You’re my soul Santa.
What do horses like to put on their egg salad sandwiches?
MayoNAYS!
How can you tell your dad joke is a dad joke?
It’s fully groan.
I asked what the lion in my wardrobe was doing.
He said it was Narnia business
Who said that the pyramids are the tallest structure in Egypt? They are just between pyra-highs and pyra-lows.
What martial art does Earth know?
Geo-Jitsu.
Why do potatoes make good detectives?
Because they keep their eyes peeled.
Does anyone know where we find the handmade Mother's Day gifts the school sends out each year?
I checked my kids' backpacks like usual but they weren't there.
What do you call an elderly Spanish man?
A senõr citizen.
I left my laptop outside on the picnic table, and when I came back, the keyboard was covered in ants...
...It took a while to herd them together but I finally got them all under control.
Did you hear about how deodorant lead to the capture of a cold war agent?
The scent of old spies gave him away.
I know someone who tried to run away after camouflaging a railway. He tried to cover his tracks.
Fish taco says why don't you want to taco about it And the nacho says cause I'm nacho friend.
In Quebec they used to practise throwing the puck in the zone, and then
sitting back to wait for a turnover. But eventually the players were
criticized for this dump-and-chaise tactic.
How can you tell where the Easter Bunny has been? Eggs mark the spot.
"Some people have no guts."
Have you heard of the garlic diet? You don't lose much weight, but from a distance your friends think you look thinner!
What did the pun mom say to the new pun dad?
We have a pun in the oven!
What do you call it when you order the same donut every day?
A do-rut!
A lot of people can't understand why Daniel Day Lewis's twin brother Daniel Night Lewis didn't make it in the movies.
That's because the difference between them is night and day.
What kind of camel throws a hissy fit when you milk it?
A drama dairy.
When is a birthday cake like a golf ball? When it's been sliced.
Ya know, I was supposed to be a doctor.
But I just didn’t have the patience.
My Haloween costume would have been perfect if my hair agreed with me. Guess I’m just having a bad scare day.
I now pronounce you husband and wifi
You may kiss the bride goodbye.
I wish to wish the wish you wish to wish, but if you wish the wish the witch wishes, I won't wish the wish you wish to wish.
Why didn’t Dr. Frankenstein ever make a second monster?
Because he just didn’t have the guts to do it again.
The knight fell very sick over the weekend. He had a running temperature and was feeling very nauseous. The doctor called it the Saturday Knight Fever.
What did the sink say to the water faucet?
You’re a real drip.
Why did the other volleyball team bow? Because they heard that the queens of the court were there.
What do you do with a green ghoul?
Wait until it ripens!
How does the cell phone call his girlfriend on Valentine's Day? He gives her a ring.
There’s muffin I wouldn’t do for breakfast.
Why did the volcano say to the mountain? I lava you
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
To keep their nuts dry.
What will a space turkey say to another one? Hubble Hubble.
What do cannibals eat for dessert?
Chocolate covered aunts.
Two Pharaohs are looking for a Sarcophagus...
they walk up to the sarcophagus salesman and the first Pharaoh says "We are looking for the cheapest sarcophagus you have for sale." The salesman asks "you're not looking for a fancy one?"
The second Pharaoh says "no, we are just trying to get our mummy's worth."
Turtles communicate with each other through shell phones.
I'm feeling exceptionally alone in this cold weather. It's probably because I'm completely ice-olated.
What did the duck do after he read all these jokes?
He quacked up.
What did the young Toyota say to his mother when she asked what he wanted for dinner?
Taco ma
What did the witch do when her broomstick broke?
She witch-hiked.
Where do the best kola nuts come from? Kolafornia.
What cosmetic does DNA put on?
Genetic makeup.
I had a meal recently that was made with ketchup and mustard.
It was delicious! My condiments to the chef!
Oh laundry, sometimes I feel like our first president...
Because I am washing-a-ton.
I'm training to be an anesthetist, so I asked the head surgeon "Can I practice on my self first?"
He said "Sure, knock yourself out!"
Cooking a Hawaiian pizza and don't want to burn it?
Be sure to cook it at aloha temperature.
How much ground would a groundhog hog, if a groundhog could hog ground? A groundhog would hog all the ground he could hog, if a groundhog could hog ground.
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