If you walk along a railroad track you may soon feel run down.
Why are ghosts no good at running a railway? A. Because they can’t even put on a skeleton service!
Got a couple of railway buffers going cheap. It was an end of line sale.
I've always wanted to become a podiatrist, but was made to train as a paediatrician first.
Baby steps.
Why are the railroad tracks angry? Because people are always crossing them.
Never liked the troll who lives under the local railway bridge. He’s my arch enemy.
The school teacher tells you to spit out your gum, while the locomotive says “Choo Choo Choo!”
What kind of a car does a crazy man drive? A LOCOmotive.
What do you call a locomotive with a cold? A choo choo train.
Why did the train have to rush to the bathroom?
It’s been toot toot tootin all day long!
What kind of ears do trains have?
Engineers.
I used to be a railroad conductor, but my boss found out I wasn’t trained.
I just quit my job as a train driver a few weeks ago.
I can't help but feel that my life has gone off the rails since.
I’ve always liked one-liners. That’s why I’m a fan of monorails.
Did you hear about the man who sat next to his clone on the train?
He was beside himself.
A friend got to the final of the local model railway competition. He lost on points.
What did Train say when they visited a sibling in South Korea?
Hey, Seoul Sister!
A fired newspaper editor took an ex-press train out of town.
Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.
I miss the old days of railway when the engineer had plenty of esteem.
Ticket inspectors. You’ve got to hand it to them…
A friend of mine quit his job as a reporter and left town by railway. It was an ex-press train.
I tried to tell my favourite joke about trains, but it got derailed.
What’s the difference between a teacher and a railway security guard? One trains the mind, the other minds the train.
Some local engineers took a train for a service, but the vicar said it was blocking the aisle.
A train track and a motorway walk into a bar. The train track says “a pint for me, please, and one for the road.”
I saw a guy on the train holding a newspaper in front of his face.
He was behind The Times.
Where do crabs and lobsters catch their trains?
King's Crustation.
Why can’t the engineer be electrocuted? Because he’s not a conductor!
A railroad engineer must be sure not to lose his train of thought or he might go down the wrong track.
Got a couple of railway buffers going cheap. It was an end of line sale.
I know someone who tried to run away after camouflaging a railway. He tried to cover his tracks.
What did the monster say when he saw a rush hour train full of passengers? Oh good! A chew chew train!
The US army secretly trains pigeons to help overthrow hostile foreign governments.
It’s a military coo.
What do you call a train loaded with bubble gum? A chew-chew train.
How do locomotives hear? Through the engineers!
How do trains eat?
They chew chew.
Why did the Mexican train robber rob the train?
Because he had a loco-motive.
What did the Mama Steam Engine say to her Baby Steam Engine at supper time? “Choo choo!”
Why don’t elephants like to ride on trains? Because they hate leaving their trunks in the baggage car.
I know someone who tried to runway after camouflaging a railway. He tried to cover his tracks.
Why do you have to wait so long for a train on Halloween? They only run a skeleton service.
I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed. He said, “I’m not sure, it’s hard to keep track.”
I am on the train and a light just came on saying the toilet is engaged.
Congratulations, toilet!
New electric trains will run on conductors.
I’ve always liked one-liners. That’s why I’m a fan of monorails.
My boss said to me, “You are the worst train operator ever. How many trains have you derailed in the past year?”
I said, “I’m not sure. It’s so hard to keep track.”
I don’t want to drive you crazy, but I do have a loco-motive
What is as big as a steam locomotive, but weighs nothing? Its shadow.
First time hunters were arguing over which kind of animal tracks they had found when they were hit by a train.
Those who steal trains must have a loco–motive!
How long does it take for electricity to travel the length of a 10 car train?
It all depends on the conductor.
How do you find a missing train? Follow the tracks