What am I? A tea bag you dirty minded human...
I entered my pig into a pig race but he pulled a ham string.
I met my wife at a travel agency
She was looking for a vacation and I was her last resort.
Why did the daddy peach teach the child peach to shave? He was starting to grow peach fuzz.
Q: Which pretty actress was an ancient Egyptian favorite?
A: Pharaoh Fawcett
What do you call a polyarmourus deceased gorilla?
Harembe.
Some peas rolled off my plate, and one went far further than the rest. He was the cham-pea-on.
What do you get when you cross a pig with a centipede?
Bacon and Legs.
What would happen if pigs could fly? The price of bacon would go skyrocket.
What happened when it started raining coins?
It knocked some sense (cents) into the world.
What's the difference between a Yankee Stadium hot dog and a Fenway Park hot dog? You can buy a Yankee Stadium hot dog in October.
Too bad, if only I’d gnome!
What do you sing to cows on their birthdays?
Happy birthday to moo…
Why can I not make jokes about the recent attacks in France?
Because jokes are all about execution.
Why did the dolphin end its own life?
It was missing a porpoise.
You had to use rennet to curdle the milk for making Ricotta, not lemon juice!
This is not the right whey.
One bonsai tree grower was so successful he moved into a miniature house.
What is the wealthiest nut ever?
“A cashooo.”
What do you do with a sick chemist? You try to helium, and then you try to curium, but if all else fails, you gotta barium.
Cold showers are the best...
...Once you warm up to them
On Father's Day my family went strawberry picking. Later on, we decided to make a jam...
...from the fruits of our labor
Whenever I hear folksy stories about the hills, I can never get over them.
When the ghost went to a fancy restaurant, he decided to wear a boo-tie.
What's brown and sticky? A stick.
Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
At the bottom.
Which athlete wrote the book, Jumping for Exercize?
Lee Ping.
Why did the burglars decide to rob a music store?
For the lute.
What does a tornado wear under his clothes? Thunderwear!
The skeleton would love to see the latest horror flick, but he just doesn't have the guts for it.
What do you call a Spanish pig?
Porque.
How do you spot a car made by Apple?
It does not have Windows.
What did the nuclear physicist have for lunch?
Fission Chips.
Some call them opponents. We call them victims. It sounds like you have the right mindset to succeed on the court!
What is the most favourite drink of a cow? Mountain Moo.
What kind of cookies do vulcans love? Spockolate chips.
Q: What is a tornado’s favorite game?
A: Twister
My dad used to be an airline pilot, but he decided to retire because it got too Boe-ing.
did you hear the one about the sheep in car wreck?
it was baaad.
My dad was complaining he’d lost a sock after doing his laundry
Me: It’s a sacrifice to the dryer gods.
My dad: It’s a sockrifice.
Why didn't the sentence have a period?
Because it was pregnant.
Why can't you tease egg whites?
Because they can't take a yolk.
Why didn’t the teddy bear want any dessert?
He was already stuffed.
From one vegan to another – I think you’re fern-tastic, and I’ll never leaf you baby.
Witch doctors write their prescriptions in curse-ive.
I asked the bartender for the WiFi password but he told me to buy a drink first. So I ordered a Moscow Mule and asked him again. He handed me a card with the password. It said:
"Buy a drink first" ... no spaces, all lowercase."
What do you call a rock that never goes to school?
A skipping stone!
Why do chickens lay eggs?
Because if they dropped them, they’d break.
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