I tried to turn on a tap. It was a bit stiff though...
So I had to faucet.
Why didn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it got stuck in a crack.
Why do toilet paper rolls have trust issues?
They're always getting ripped off.
So Chanel is making a new perfume made entirely of rain water.
It’s called the Weather Chanel.
I don't understand why Bed Bath & Beyond is considered a non-essential business.
Don't they carry essential oils?
I wonder...
How much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
Toilet paper plays an important roll in my life, it would be pretty sh**ty without it.
Every time I flush the toilet...
Sh** goes down
I was sick and tired of the kids leaving their business in the toilet, so I yelled at them.
They immediately flushed with embarrassment.
Why did the cows have towels? To keep each udder dry.
My dentist asked me if I had any questions before he started.
I thought for a minute, then asked, "If oral hygiene is so important, why do you have plaque on your wall?"
Ever use one of those expensive toothbrushes?
It's breath-taking.
What condiment needs to go to the restroom the most?
Must-turd.
A zoo employee was injured when a monkey threw flaming poo at him.
He suffered from turd debris burns.
I’ve been working on my poop art recently...
It’s pretty sh**.
How did dinosaurs clean their teeth?
With flossils.
Went to the toilet earlier and took a poo...
Not sure whose it was, but it's mine now.
Why do perfumes always hang out in pairs?
Because they don't want to get cologne-ly!
Have you heard about the new his & hers toothpaste?
The flavor is "mint to be".
Why is it a bad idea to give a cat a bath?
It will surely end in a cat-astrophe.
My Buddhist friend just gave me a “Nirvana” scented perfume.
It smells like Teen Spirit.
What bird is blue and is great at taking a bath?
A scrub jay!
I entered an auction on Ebay for a water butt cleaner.
But, I got out-bidet.
Thieves broke into my house and stole everything but my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant...
Dirty Bastards.
Why can’t a tile walk very well?
He has square feet.
Having to wipe with a hemorrhoid is a pain in the a**.
What do you call a tree without teeth?
A gumtree.
What did one soap molecule say to the other soap molecule in prison?
"Get out. This is micelle"
Brace yourselves kids!
Our dentist is shutting down.
A sales guy tried to sell me on a new preparation to wash my hair with, which supposedly contains the excrements of some very special rainforest animal or whatever.
I think it was Scampoo.
Why did the girl put lipstick on her forehead?
She needed to makeup her mind!
I recently opened a building with an exhibition of dermatological skin cases.
It’s a real gallery of the fine warts.
I won a contest extracting the most water from a towel, I'm now known as the....
Lord of the Wrings.
My neighbour didn't like it when I told him off about hoarding toilet paper
To be honest, I think he was being very anal about it.
Why was James Bond kicked out of a toilet?
Because it was not agent's toilet.
In a recent study, NASA scientists confirmed that Uranus smells like farts.
My wife asked me to help her apply mascara...
It was an eye-opening experience.
A man has to go, but has no toilet paper. His friend says to wipe with a dollar. He comes back all dirty, so his friend asks "What is that horrible smell?". So the man says,
"Hard to wipe with 3 quarters, 2 dimes and a nickel"
Toilet jokes aren’t my favorite...
But they’re a solid number 2.
How do people take a dump when, well, nobody gives a s**t?
Which letters stand in line to the public restroom?
What do you call a bathroom line?
A P,Q.
Here’s my best advice for getting a job in the lotion industry:
Apply daily.
If you think the 45 degree ski slope is tough,
Wait until you try the 110 degree hot tub!
The doctor told me to get in a bathtub full of milk to soothe my sunburn, I asked him 'pasteurized?'
He said 'No, just up to your neck'
What is it called when you're singing in the shower and shampoo gets in your mouth?
A soap opera.
Dialysis is a blood bath.
What did the judge say when a skunk walked into the courtroom?
"Odor in the court!"
Scientists have just discovered a fossilized Dinosaur fart...
They say it’s a blast from the past!
My wife is furious at me for buying an expensive make-your-own-perfume kit.
But it just made scents to me.
When does makeup run?
When you mascare it off.
Go to BabaMail
