry is the other half.
What do a crab, a lobster, and a Japanese guy run over in the middle of the road all have in common?
They're all Crushed-Asians!
Ed Belfour's new contract offer isn't high compared to other goal tenders.
I ate an omelette for breakfast…
but I’m still feeling peckish.
Saw what I thought was a large dog coloring Easter eggs.
Turned out to be a dyer wolf.
What's as big as a dinosaur but weighs nothing? Her shadow!
I've just arrived in Bulgaria. How is it? Sofia, so good.
I went to an Easter party as a Jesus cosplayer
I told them I was a crossplayer.
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