A friend of mine was taking a bath when he realised he wasn’t a very good burglar.
If you’re Russian to the bathroom, Finnish when you leave, what are you while you are in?
European.
This flu season, doctors are recommending you wipe your throat down with tissues.
Apparently they're synonymous with clean necks.
I was thinking about hopping in the shower...
But I realized that I might slip and hurt myself.
I’ve been working on my poop art recently...
It’s pretty sh**.
What is the favourite toothpaste of the security guards of a mining company?
Coalgate.
Why can't you hear a psychiatrist when they go to the bathroom?
Because the P is silent.
I used to be addicted to soap.
I’m clean now.
Do perfumes expire?
In essence, they do.
My dentist says I don't brush enough but hey-
We all have our floss.
What did the showerhead say to the conditioner?
"Get outta hair!"
I tried to tell a joke about towels...
But people don’t like my dry humor.
What bug has 100 legs and lives by the outhouse?
Scenta-Peed.
Wife and I returned to find our bathtub overflowing...
I turned to her panicked face, "Oh, dam it"
I lost my daughter’s cosmetics bag...
I wonder how I’ll make up for this mistake.
It wasn’t my idea to get bidet...
But now I kinda like the little squirt.
Did you hear about the new book called "100 Miles to the Next Restroom"?
It's by Will E. Mayket and Betty Wunt.
Two monkeys get in a bath. The first one say’s “ooh ooh aah ooh aah”
The second one say’s “well put some cold water in it then”
A dung beetle spent an entire day rolling a ball of dung up a hill, only to have it fall down to the other side...
Needless to say, he lost his sh*t.
My dad was fixing the basin in the bathroom and accidentally broke some tiles.
My mother said, "I told you that method would be fewtile".
I just dropped my phone in the bath
Now it's syncing.
I used to hate my husband's cologne...
But then it started to rub off on me.
Whats A tooth fairys favorite movie?
Jaws.
Why did the toilet paper role down the hill?
To get to the bottom...
I won a contest extracting the most water from a towel, I'm now known as the....
Lord of the Wrings.
What kind of day ends with no toilet paper?
A bidet.
My family and I like to sleep during the day.
They are my napkin.
After letting elephant dung dry in the sun, it's nearly indestructible.
In fact, I'd say it's pretty heavy doody.
My girlfriend left me while I was crying in the bathroom with constipation. She told me that I was so full of it.
It was the hardest dump I ever took.
My farts don’t smell, they don’t have noses.
Why was the dung beetle mad at the store clerk?
Because the clerk sold him shampoo.
I've stopped paying $6 for sham poo
After all, I make my own DIY genuine poo every morning.
My shampoo bottle was empty. I turned to the only other bottle in the shower and said, "help me body wash...
You're my only soap!"
How does the tooth fairy survive a hurricane? She braces for it.
Why do astronomers put beef in their shampoo?
For meatier showers.
If you take a dump on a stump...
Does that make it a toilet tree?
I was on the way to the gorcer when I remembered, I need to put toothpaste on the grocery list.
My dad said, "Don't do that! It'll be all messy!"
When your poo goes into the sewers, it's not yours anymore.
It becomes pooblic domain.
Have you heard what happened to unemployed perfume makers?
They are not making any scents.
I just broke my wife’s favorite perfume bottle, she’s gonna be fuming!
What do you call a duck that steals soap from the bathtub?
A robber ducky.
Why do you use an old towel to dry your dog?
Because it's a little rough.
Today I learned some people have a phobia of flushing the toilet.
That must be a sh***y phobia to have.
In a recent study, NASA scientists confirmed that Uranus smells like farts.
When does makeup run?
When you mascare it off.
When did the dentist develop tooth pain?
Tooth-hurty!
What condiment needs to go to the restroom the most?
Must-turd.
"Is it the tar that smells like farts?"
"No, it was your asphalt"
What do you call pig shampoo?
Hogwash.
I was alone in the bath.
Imagine my surprise when I felt a tap on my shoulder!
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