Whats green and smells like bacon? Kermit the Frog's finger! Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?
What do you call an anthropomorphic animal blended in ice cream?
A McFurry
Was Just showing my dad my new living space. He asked “what’s upstairs?”
I Just responded with “dad, stairs don’t talk.”
What do you call a skeleton snake?
A rattler.
Why did the strawberry get bruised? Because it was under pear pressure.
Why do owl babies take after their dad?
Like feather, like son.
What all kinds of stars wear the sunglasses? The movie stars.
What sea creature never tells the truth
A lion fish.
My wife looked at me and said “You think you’re pretty sharp, don’t you?”
I got a handjob of a blind woman the other day. She said "Wow that's the biggest thing I ever had in my hand!"
I said "Come on you're just pulling my leg."
Mistakes happen.
No need to terrier-self up about it.
This Valentine's day, I decided to pay extra and buy flowers that look after themselves.
They are Self Raising.
Two fruit flies are out for dinner.
I'm really enjoy this date...”
“Yeah, but it’s only half rotten.”
Why wasn’t the giraffe invited to the party?
He was a pain in the neck.
What does a twelve-pound mouse say to a cat? 'Here Kitty, kitty, kitty'!
My neighbor tried to charge me $20 to watch the eclipse from his balcony.
I told him that was daylight robbery.
Some peas rolled off my plate, and one went far further than the rest. He was the cham-pea-on.
What do birds like to put in their soup? Crow-tons.
Judging by the sounds, there’s an ogre staying in the hotel room above me.
Hopefully he shreks out tomorrow.
If a police officer pulls a U-Haul truck over...
did he just bust a move?
Did you hear about the guy whose spouse was hit by lightning?
His entire wife flashed before his eyes.
I have been trying to write a new pizza joke…
But I can’t work out the delivery.
My cell phone got drunk.
It took too many screenshots.
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th!
If you cross a bee and a lizard, you'll get a blizzard!
The farmer called his prize cow a bull-dozer because she was always sound asleep in the fields.
What are sophisticated realtors known for?
Constantly telling you all about proper tea.
"I would hop to the end of the world for you."
Ants in your plants.
Why do leaves change color in the fall? Because they want to leaf their old color.
Believe in your elf.
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
The best gift I ever got was a broken drum...
You can't beat it.
Did you hear about the birds of prey on black Friday?
It was a free for owl.
I keep looking at our upstage platform that is designed with only a ladder for access. It's just so hard not to stair.
Why are Ghosts so lonely? They have nobody to lean on.
The soup that she cooks is so thick that the kitchen would go around when she stirs it.
What kind of degree can you get at a urinal?
A Pee h.D.
What do you call an ant with big hair?
Bouff-ant.
why did the spoon show up dressed as a knife ?
Invitation said to look sharp.
There are so many jokes about classical composers I could write you a Liszt.
College-age vampires only ever shop in one place - Forever 21.
Q: What’s red and goes up and down, up and down?
A: A cherry in a lift.
Earlier today someone sent me a bunch of flowers, but all the heads had been cut off.
I think I'm being stalked.
What did the aged cheddar say when his mom told him he couldn’t see a movie that was rated R?
“I’m mature for my age.”
Q: What did the old orange see before it died?
A: The grim ripe-r.
What vehicle does a grammar teacher drive?
A Syllabus.
What do you get when you cross a ghoul with an owl?
Something that scares people and doesn’t give a hoot!
What did the watermelon wife say to his stinky husband? You’ve got a strange smelon you today.
After making love the other night, I told my spouse that I love when the whisper sweet things in my ear...
So my spouse leaned in close and whispered..."Syrup."
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