Why are ghosts no good at running a railway? A. Because they can’t even put on a skeleton service!
A friend of mine quit his job as a reporter and left town by railway. It was an ex-press train.
What did the monster say when he saw a rush hour train full of passengers? Oh good! A chew chew train!
Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.
Went to a railway fancy dress party. Everyone was wearing platforms.
Where do crabs and lobsters catch their trains?
King's Crustation.
What do you call a train loaded with bubble gum? A chew-chew train.
How do locomotives hear? Through the engineers!
Some local engineers took a train for a service, but the vicar said it was blocking the aisle.
A train track and a motorway walk into a bar. The train track says “a pint for me, please, and one for the road.”
Got a couple of railway buffers going cheap. It was an end of line sale.
What did Train say when they visited a sibling in South Korea?
Hey, Seoul Sister!
I miss the old days of railway when the engineer had plenty of esteem.
Why can’t the engineer be electrocuted? Because he’s not a conductor!
A friend got to the final of the local model railway competition. He lost on points.
I used to be a railroad conductor, but my boss found out I wasn’t trained.
I am on the train and a light just came on saying the toilet is engaged.
Congratulations, toilet!
I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed. He said, “I’m not sure, it’s hard to keep track.”
I know someone who tried to run away after camouflaging a railway. He tried to cover his tracks.
If you walk along a railroad track you may soon feel run down.
What do you call a locomotive with a cold? A choo choo train.
Ticket inspectors. You’ve got to hand it to them…
A fired newspaper editor took an ex-press train out of town.
What did the Mama Steam Engine say to her Baby Steam Engine at supper time? “Choo choo!”
I just quit my job as a train driver a few weeks ago.
I can't help but feel that my life has gone off the rails since.
What kind of ears do trains have?
Engineers.
I know someone who tried to runway after camouflaging a railway. He tried to cover his tracks.
How do you find a missing train? Follow the tracks
Why did the Mexican train robber rob the train?
Because he had a loco-motive.
Did you hear about the boy who had to do a project on trains? He had to keep track of everything!
I’ve been meaning to make a list of bad railroad puns…but I keep getting side tracked.
Why did the monster eat the caboose? The locomotive told it to choo choo.
Why do you have to wait so long for a train on Halloween? They only run a skeleton service.
I’ve always liked one-liners. That’s why I’m a fan of monorails.
What do you give a train driver for Christmas? Platform shoes!
I don’t want to drive you crazy, but I do have a loco-motive
Why should you never trust a train? They have loco motives.
I've always wanted to become a podiatrist, but was made to train as a paediatrician first.
Baby steps.
First time hunters were arguing over which kind of animal tracks they had found when they were hit by a train.
Those who steal trains must have a loco–motive!
Why didn't the conductor know what to do when he found that his train was missing?
He wasn't trained for this.
The school teacher tells you to spit out your gum, while the locomotive says “Choo Choo Choo!”
I’ve always liked one-liners. That’s why I’m a fan of monorails.
My boss said to me, “You are the worst train operator ever. How many trains have you derailed in the past year?”
I said, “I’m not sure. It’s so hard to keep track.”
I know an elephant who refused to travel by train because he didn’t want to leave his trunk in the baggage car.
What kind of a car does a crazy man drive? A LOCOmotive.
I tried to tell my favourite joke about trains, but it got derailed.
Went to a railway fancy dress party. Everyone was wearing platforms.
I saw a guy on the train holding a newspaper in front of his face.
He was behind The Times.
Why don’t elephants like to ride on trains? Because they hate leaving their trunks in the baggage car.
Why did the train have to rush to the bathroom?
It’s been toot toot tootin all day long!
What do you call a train that sneezes? Achoo-choo train.
How long does it take for electricity to travel the length of a 10 car train?
It all depends on the conductor.