The only thing I got for my wife on her birthday was a big helium balloon.
It didn’t go down very well.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
For the record, you’re not old, you’re a classic.
You know you are getting older when the candles don’t fit on the cake.
Congrats on proving that getting older doesn’t mean getting wiser.
Be careful, too many birthdays can kill you!
Behind every great parent is a great kid. Happy birthday!
For my wife's birthday, I bought her some beads for her abacus
It's the little things that count.
I don't get why a kid in my son's Pre-K class gave everyone an inflatable sword as a party favor for their birthday.
It's pointless.
I gifted my girlfriend a star for her birthday
I think its perfect, she said she needed some space.
I hope the only things that blow are candles and balloons. Have a great birthday!
Hey shawty, it’s sherbert day.
Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.
You’re not 50 years old, you are 20 years old with 30 years of experience!
Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.
How do pickles celebrate their birthdays? They relish them.
For my wife's birthday, I bought her some beads for her abacus
It's the little things that count.
Birthday candles don’t exercise because they burn out too quickly!
What goes up but never comes down? Your age!
I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.
Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.
My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.
You did a grape job raisin me. Happy birthday!
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
You feta have a gouda birthday.
I don't get why a kid in my son's Pre-K class gave everyone an inflatable sword as a party favor for their birthday.
It's pointless.
What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.
People keep getting me clocks for my birthday.
Time and time again.
For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping.
That was quite a rude awakening.
I handed my dad a calculator for his birthday. with a dissapointed scowl on his face, he asked me: "Wheres the pi?"
For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping.
That was quite a rude awakening.
Forget about the past, you can’t change it. Forget about the future, you can’t predict it. Forget about
the present, I didn’t get you one.
I gifted my girlfriend a star for her birthday
I think its perfect, she said she needed some space.
My wife isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday....
I don't know how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday!
You are aged to perfection.
What type of music is scary for birthday balloons? Pop music!
“Dad, why do you always wrap my birthday gifts in this weird fabric?”
Dad: I just wanted to.... make my presents felt.
The only gift I got for my birthday was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I’m having a hard time dealing with it.
“Dad, why do you always wrap my birthday gifts in this weird fabric?”
Dad: I just wanted to.... make my presents felt.
I know birthdays get worse as you get older. But look at the bright side — not too many left now.
I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.
Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.
My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.
It's my way or the Huawei.
Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.
The only thing I got for my wife on her birthday was a big helium balloon.
It didn’t go down very well.
You know you’re getting old when…there is nothing left to learn the hard way.
My dad got me a clone of myself for my birthday...
He said “Here, it’s faux you!”
Got a universal remote for my Birthday.
Well, this changes everything.
My dad got me a clone of myself for my birthday...
He said “Here, it’s faux you!”
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