My sister asked me to hand her lipstick but i handed her a glue stick instead
She still won’t talk to me
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn't have the guts.
Why was the neuron sent to the principal's office?
It had trouble controlling its impulses.
Why was the skeleton so lonely?
He had no body.
Which cranial nerve would be right at home in a well-known city in Nevada?
The vagus nerve.
Saw my dad outside with a tv antenna on his head
When I asked him why, he said he was trying to get more in tune with nature.
I got hit in the head with a can of soda yesterday. Luckily for me, it was a soft drink.
Two detectives interrogate a 37 year old mute man. The detectives give the man a notepad which he scribbles on for a few seconds, and hands back to them.
"I'll never talk."
My wife bought me a scalp massager for Christmas, but I couldn't figure out what it was.
Turns out it was a real head scratcher.
What’s it called your backpack messes up your spine?
Schooliosis !
My favourite jokes are skeleton puns
Why? I find them humorous.
Why did the skeleton start a fight?
He had a bone to pick.
What is a profession involving spine realignment in Egypt?
A Cairo-practor.
I was terrified by the results of my blood test
But my doctor just said B positive
A pile of books fall onto Sean Connery's head
He exclaims: "I only have my shelf to blame!"
No! You can't force me to shave my forearms!
I have a right to bear arms!
What do you call it when a pillow hits its head?
A concushion.
A friend of mine lost the right side of of his brain in a car accident, but he wouldn’t stop drinking and driving.
No one in their right mind would do that.
I was sailing my boat when a massive hand rose out of the water and then slowly disappeared...
I thought, 'That's the biggest wave I've ever seen!'
I boiled a funny bone once.
It turned into a laughing stock.
What did the police officer say to the hand?
Stop! You are under a wrist!
What is a skeleton’s favorite plant?
A bone-zai tree.
What happens when a neurotransmitter falls in love with a receptor?
You get a binding relationship.
Did you know that a Squid’s esophagus goes through its brain?
Food for thought, isn’t it?
The real reason humans have wrinkly brains?
We've been in the gene pool too long.
I think I'm going to remove my spine.
It's only holding me back.
Why did the skeleton go to church?
Because it didn’t have any organs.
What’s the least honest bone in the body?
The fibula.
Don't you just hate it when it's 212 degrees outside? It really just makes my blood boil.
Why couldn’t the skeleton get out of bed?
He was bone tired.
I was doing brain surgery to a patient the other day
He was rather open-minded if you ask me.
What do you get when you cross a thought with a light bulb?
A bright idea.
I like to reminisce about the surgeon who removed my spine.
Really takes me back.
What did the axon terminal say to the receptor when they broke up?
I need my space.
Where do you learn about bones?
Osteoclasst.
What did the Hollywood film director say to the young neuron that wanted to be an actor?
"Hey kid, you've got potential."
What is a sleeping brain's favorite musical group (rock band)?
REM.
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?" Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
Did you hear about the poker player who lost his arm and got a prosthetic replacement?
He’s finding it hard to deal with.
How do skeleton’s get their mail delivered?
By the bony express.
Why is a baby showing the top of its head during labor a significant event?
Because that’s the baby’s crowning achievement.
How do you greet a skeleton in france?
"Bonejour."
The Queen of the Nile was said to always show a bit of leg...
but Nefertiti.
Dogs can't see your bones.
But catscan.
What do you call it when the axe in your hand falls on your feet.
An AXEIDENT.
Have you heard about the guy who made a bomb out of a brain?
It was pretty mindblowing.
What is a skeletons favorite meal?
Anything with Ribs.
My son asked me why our sailboat is named Blood
I yelled back: "Because it’s a bloody vessel!"
I love my wife with all my butt! I should have to say heart, but my heart is actually smaller than my butt.
What do you call a skeleton's favorite singer?
Pelvis Presley.
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