Forget about the past, you can’t change it. Forget about the future, you can’t predict it. Forget about
the present, I didn’t get you one.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!
For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.
I know birthdays get worse as you get older. But look at the bright side — not too many left now.
Birthday candles don’t exercise because they burn out too quickly!
I hope the only things that blow are candles and balloons. Have a great birthday!
What type of music is scary for birthday balloons? Pop music!
You did a grape job raisin me. Happy birthday!
You’re not 50 years old, you are 20 years old with 30 years of experience!
You know you are getting older when the candles don’t fit on the cake.
The only thing I got for my wife on her birthday was a big helium balloon.
It didn’t go down very well.
Be careful, too many birthdays can kill you!
The only gift I got for my birthday was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I’m having a hard time dealing with it.
Hey shawty, it’s sherbert day.
My wife isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday....
I don't know how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday!
You feta have a gouda birthday.
Got a universal remote for my Birthday.
Well, this changes everything.
Wedding cake tastes just like Birthday cake
It just takes more commitment.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
The only thing I got for my wife on her birthday was a big helium balloon.
It didn’t go down very well.
My dad got me a clone of myself for my birthday...
He said “Here, it’s faux you!”
I gifted my girlfriend a star for her birthday
I think its perfect, she said she needed some space.
“Dad, why do you always wrap my birthday gifts in this weird fabric?”
Dad: I just wanted to.... make my presents felt.
Why do pieces of popcorn always have great birthdays? Because they’re always popping!
You are one candle closer to starting a house fire.
Being related to me is the best birthday gift you could receive.
For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.
For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping.
That was quite a rude awakening.
I’m a little confused as to why everyone keeps giving me legos for my birthday.
I don’t know what to make of it.
For the record, you’re not old, you’re a classic.
It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.
Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.
I don't get why a kid in my son's Pre-K class gave everyone an inflatable sword as a party favor for their birthday.
It's pointless.
Does a green candle burn longer than a pink candle? No they both burn shorter.
For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping.
That was quite a rude awakening.
I don't get why a kid in my son's Pre-K class gave everyone an inflatable sword as a party favor for their birthday.
It's pointless.
I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.
This whole birthday thing is getting old, don’t you think?
My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
People keep getting me clocks for my birthday.
Time and time again.
I handed my dad a calculator for his birthday. with a dissapointed scowl on his face, he asked me: "Wheres the pi?"
I gifted my girlfriend a star for her birthday
I think its perfect, she said she needed some space.
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