What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles? No cake for me…I’m stuffed
My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.
It's my way or the Huawei.
For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping.
That was quite a rude awakening.
What type of music is scary for birthday balloons? Pop music!
I handed my dad a calculator for his birthday. with a dissapointed scowl on his face, he asked me: "Wheres the pi?"
Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.
Forget about the past, you can’t change it. Forget about the future, you can’t predict it. Forget about
the present, I didn’t get you one.
For my wife's birthday, I bought her some beads for her abacus
It's the little things that count.
“Dad, why do you always wrap my birthday gifts in this weird fabric?”
Dad: I just wanted to.... make my presents felt.
You did a grape job raisin me. Happy birthday!
I’m a little confused as to why everyone keeps giving me legos for my birthday.
I don’t know what to make of it.
I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.
I’m a little confused as to why everyone keeps giving me legos for my birthday.
I don’t know what to make of it.
I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
What goes up but never comes down? Your age!
How do pickles celebrate their birthdays? They relish them.
More candles means a bigger wish!
Behind every great parent is a great kid. Happy birthday!
“Dad, why do you always wrap my birthday gifts in this weird fabric?”
Dad: I just wanted to.... make my presents felt.
For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.
I don't get why a kid in my son's Pre-K class gave everyone an inflatable sword as a party favor for their birthday.
It's pointless.
My dad got me a clone of myself for my birthday...
He said “Here, it’s faux you!”
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.
My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
You are one candle closer to starting a house fire.
For the record, you’re not old, you’re a classic.
Being related to me is the best birthday gift you could receive.
They say everything gets better with age.
Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.
I handed my dad a calculator for his birthday. with a dissapointed scowl on his face, he asked me: "Wheres the pi?"
This whole birthday thing is getting old, don’t you think?
I don't get why a kid in my son's Pre-K class gave everyone an inflatable sword as a party favor for their birthday.
It's pointless.
For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.
Why do pieces of popcorn always have great birthdays? Because they’re always popping!
You know you’re getting old when…there is nothing left to learn the hard way.
The only gift I got for my birthday was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I’m having a hard time dealing with it.
My wife isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday....
I don't know how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday!
You know you are getting older when the candles don’t fit on the cake.
The only gift I got for my birthday was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I’m having a hard time dealing with it.
It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.
Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.
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