A man has to go, but has no toilet paper. His friend says to wipe with a dollar. He comes back all dirty, so his friend asks "What is that horrible smell?". So the man says,
"Hard to wipe with 3 quarters, 2 dimes and a nickel"
I wanted to do the dishes and wasn’t sure where I put the dish soap.
Then it Dawned on me.
The latest thing in flooring are these ductile floor tiles. They’re great because they’re flexible but...
They have a tendency to quack.
They don’t maintain the outhouses at our campground anymore...
They’re real sh** holes.
I managed to fix the toilet all on my own today! I'm so proud of myself. Some would even go as far as to say I'm...
flushed with success.
My sister just bought a set of odorless perfumes.
It doesn’t make any scents.
I always wanted to keep my wisdom teeth but I just went to the dentist and it looks like they're gonna have to be removed...
To be honest this is pretty de-molar-izing.
If your hair is long enough when shampooing...
Does Head & Shoulders then become Knees & Toes?
My friend once used laughing gas as deodorant.
He smelled funny the whole day.
Why are urinals the worst place to spend time?
Because it’s where all the di**s hang out.
I saved the exact location of my toilet on my computer.
It's labelled as my 'I Pee' address.
My wife is furious at me for buying an expensive make-your-own-perfume kit.
But it just made scents to me.
I just installed a brand new Luxe bidet!
I’ve been having a blast.
Did you just hear that perfume bottle talk?
I think it's becoming scentient.
I got 5 packs of deodorant for a nickel.
Deodorant is a scent.
Last night my house was broken into, and all they stole was soap.
Dirty criminals. Cops say they got away clean.
I cant use the urinals when there's a person next to me, I get pee-er pressure
How does a monster flush the toilet?
It doesn't, it scares the living sh** out of it.
I will only give someone a kleenex if I've known them for a long time.
I guess you could say I have trust-tissues.
"Is it the tar that smells like farts?"
"No, it was your asphalt"
My wife asked me to help her apply mascara...
It was an eye-opening experience.
I hate dentists.
Bad oral hygiene can cause so many bad things in your mouth, yet they tell you to brush it off.
Slightly disappointed that the makers of the shampoo, "Head and Shoulders" have not followed up with a bodywash called, "Knees and toes."
A zoo employee was injured when a monkey threw flaming poo at him.
He suffered from turd debris burns.
Why Don't Gymnasts Use Towels?
Cause they dumbbell dry.
What do you call a cop standing on dog poo?
Officer on doody!
Why did the girl put lipstick on her forehead?
She needed to makeup her mind!
What condiment needs to go to the restroom the most?
Must-turd.
My sinks been on deaths door for the past week or so...
I finally decided to pull the plug.
I used to hate my husband's cologne...
But then it started to rub off on me.
How do you work out how many rolls of toilet paper are in 4 packets of 16?
Multiply.
What did the flirty shower head say?
"Every naked person I see turns me on!"
Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject.
Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
I had to wait in line for 20 minutes just to buy some really cheap toilet paper!
It was a pain in the a**
Where does Batman go to take a dump?
To the batroom of course!
I couldn't tell if the dog truly had to poop or if he was just faking it to go outside.
Turns out he was full of s**t.
Two monkeys get in a bath. The first one say’s “ooh ooh aah ooh aah”
The second one say’s “well put some cold water in it then”
Why did the soldier flush the toilet?
Because it was his doody.
Why doesn't the tooth fairy like dental instruments?
She finds them obtooth.
I passed my dentistry tests with an A in my written paper.
In Oral, B.
Only a**holes use bidets.
What did the copy machine say when it spilled it’s skincare?
"Oh no, that was my toner"
What do you call a deodorant that's never happy?
A deodor-rant.
My dentist asked me if I had any questions before he started.
I thought for a minute, then asked, "If oral hygiene is so important, why do you have plaque on your wall?"
I asked my friend for a tube of toothpaste. He gave me the smallest tube I’ve ever seen.
Next time, I’ll ask for teethpaste.
France gave perfumes to countries it dominated in the past...
That was classic Colognialism.
I don't like strong perfumes...
I guess I'm inscentsitive.
What did the duck say when she purchased new lipstick?
"Put it on my bill."
I don't know don't about your faucet, but mine is doing a pour job.
Turns out our washing machine DOES have a “baby poop” setting.
It’s called “Heavy Doody”
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