Birthday candles don’t exercise because they burn out too quickly!
I gifted my girlfriend a star for her birthday
I think its perfect, she said she needed some space.
I’m a little confused as to why everyone keeps giving me legos for my birthday.
I don’t know what to make of it.
My dad got me a clone of myself for my birthday...
He said “Here, it’s faux you!”
My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.
It's my way or the Huawei.
My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
Congrats on proving that getting older doesn’t mean getting wiser.
The only thing I got for my wife on her birthday was a big helium balloon.
It didn’t go down very well.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
You’re not 50 years old, you are 20 years old with 30 years of experience!
My dad got me a clone of myself for my birthday...
He said “Here, it’s faux you!”
I hope the only things that blow are candles and balloons. Have a great birthday!
I handed my dad a calculator for his birthday. with a dissapointed scowl on his face, he asked me: "Wheres the pi?"
Be careful, too many birthdays can kill you!
For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.
Does a green candle burn longer than a pink candle? No they both burn shorter.
Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.
The only thing I got for my wife on her birthday was a big helium balloon.
It didn’t go down very well.
You know you are getting older when the candles don’t fit on the cake.
I don't get why a kid in my son's Pre-K class gave everyone an inflatable sword as a party favor for their birthday.
It's pointless.
My wife isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday....
I don't know how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday!
Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.
The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
You did a grape job raisin me. Happy birthday!
Being related to me is the best birthday gift you could receive.
For the record, you’re not old, you’re a classic.
My wife isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday....
I don't know how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday!
Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.
For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping.
That was quite a rude awakening.
What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.
Forget about the past, you can’t change it. Forget about the future, you can’t predict it. Forget about
the present, I didn’t get you one.
Got a universal remote for my Birthday.
Well, this changes everything.
What goes up but never comes down? Your age!
More candles means a bigger wish!
Hey shawty, it’s sherbert day.
What type of music is scary for birthday balloons? Pop music!
The only gift I got for my birthday was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I’m having a hard time dealing with it.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
You are aged to perfection.
Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.
The only gift I got for my birthday was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I’m having a hard time dealing with it.
What did the boy without hands get for his birthday?
Nobody knows, he hasn't got the package open yet.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!
Why do pieces of popcorn always have great birthdays? Because they’re always popping!
You feta have a gouda birthday.
I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.
I gifted my girlfriend a star for her birthday
I think its perfect, she said she needed some space.
Happy birthday to someone old enough to go vintage shopping in their own closet.
It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.
Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.
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